This is just to say that I'm not okay right now. But also that I am working on it, and that things will get better.
Anyone versed in trauma is already nodding along, because honestly, this is right on schedule. Dayenu
, it would have been enough just to have a year when I lost a family member and two cats and all the other hideous stuff I went through, and also to have my only child go to college. Add in the escalating domestic violence and rape and a bunch of other Big Life Stuff...
Basically, June was me getting through the immediate aftermath. July was me squaring it away and having that much-needed break in Chicago, which helped so tremendously you don't even know. August was devoted entirely to Elayna, to getting her ready for college.
I have no structure, no one to hold things together for, no direction, just a MASSIVE load of trauma I have been shoving off to the side.
So September has been me falling apart.
...I am having a very hard time with all of this.
Right now I am at Zero Cope. I am at a point where my priorities aren't "do fun new project", they're "eat a meal" and "get out of pajamas and into actual clothes if possible, but if you can't, that's okay." Lots of baby steps. Lots of Calming Manatee
. I have almost no emotional energy, so every bit of energy that I do have has to go into self-care. Which can be reading a book, or doing easy knitting, or taking a walk, or whatever. I am at the very basics right now.
As for how you can help, I don't think there's a way right now. I think what I need is this space to collapse in, and then the space to figure out what I need and what happens next. If I think of a way people can help, I promise I'll say so.