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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
It's been a rough week, and a lot of that roughness is stuff I can't… 
10th-Jan-2014 02:25 pm
It's been a rough week, and a lot of that roughness is stuff I can't talk about here because I'm still sorting through tangles and misinformation. But for the rest of everything...

* I finished the layette that I was speed-knitting on time, and the soon-to-be-parents and godparents love it. Cardigan, hat, and booties, as promised, and I threw in some mitts because I still had yarn left. I haven't finished the blanket - frankly, I just started it, and it's going to be a slog because the pattern, while easy, isn't fun. But this is my last of this batch of Obligation Knitting, and next up I get to do a fun thing for me, a sweater for Nicky, another scarf for michaeldthomas...

* Nicky had his surgeries on Tuesday.

He got neutered and microchipped and had eight back teeth out! Poor little guy. The teeth were messed up and infected from his life on the street. Fortunately, my mom had just sent us a check - my portion of what was left of my grandma's stocks - that covered all but $200 of it. It would have been nice to keep that money. >.< But. Dog had needs. Such is life.

* After I posted grousing about patronage not existing anymore, I got a cash infusion from a benefactor who may or may not want public acknowledgment so I'll err on the side of caution. This helped wipe out a few big things that were set to drown us, and we are very thankful. We would be totally fine right now, um, if we had not gotten a dog. We should level out soon?

* One of the really big things about this week is that I went to the dentist. Which is not a big deal for a lot of people, but it is a HUGE deal for me; dental procedures are the one thing that is absolutely guaranteed to give me a full-on dissociative panic attack. If you were reading me last year, you may recall me soliciting recommendations; that was right before Judah raped and assaulted me, so it understandably got put on the back burner for a while. I got back to it. Just doing the research on this stuff is triggery for me, but I got through it. I found a place that seemed very trauma-aware, made an appointment, got Stefan to drive me so I wouldn't back out (I can talk myself out of scary things at the last minute if I'm going out on my own, but when a friend is on your doorstep and has set aside hours of their time to get you to a thing, backing out is just rude), and went. The dentist and techs were very good and very understanding - I talked a bit about why my PTSD flares so badly when I'm getting dental work (mouth forced open, people doing painful things to me, no escape, lizard brain takes over). He broke down the conscious-sedation process they use, stressing that if at any time I feel I can't continue, they can stop. I honestly almost had tears of gratitude. Also reason for gratitude: things are not as bad with my mouth as I was afraid they'd be. For all my never going in, I only have one incipient cavity, and was given MI paste to help forestall that while we work on getting me in. We've formulated a multi-step plan: deep cleaning and extensive checkup first. Then Invisalign to straighten my teeth out and make then easier to take care of! But before that, I'll need to actually get my teeth shaved down, because the reason I have these overlaps is because my teeth are literally too big for my mouth. I have a tiny jaw, he says, and "chubby teeth". Yup. I remember having to get baby teeth pulled to make room. So, uh, that is a sedated procedure too. Cosmetic stuff comes last, after all the structural stuff, and we'll see if my insurance pays for any of it. Of course, my insurance doesn't cover the sedation that would hopefully keep me from a panic attack. And I need to pay in advance for sedated procedures. Soooo I don't know when that can happen. >.< But I made a first step that is actually really huge for me.

* Wednesday was very much a lost day.

* Thursday Elayna decided to spend the day at her best friend's house, giving me the unexpected gift of solitude, and I was actually able to use it for writing. There'll be another post about how my brain has been re: writing. The short version is that Judah abused it right out of me, and I ended up in serious flail this fall when I was struggling to recover, and pretty much no writing has gotten done in a long time. It's really just very recently started to creep back and be something the idea of which does not want to make me break things. A side effect of its return is that my brain is equally interested in all things at once, so: choice paralysis. I wanted to work on finishing a piece that's almost done (the one you know well, cafenowhere), but I've been thinking a lot on Places You Haunt recently (finally found the key to it), so what my brain wanted yesterday was to work on the story that links "The Angel of Fremont Street" and "Fortune" to Places You Haunt. I thought this group of stories was going to be a triptych, but really "Splinter" fits in there as well, and some flash pieces... and another story fragment is very clearly the inverse of the story I worked on yesterday. So. "Angel" and "Fortune" reflect each other, the story I worked on yesterday and its mate reflect each other, and both pairs reflect each other in a way. I don't know. It'll be what it'll be. Anyway, this is the story about sacred whores and the people you don't see and faith and the last days before everything changes. I did a thousand words on it yesterday, which was enough to make me aware that it'll be one of my longer stories. If only because my protagonist paces things very deliberately. I should have continued today, and may if I have time (Elayna's at her friend's house again), but my brain decided to grab a phrase I'd written down ages ago and make a poem out of it, so that's good too.

