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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
The other thing that happened last/this year is that I fell in love.… 
2nd-Jul-2013 03:45 pm
Hearth
The other thing that happened last/this year is that I fell in love.

Let's rewind.

Wiscon 2012. The Sign-Out. This is the final event of a five-day con, a ballroom lined with tables at which writers sign their wares. I was punchy, in that place beyond exhaustion where hilarity lives; skogkatt had brought pretty gel pens, but had no books to sign, so I said "Sign me!" And she did, and britmandelo was sitting next to her and she did too. And then I just went around the room brandishing pens at anyone who looked like they might not be appalled at the idea. It was fun! People had fun. I was an engine of ridiculousness. And covered in signatures - back, belly, neck, arms.

And I turned from a table and michaeldthomas was there.

And he paused.

I had not been planning to ask him; I'd met him only in passing the previous night, didn't know if he'd be weirded out by this strange person wanting him to sign her body.

But he paused.

What you should know about me is that I do obsessive pattern-matching. I like to figure shit out. I like to figure people out. I map things. (Yes, I missed a big thing, but that's not what this post is about - the point is that I'm normally fairly impeccable.)

It wasn't a long pause. Was it even a full second? But it told me that one of two things must be true:

1. He did not want to touch me and was trying to figure out if he could get out of it gracefully.
2. He very, very much wanted to touch me and had not yet decided if he was going to allow himself to.

He unfroze and grabbed my wrist a little too quickly and signed me, and there were polite niceties, and we moved on.

But hmm, I thought. Hm. That's interesting.

By the time I got back to Boston, he'd followed me on Twitter and friended me on LJ. I reciprocated and friended him on Facebook. And for a few months, we just got friendly with each other there.

But I liked him. And there were sixteen bajillion reasons why I could never be with him, but I just liked talking to him so much. So naturally when I was reading something about which I had unprintable opinions, I ranted to him in e-mail. And when he was off Twitter for Worldcon, I missed him terribly and told him so via Gchat.

He snuck into being part of my everyday life. Neither of us planned it. It just happened.

And when shit went haywire in September, suddenly I was talking to him about it like he'd been my sounding board for half my life. He was there for me when my grandma died. He was there through everything. Bastian to my Atreyu.

But we could never be together. For those sixteen bajillion reasons. So even when we started texting each other and chatting every day, we never brought it up. That's not what this is because that can't be what this is. We are just incredibly close friends.



....yeah, everyone knew. *wry smile*

We were experts in negative space, in never saying that, never asking this question, because to acknowledge it meant that we had to deal with it. (This is also why I didn't have the case of mentionitis about him here that I did offline.) And. We could never be together.

But one night in April I went out for drinks with a guy Judah was trying to get me to schtup as part of his access into his new group.

And I couldn't stop thinking of Michael.

I walked home from Harvard Square composing wild incoherent declarations of FEELINGS in my head. No matter what I kept telling myself, no matter what restrictions I was trying to put on myself, my heart was wild and wide open and I couldn't - to be silent now was to lie. I was faced with my heart. I could not be silent.

And the next morning I took a deep breath and, on Gchat, I told him everything.

to be continued.
Comments 
2nd-Jul-2013 08:04 pm (UTC)
I paused because I looked into your eyes and saw a poem in human form.

I love you so much.

Edited at 2013-07-02 08:05 pm (UTC)
2nd-Jul-2013 08:05 pm (UTC)
But you did want to touch me. <3

And I, you.
2nd-Jul-2013 08:24 pm (UTC)
Yes. <3
2nd-Jul-2013 08:41 pm (UTC)
<3 Love you both.
2nd-Jul-2013 08:42 pm (UTC)
<3 <3 <3
2nd-Jul-2013 09:03 pm (UTC)
Awe, yay! ♥
2nd-Jul-2013 09:06 pm (UTC)
<3 all around. Because hooray for communicative, mutually consenting adults.
3rd-Jul-2013 04:37 am (UTC)
Despite my vast and world-crushing cynicism, I do like love stories. :)
3rd-Jul-2013 09:12 am (UTC)
Aargh! The suspense! Not a cliffhanger! Aargh!
3rd-Jul-2013 12:55 pm (UTC)
I had a cliffhanger too! I exploded a FEELSVOLCANO and he did not reply and I said THIS IS WHERE YOU SAY WORDS.
3rd-Jul-2013 03:05 pm (UTC)
For less than 2 minutes! I thought your were about to type more! :-)

<3
4th-Jul-2013 08:17 am (UTC)
Not words! They are like Kryptonite for men!
4th-Jul-2013 01:52 pm (UTC)
*laughs* That couldn't be more inaccurate for our relationship. :-)

5th-Jul-2013 09:26 am (UTC)
It is rather hard to imagine 'song getting into a relationship with anyone like that.
7th-Jul-2013 08:08 pm (UTC)
Yeah seriously! I want more of this story!
3rd-Jul-2013 12:50 pm (UTC)
no chance, no way. I won&apos;t say it, no no you swoon, you sigh
why deny it? whoa-oa
it&apos;s too cliche I won&apos;t say I&apos;m in loooooove

LOOK I FOUND YOU A GIFSET. <3333333
3rd-Jul-2013 12:54 pm (UTC)
<3 <3 <3

(Hug them this weekend for me!)
3rd-Jul-2013 01:44 pm (UTC)
Are they going to be there? NEAT! I'll be around. :)
3rd-Jul-2013 03:07 pm (UTC)
We are! I am launching my book again, and L is a former GoH with lots of panels.

We hope to meet you at some point. :-)

Edited at 2013-07-03 03:08 pm (UTC)
3rd-Jul-2013 03:29 pm (UTC)
I'll probably be on elevator duty for part of con, and on the Bridge for the other part. If you ask around for Mikey's Kat, someone will probably be able to point you in the right direction. Or, failing that, ask around for Mikey, then ask him where I am. No guarantees that he'll actually know, but chances are higher!
3rd-Jul-2013 03:41 pm (UTC)
Awesome. I will try to bump into you at some point. :-)
3rd-Jul-2013 10:27 pm (UTC)
I read this with much appreciation and I'm looking forward to the sequel :]
4th-Jul-2013 12:45 am (UTC)
So awesome! <3
6th-Jul-2013 01:27 pm (UTC)
I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the rest of the story! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to push a wheelchair while sitting on the edge?????
19th-Jul-2013 05:21 am (UTC)
I too am eagerly awaiting the next installment.
6th-Jul-2013 09:37 pm (UTC)
Aww, this is so great! :).
11th-Jul-2013 12:17 am (UTC)
Shadesong, this is beautiful. Both in the feelings and in the writing.
24th-Jul-2013 08:19 pm (UTC)
Somehow I missed this post when it went up. I love hearing people's stories of how they got together. I hope you find the time and space to continue it.
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