Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

This is where I should pause and say a thing! Michael and Lynne are both more private people than I am, with Lynne being the most private of us. She does not want details of her love life all over LJ and I love her and am not going to be an asshole. :) Therefore, certain parts of our story are just not going to appear here, but you should just assume that everything is wonderful.

So it's April and May, I am dating Michael, Lynne and I are intensifying our chats and accelerating our getting-to-know-each-other process. Adam is amused. Judah is not jealous, but envious, he says; he'd like a Michael, someone who's not just a playmate but an emotionally supportive, a very close friend, a partner. He then reverses position and says that he only wants fuckbuddies. Then that he doesn't want PIV with anyone else, he just wants to make out with people. Et cetera. Given how intense things are with Michael and Lynne, I spend a *lot* of this time devoting myself to Judah - making sure his needs are met, that he's happy, that he knows I love him and I'm devoted to him and Adam, et cetera.

So when a then-friend confessed her crush on him, I thought great! He has a crush on her too! They should totally date and see how this goes! With the one rule being current STI tests before anything below the waist.

Which they immediately and blatantly disregarded. And lied to me about. He admitted it the next day; when she realized that the secret was out, she went very passive-aggressive. It was pretty freaking awful. And this was the week before Wiscon - the week before I'd be seeing Michael and Lynne again. My tests were in, and I was negative for everything. The girl Judah cheated on me with (unprotected)? Hadn't been tested in five years, and had a two-and-a-half-year-old child, so I kinda knew she'd had unprotected sex somewhere in there. So I could not have sex with Judah. Not that I wanted to at that point anyway. And that made him very unhappy and escalated his manipulative ramping-up-to-DV behaviors.

I had to choose between intimacy with people who had been nothing but loving and supportive and intimacy with someone who'd been treating me like shit and cheating on me. So. Y'know. What would you do?

Yes, this is hard to talk about.

That week was hell. I knew Judah. I knew that he would be petulant about getting caught, just like last time. I knew that every time I was out of town, he either cheated outright or tried to cheat. I knew that he was still hell-bent on pursuing something with the person he'd cheated on me with - and I had to console *him* when she allegedly dropped him because me asking for current STI results was "too much drama". (It later became clear that that was faked; they continued to screw the week I was in Chicago and at Wiscon.) I did my best to stabilize the relationship, and I went to Wiscon. (I almost didn't go.)

And Michael picked me up at the airport. And kissed me for the first time. <3 And took me home - it is very hard to do an hourlong drive without staring longingly into each other's eyes, at the very least! - and Lynne had made us pancakes, and their cat Marie liked me, and there was some port, and by the end of the night, Lynne and I had decided that yes, we were totally dating too.

That was a week of highs and lows, man. Every minute with Michael and Lynne was wonderful - but then Judah would text that he was going to a thing I'd been asking him to take me to for years, and my mood would crash. And I got back to okay, and then he told me he'd cheated on me with another woman there that he'd only just met. He laid these carefully-timed bombs all over my Wiscon weekend. It was not a coincidence that he called me during the Genderfloomp dance, which he knew was the thing we were all looking forward to the most, to bully me into giving him permission to screw around with someone. (I later found out he'd been cheating on me all night already, including with that first girl, the one who turned out to have high-risk HPV.)

It is a testament to how solid I already was with Michael and Lynne that that didn't wreck us completely.

And then I went back home. And you already know about the rape and the assault and battery; I'm not going to recount them.

Michael was the person I reached out to that Thursday night. And I honestly don't remember how I told him about the assault and battery Friday, but I know he coordinated with emilytheslayer, who picked me up at the courthouse and sat with me that day. And he flew into town the very next day to be with me. We went to mangosteen and lifecollage's party together, we went to the museum; he helped me feel safe in my body again. He helped me connect the dots.

He was always there, even when he was physically so far away. I have been saying over and over that I would not be as okay as I am without him and Lynne.

So that's as much as Judah gets of our story. No more.

So the next part goes in its own entry.
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