Theme song for the story right now:

And for today's poem:

* Elayna returns to college on Sunday. She is equal parts excited and scared; we all loved her being with us for almost a whole month. I may have a sad next week.

Friday Memeage Just Because
Wearing: Teal long-sleeved shirt with Interesting Neckline, jeans, rainbow stripey socks, Wyrding Studios necklace.
Reading: Neptune's Brood by Charles Stross
Writing: See above.
Knitting: Baby blanket but in off-white and grey because the mom hates color.
Planning: Whatever Elayna wants to do tomorrow; returning Elayna to college on Sunday.

10th-Jan-2014 07:37 pm (UTC)
10th-Jan-2014 08:02 pm (UTC)
I've missed reading your regular long posts here; LiveJournal is less interesting without you. Be well, and I'll see you at Arisia.
10th-Jan-2014 08:40 pm (UTC)

Glad you're starting to feel better.

Committed to a number of projects for the new year, including a minimum of a poem a month. Posted this month's . . . hm. Last week?

Wearing: Jeans, T-shirt, sweater. All black, of course.
Reading: Dodger by Pratchett
Writing: need to find some notes before I start anything.
Knitting: not knitting
Planning: pay some bills, eat.
10th-Jan-2014 11:12 pm (UTC)
Wearing: I worked from home today, so I'm wearing sweatpants and a blue shirt with a paisley/flowery print and some sparkly things.
Reading: People of the Wolf by Kathleen O'Neal Gear
Writing: I had a poem that started to form in the background, but then Jack walked in and put loud political crap on the TV and away it went :(
Planning: Tonight, quiet dinner and movie in. Tomorrow, moving the rest of my stuff from the old house to the new apartment, and then celebrating my friend Teach's birthday at our favorite bar. Sunday, probably recovering from said moving and celebrating, and unpacking.
10th-Jan-2014 11:34 pm (UTC)
As ron_newman said, I'm glad to see a return of your long-form blogging.

1] Quote: ...a lot of that roughness is stuff I can't talk about here...

I will wait patiently but I will continue to worry about you.

2] Your dentist-trauma is similar to my eye-doctor trauma, for similar-ish PTSD reasons. My sympathies, and good on ya for getting to the office. Small steps.

3] Give yourself time and room to be sad and missing Elayna.

4] Wearing: Heather-tweed brown sweater over olive-green jumper and olive green leggings.
Reading: THREE PRINCES by Ramona Wheeler [alternate history]
Writing: Not enough.
Knitting: Not enough.
Planning: Account reconciliation, bookstore inventory, publisher returns, website development. Believe it or not, those are relaxing activities for me if I can do them uninterrupted, because I can listen to music while doing those, and my brain is starved for music.
11th-Jan-2014 03:45 am (UTC)
1578 gold stars for dentist! I went back after 13 years of avoiding, and had to do many small appointments over time for similar reasons - eventually the dread faded and I was able to focus on "I'm doing a good thing for myself!" good feelings instead of anxiety.

Yay for you!

11th-Jan-2014 06:13 am (UTC)
"...tangles and misinformation..."

This can be difficult. Especially after the annus horribilis that was 2013. But you did something very brave in going to the dentist. And hopefully the situation will start to become clearer. Even if you can't post about it clarity is good.
11th-Jan-2014 07:27 pm (UTC)
*hugs* for you.

And me? I'm treading water. At some point I'll feel like writing about it.
13th-Jan-2014 10:05 pm (UTC) - I will say
that after 2013 when you post "...but I can't talk about it" in regards to difficult or unpleasant things my eyebrows go up.

But you're an adult and we're not that close. Just thought I'd flash my BACKUP button briefly.
13th-Jan-2014 10:07 pm (UTC) - Re: I will say
That's a valid point; thank you for asking. It's not an abuse situation, sexual or otherwise, just complicated interpersonal stuff.
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