I'm getting used to my hair
, I've been saying.
It recently did the thing curly hair does sometimes - where it was more tightly curled, then it passed some threshold of weight and it tumbled down, adding another, what, three inches? more? overnight. I don't know how recently. I've had a lot going on. Just one day my hair was constantly brushing my elbows and startling me. Some of my hair is waist-length now. I wore my green corset Wednesday night for the first time in years and kept startling at the brush of hair in the narrow laced gap, down at the small of my back.
I wore my green corset Wednesday night for the first time in years.
I have two corsets. The red is my favorite, actually; it's a Mayfaire Moon
, dark red with pewter- and copper-colored ribbons, and it hugs my hips like a dream. The green is a standard Brute Force corset; it's okay. It's smaller. I got it at Arisia '06, when I was much smaller than I've been.
I shrank out of my pretty red corset, the one that's been fitting me for years.
It was the stress nausea, you see. I had days during his escalation all May where I had little appetite. The week I came home from Wiscon, the week he subjected me to hours-long gaslighting sessions and raped and beat me, I couldn't eat at all.
Nor could I eat for the next two weeks.
My belly went first. I still have a little belly, but it's more lack of muscle tone than anything else. It was noticeable right away. I would lie in bed at night and be puzzled at its almost-flatness, at the hipbones that had lost their padding, at the new sleekness of my outer thighs. "I'd like to lose a bit there," I'd said earlier in the year. "Just to be more streamlined."
Not like this, though.
The stress nausea was constant and debilitating. I spent one night on chat with Michael struggling to eat just five forkfuls of food. My body fought me the whole way. I could only do five. Long gaps between. Gagging.
I have had to watch myself carefully. I have had disordered eating in the past. And with my current loss of control in other parts of my life, it's a danger.
I've lost two inches around my ribcage, I know that. Needed new bras because my cups were not filling up the way they used to! 32F to 30E.
I don't know how many pounds I've lost because I don't have a working scale. But I am reshaped. I am smaller. I stand with a hand on the belly that's now barely there. I am learning and relearning.
I am eating three meals a day again now. I can't eat as much as I used to, but the times I can't eat at all are getting rarer.I'm getting used to my body
, I've been saying.