Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

A few weeks ago, someone saw me naked for the first time.

My body has changed a lot over the years; I've been down as low as 85 pounds and up to 155 (which, yes, was overweight on me; I am 4'11" and sick of having that argument so don't start). Most of that was due to medical stuff.

But I lost 15 pounds after Judah's abuse, and then 10 after Lynne's abuse, and then I went into physical therapy, and the body I have now is a body I've never had before.

I am thin. Painfully so, I'd fretted during my Florida visit? But it turns out that was bad photography more than anything else. And I've been thin before; see above re: 85 pounds, and I was ~95 from 1995 through my move to Atlanta in 2001 (when I stopped having stress migraines because I suddenly felt safe, thanks Adam!).

But I've never been thin and healthy.

I weigh ~107 now. My stomach is flat. I have abs a bit? A bit more before I broke my foot and had to limit my PT, but still. There is no extra padding on my hips, my thighs. Even when thin I've been able to pinch an inch (oh, toxic childhood memes), but now I can't. All skin over muscle. And, critically, not skin over bone.

I am very slender, but I am strong.

And this is new and difficult to accustom myself to.

I was shy with my new person, the first new person I've had sex with with this new body. I did not feel quite like myself yet. The new body is a bafflement to me. I am learning it.

He was happy to learn it with me. :)

I'm not used to this being me. I'm still going to be very startled from time to time when I see myself in the mirror.

I've been holding off on this post because I didn't know how it ends, but I think it just doesn't end yet. I'm still observing. It's a process.

Hi. My body is healthier than it's been in a very long time.
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