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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Working on it. 
11th-Sep-2013 02:03 pm
This is just to say that I'm not okay right now. But also that I am working on it, and that things will get better.

Anyone versed in trauma is already nodding along, because honestly, this is right on schedule. Dayenu, it would have been enough just to have a year when I lost a family member and two cats and all the other hideous stuff I went through, and also to have my only child go to college. Add in the escalating domestic violence and rape and a bunch of other Big Life Stuff...

Basically, June was me getting through the immediate aftermath. July was me squaring it away and having that much-needed break in Chicago, which helped so tremendously you don't even know. August was devoted entirely to Elayna, to getting her ready for college.

And September...

I have no structure, no one to hold things together for, no direction, just a MASSIVE load of trauma I have been shoving off to the side.

So September has been me falling apart.

...I am having a very hard time with all of this.

Right now I am at Zero Cope. I am at a point where my priorities aren't "do fun new project", they're "eat a meal" and "get out of pajamas and into actual clothes if possible, but if you can't, that's okay." Lots of baby steps. Lots of Calming Manatee. I have almost no emotional energy, so every bit of energy that I do have has to go into self-care. Which can be reading a book, or doing easy knitting, or taking a walk, or whatever. I am at the very basics right now.

As for how you can help, I don't think there's a way right now. I think what I need is this space to collapse in, and then the space to figure out what I need and what happens next. If I think of a way people can help, I promise I'll say so.
11th-Sep-2013 06:09 pm (UTC)
When (if) you do think of something, we'll be here.

Until then, we'll still be here, listening and thinking of you.
11th-Sep-2013 06:18 pm (UTC)
*Jedi hugs and soothing thoughts*
11th-Sep-2013 06:27 pm (UTC)
Yeah. It's been a shit 6 months. It may be hard to let yourself just be in self-care mode, but... Well, I'm glad you recognize the need for it.
11th-Sep-2013 06:29 pm (UTC) - Calming manatees are awesome
May your month get easier.
11th-Sep-2013 06:32 pm (UTC)
Sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to do now.
11th-Sep-2013 06:34 pm (UTC)
When the time comes, summon. We will arrive.
11th-Sep-2013 06:50 pm (UTC)
* Hug *

You are a strong person and are coping amazingly well with what life has been throwing at you lately.
11th-Sep-2013 07:36 pm (UTC)
11th-Sep-2013 08:26 pm (UTC)
I am glad you are here, even if things are hard.
I just wanted you to know that.
(also, yes, will get on spinning and yarn. :))

11th-Sep-2013 08:36 pm (UTC)
*Zen hugs*
[i.e the hug you'd have if you wanted it and I was there]

Small steps are still steps.
11th-Sep-2013 10:10 pm (UTC)
The thing about self-care is that other people can't do it for you, even when they want to.

Be healing.
11th-Sep-2013 10:10 pm (UTC)
Thanks for letting us know.

Also, dude. Calming Manatee. That is awesome.
11th-Sep-2013 11:38 pm (UTC)
I was at Zero Cope for a while last year. I'm glad that I have words for it now. I'm glad you know what it is and what you need. I'm glad that you're not upset at yourself for needing time. I hope that each day gets better.
11th-Sep-2013 11:49 pm (UTC)
Here and listening.
12th-Sep-2013 12:06 am (UTC)
Do whatever you need to do, and don't worry at all about the rest of us--if you need us to do something in particular, just let us know and we'll be there. *hug*
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