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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Last night, I went to a Buffy-themed burlesque show. I've been going… 
11th-Jun-2015 05:34 pm
Hearth
Last night, I went to a Buffy-themed burlesque show.

I've been going to a lot of burlesque shows! It is awesome fun in a way I'll write about elsetime. And since Aimee moved in a few weeks ago, I've been dressing up for them more and more. (That move, by the way? Totally awesome. Best housemate.) Last night, I wore the big pink ballgown Adam got for me on Freecycle and went as prom!Buffy with Aimee's Faith and Adam's Oz (with the "GOD" nametag - Adam's first dress-up!).

Aimee and I won the costume contest, but this isn't about that, it's about an interaction I had after the show. A woman said to me "I got turned around coming out of the T station and didn't know how to get to the venue, but then I saw you and thought 'Well, I'll just follow Buffy!'" And I loved that, and I've been thinking about why I loved that.

It ties in to how I went full ludicrous with my clothes at times at Wiscon. If you didn't see on Facebook: I got an ankle-length silver sequined coat thing at the clothing swap, and a velvet dress slit up to THERE, and a black faux fur cape, and I combined all of that with the mesh-sleeved shirt and the vinyl/lace/chained/studded bolero I brought with me. I was told that I spent the con moving through stages of David Bowie. :) And I wore that ballgown to an 80s prom at Legoland the day before Wiscon, and did 70s key party realness for a theme party the Saturday after Readercon. I bought a feather collar/cape. I have The Mermaid Dress, which I'll be wearing to a faerie-themed party on Saturday.

I had a date with Ten today, which was absolutely wonderful in so many ways. One of those ways: my schedule has been jam-packed, too much gogogogogo, and I slow down when I'm with Ten. I get grounded. We have the spaces between the notes.

But also, we have great conversations, and we were talking about many things today, an intersection of which was him saying "that's why people are drawn to you - because if the music is good, you're on the floor. You don't need anyone else to get there first to make it okay for you. You make it okay for them."

My not-fully-formed tipsy thought on Facebook last night was "I will be the outlandishly dressed person who lights the path." And: yes. I have not always been that. I have had that shyness, that difficulty stepping out, being first. But now that I know - I have been learning for a while now - how wonderful it feels to step out and beckon to others, to give them permission to be a little silly by being a lot silly... (EDIT: As an example: At Legoland's 80s prom, Ten and I did a spontaneous interpretive dance to "Total Eclipse of the Heart". FULL DRAMA.)

I'm happy with it.

I'm happy.

I've been quiet here because the case against Judah has been grinding me to paste. He and his lawyer have been doing a lot of stuff that's retraumatized me. April, in particular, was a nightmare of situational depression. I had a lot of days when I did not feel capable of living. I had to tell myself "okay, you need to do two things today: you need to walk the dog when he needs walking, and you need to eat three meals. If that's all you can do today, that's okay. But you have to do those things." I knew this was temporary. I knew that it would end. I just had to be patient and not be angry at myself and my brain and body for having this reaction to horrific stress. And many days in April, that really was all I got done in any day. Walking the dog, and eating three meals. But I did it. Every day. And I emerged.

I emerged angry, due to particularly heinous Judah shenanigans. And I emerged into a horrendously busy month, a Red Queen's race, where I had weeks like "Wednesday: Elayna moves into her new apartment. Friday: Aimee moves in." And then, days later, Wiscon, and I have been running.

I have been determined.

I may be quiet about Judah stuff for a little while. This post is your warrant canary. If I am, know that you can ask Adam. Or Aimee. Or anyone, really. If I am, know that it's because it's the best route to achieve my goals. And know that I will eventually tell you everything.

But that is the one thorn in my life right now. I look forward to its removal.

