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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
I'm getting used to my hair, I've been saying. It recently did the… 
28th-Jun-2013 09:25 am
Hearth
I'm getting used to my hair, I've been saying.

It recently did the thing curly hair does sometimes - where it was more tightly curled, then it passed some threshold of weight and it tumbled down, adding another, what, three inches? more? overnight. I don't know how recently. I've had a lot going on. Just one day my hair was constantly brushing my elbows and startling me. Some of my hair is waist-length now. I wore my green corset Wednesday night for the first time in years and kept startling at the brush of hair in the narrow laced gap, down at the small of my back.

I wore my green corset Wednesday night for the first time in years.

I have two corsets. The red is my favorite, actually; it's a Mayfaire Moon, dark red with pewter- and copper-colored ribbons, and it hugs my hips like a dream. The green is a standard Brute Force corset; it's okay. It's smaller. I got it at Arisia '06, when I was much smaller than I've been.

I shrank out of my pretty red corset, the one that's been fitting me for years.

It was the stress nausea, you see. I had days during his escalation all May where I had little appetite. The week I came home from Wiscon, the week he subjected me to hours-long gaslighting sessions and raped and beat me, I couldn't eat at all.

Nor could I eat for the next two weeks.

My belly went first. I still have a little belly, but it's more lack of muscle tone than anything else. It was noticeable right away. I would lie in bed at night and be puzzled at its almost-flatness, at the hipbones that had lost their padding, at the new sleekness of my outer thighs. "I'd like to lose a bit there," I'd said earlier in the year. "Just to be more streamlined."

Not like this, though.

The stress nausea was constant and debilitating. I spent one night on chat with Michael struggling to eat just five forkfuls of food. My body fought me the whole way. I could only do five. Long gaps between. Gagging.

I have had to watch myself carefully. I have had disordered eating in the past. And with my current loss of control in other parts of my life, it's a danger.

I've lost two inches around my ribcage, I know that. Needed new bras because my cups were not filling up the way they used to! 32F to 30E.

I don't know how many pounds I've lost because I don't have a working scale. But I am reshaped. I am smaller. I stand with a hand on the belly that's now barely there. I am learning and relearning.

I am eating three meals a day again now. I can't eat as much as I used to, but the times I can't eat at all are getting rarer.

I'm getting used to my body, I've been saying.
Comments 
28th-Jun-2013 09:11 pm (UTC)
It's so hard to gage healthy eating (and other things) under that kind of stress. Keep on keeping on, you're doing such good work.
28th-Jun-2013 11:32 pm (UTC)
I'm having some of the same bodily readjustment to eating regularly, and the diminished amounts I can manage.

I had no external stressors like yours. Just internal wonkiness with my brain chemistry, but it was some damn heavy-duty wonkiness. (Think of it as a bout of pneumonia, I've been telling myself. Think of it as a slow recovery from a kidney infection, as if illness didn't count except below the neck.)

But yeah. It's odd getting used to an altered body, which has not altered through any intention of one's own. Entirely aside from the awfulness that set off the changes.

I hope eating becomes easier for you and that your body will be a comfortable place to live in.
29th-Jun-2013 06:09 am (UTC)
*very gentle woolfhug*
I still have a bit of my old foodgod magic. If you ever have need of it simply let me know.
I hope the learning process is an easy one, and that your body will return to something healthily normative for you.
2nd-Jul-2013 03:11 am (UTC)
*hug* Stress anorexia sucks. Had that once for about 6-8 weeks. Lost about 20 lbs that way. Don't ever want to do it like that again.
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