When we last spoke of money, I was bemoaning the fact that Judah's departure meant that we now had to spend an extra $600 for rent. Our landlord has been very accommodating; he lets us pay that share on our midmonth paycheck, which has more wiggle room in it. Me liking a warm house paid off over the summer, when our electric and gas bills were at the bare minimum.
But also we've had to pay Elayna's tuition. And textbooks are expensive. And winter gas bills are here again.
And Max died. Which was not as exorbitantly expensive as when Jack died. But.
Max dying, those increased bills, and the payment plan for Elayna's tuition have become a perfect storm of we're-fucked. Stuff that WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED had Judah not been an abuser, had he not sweet-talked me into moving into a house beyond our means (I'm not convinced that he didn't antagonize our terrible former landlord on purpose), had he not rendered me incapable of renting that room out because I still do need sleeping pills and I cannot trust a random renter not to do what he did.
I haven't been able to find a job that I can do from home, and my health is insufficient to allow me to commit to something outside the home. Copyediting is irregular and does not pay well.
Usually what I'd do at this sort of point is Wind Tunnel Dreams - a series of reader-prompted short fiction and poetry with a Paypal donation button. I can't really do that right now because I'm going to be travelling very soon, so I can't do a full week or two. And I haven't been writing much since Judah systematically emotionally-abused that out of me - I have some poems, is all. So I can't sell people anything that I have in stock, as it were.
I need something sustainable. But I at least need something now, and I haven't anything to offer.
So basically I wish being a Patron of the Arts was still a thing, that a patron would say "here is a grant, stop running around trying to scrape up pennies - sit down and clear your mind and write."
And also I would like a pony.
ETA: We have a very livable plan that should split our rent in half at some point next year, which honestly will Fix Everything financially, but we don't know the exact timing due to Forces Out of Our Control. There is a plan!
"We write to discover what we believe." ~~Jonathan Carroll
"...part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time." ~~"Case of You", Joni Mitchell
"There is a crack in everything; that's how the light gets in." ~~"Anthem", Leonard Cohen
"If you wanna be immortal, you gotta have something to trade in." ~~"Anything", Foetus
"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy." ~~George Bernard Shaw
"The real secret of magic is that the world is made of words, and that if you know the words that the world is made of you can make of it whatever you wish." ~~Terence McKenna
"When we die, we will turn into songs, and we will hear each other and remember each other." ~~Rob Sheffield
"I have a sickness in the brain. I'm allowed to make no sense to you puny mortals with your fully operational head-meat." ~~Spider Jerusalem
"Sometimes you crash. Sometimes, the fall kills you. And sometimes... sometimes, you fly." ~~Neil Gaiman
"Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself." ~~Lois McMaster Bujold
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." ~~Albert Camus
"Being able to speak the unspeakable is very powerful. If we can hear another person express where they get stuck, or lost, or repeat a negative pattern, it builds a bridge." ~~SARK
"Myths and legends die hard in America." ~~Hunter S. Thompson
"Don't undertake a project unless it is manifestly important and nearly impossible." ~~Edwin Land
"Having faced the fire of your initiation and survived its heat, you can now serve others in a whole new way. By being a living testimony to life transformed, you carry in your cells a sacred knowledge, and in your mind and heart a sacred fire. It's not the fire of youth but the fire of Prometheus, who emerged with the light that would light the world. It's a light that you only could have gotten from having faced some version of your personal hell, and now you are inoculated to the fires which rage around us. Sometimes it is fire that puts out fire, and such is the fire that now burns in you. This is not the fire of your destruction but of your victory. It is the fire of the middle years." ~~Marianne Williamson
"Considering how common illness is, how tremendous the spiritual change it brings, how astonishing, when the lights of health go down, the undiscovered countries that are then disclosed…what ancient and obdurate oaks are uprooted in us by the act of sickness…it becomes strange indeed that illness has not taken its place with love and battle and jealously among the prime themes of literature." ~~Virginia Woolf
"The Universe puts us in places were we can learn. They are never easy places, but they are right. Wherever we are is the right place, at the right time. The pain that sometimes comes is part of the process of constantly being born."
"I will tell you a great secret, Captain, perhaps the greatest secret of all time: The molecules of your body are the same molecules that make up this station, and the nebula outside - that burn inside the stars themselves. We are star-stuff. We are the Universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out. And, as we have both learned, sometimes the Universe requires a change of perspective." ~~Delenn, Babylon 5
"Light Leak", by SJ Tucker
Swirling stars into my skin With a leaky stolen pen Stories end, pull kenning in Let the light leak in I finally let the light leak in
I am kenning all I can She and I, me and my mind, Writing hard for the one true thing That lets you let me in Beguiling what must to gain the trust of the minutemen I am worth investing in and I never stop spinning.
Kenning yarns out of my skin With a leaky borrowed pen Swirling stars and stories in Will you let the light leak in?