I'm sipping sweet tea with mint today. Aimee made it, using leftover mint from a bunch a lovely friend brought over to our Pig Cotillion on Saturday - our biggest and best party ever. Eight hours of barbecue and the perfect coconut layer cake, mint juleps and Sazeracs, people from all over our social circles having a blast. I won that Buffy costume contest with Aimee, and I won a Sparkle Spelling Bee with Toby last week. (The day before that, I was actually onstage for a dancer-friend's burlesque routine, but that's a different story.) Aimee is fitting perfectly into our household - she and Adam could geek out together about horror movies for hours. I had an amazing date with Ten. I'm going to a party on Saturday night at Matthew's house. Matthew, who said he doesn't tend to date, but who now looks at me in absolute delight and wonder sometimes and says half to himself, "You're my girlfriend!" I am seeing so many of my favorite people; Ten said today that he was excited to meet Mink on Saturday, because he knows she's one of my Important People. And all of my Important People have such affection for each other...

My tiny dog is sprawled next to me, and it's a quiet June afternoon, and my wonderful husband will be home soon.

This is what I've been up to. Running. Fighting. Living. Glittering all over the place. Loving. Being the first person on the dance floor. Reaching out my hand - join me.

Hi.
Comments 
11th-Jun-2015 10:03 pm (UTC)
<3!

Edited at 2015-06-11 10:03 pm (UTC)
11th-Jun-2015 10:43 pm (UTC)
<3 :)
11th-Jun-2015 10:42 pm (UTC)
Just as an aside, sort of... Until earlier this year I'd given up writing, going on for 5 years worth of writers block.

Then I decided to try and start writing again... and honestly, you were one fo the inspirations. I figured, if you could carry on writing despite everything... well, what excuse did I have?

So, I just dived in.
11th-Jun-2015 10:43 pm (UTC)
YAY. Very proud of you. :)
12th-Jun-2015 11:40 am (UTC)
Thank you.
12th-Jun-2015 12:09 am (UTC)
It's lovely to hear from you. I've really missed reading your regular LJ posts. Hope we can run into each other again soon.

And I also hope the Judah situation gets resolved quickly and finally.

Edited at 2015-06-12 12:10 am (UTC)
12th-Jun-2015 06:36 am (UTC)
All of this
12th-Jun-2015 01:43 am (UTC)
Reading about all of those costumes, all I could think was...
I'll be in my bunk.
12th-Jun-2015 02:44 am (UTC)
Hugs if you want 'em.
12th-Jun-2015 07:39 am (UTC)
Great to hear from you again :-)
12th-Jun-2015 03:45 pm (UTC)
Just specifically saying-out-loud:
Achieving your goals is super important, and I want that to happen for you; I am in-solidarity upset/angry that you may have to make more sacrifices, but I trust you will make the right choice for you.

& I will have your back, no matter what happens.

Also, oof, yes, I love your Important People. :D I think most of my Important People have that too (someday, you will get to meet Marc!!!!) I sincerely hope I can live up to expectations on Saturday! Though, transport is currently an issue; I should task Andy with figuring that out. Hmm.
12th-Jun-2015 04:19 pm (UTC)
There's a bus that goes from Davis Square to like 50 feet from their house! Looking forward to seeing you. <3 (And thank you.)
12th-Jun-2015 07:52 pm (UTC)
That bus only comes every 20 minutes! I'm also spending EIGHT HOURS on a bus in the previous 26 hour period, so no, public transit is not an option I can tolerate at that point.
It's also a 45 min transit trip vs. a 20 min drive (depending on traffic). I will not have energy to travel that much further for anything, it does not matter how great it potentially might be.

Either way, it sounds like we'll have our car back for the weekend, since we need it for the all-day Arisia meeting on Sunday, too (which is the *other* reason I may not have spoons for Saturday night).
12th-Jun-2015 08:37 pm (UTC)
Augh, yeah, I forgot about your BUS TRIP OF D00M. (Have fun!)
15th-Jun-2015 10:39 pm (UTC)
You sound happier and more free than I've read in ages.

I'm so glad.
16th-Jun-2015 06:01 pm (UTC)
Aw, I wish I lived closer to you!

Also, pursuant to your experience in April...have you seen this post? http://captainawkward.com/2014/06/29/guest-post/
16th-Jun-2015 09:46 pm (UTC)
That is an excellent post!
29th-Jun-2015 12:46 am (UTC)
I am glad for so much of this! and wishing you the best for the rest. *hugs*
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