Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

Working on it.

This is just to say that I'm not okay right now. But also that I am working on it, and that things will get better.

Anyone versed in trauma is already nodding along, because honestly, this is right on schedule. Dayenu, it would have been enough just to have a year when I lost a family member and two cats and all the other hideous stuff I went through, and also to have my only child go to college. Add in the escalating domestic violence and rape and a bunch of other Big Life Stuff...

Basically, June was me getting through the immediate aftermath. July was me squaring it away and having that much-needed break in Chicago, which helped so tremendously you don't even know. August was devoted entirely to Elayna, to getting her ready for college.

And September...

I have no structure, no one to hold things together for, no direction, just a MASSIVE load of trauma I have been shoving off to the side.

So September has been me falling apart.

...I am having a very hard time with all of this.

Right now I am at Zero Cope. I am at a point where my priorities aren't "do fun new project", they're "eat a meal" and "get out of pajamas and into actual clothes if possible, but if you can't, that's okay." Lots of baby steps. Lots of Calming Manatee. I have almost no emotional energy, so every bit of energy that I do have has to go into self-care. Which can be reading a book, or doing easy knitting, or taking a walk, or whatever. I am at the very basics right now.

As for how you can help, I don't think there's a way right now. I think what I need is this space to collapse in, and then the space to figure out what I need and what happens next. If I think of a way people can help, I promise I'll say so.
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