Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

I Answer Your Questions, Round One

Just answering all here even though some were labeled okay to unscreen so everything's in the ame place.

What is your favorite Tarot card and why?
Sorry, I don't have one; I've never felt a connection with tarot!

From where I sit, you've been amazingly clear and cogent about the situation and your reaction to it. No questions per se, but if you have any thoughts that you feel like sharing about what we can do to avoid getting into such situations in the first place, I would be interested in hearing them.
Thank you. And hm. I don't have any thoughts yet, because I'm still in that place where I'm trying to figure out how this happened to me in the first place. Eventually there will be posts on that, as well as posts on what it's like to navigate this process and access these resources.

One thing that popped into my head: all of his exes were "crazy". Possessive, controlling, et cetera - everything that I assume he's saying about me now. (I do know that he's told multiple people that I "went crazy". Clearly, they looked at me, looked at him, and drew logical conclusions.) When I look back, everyone's behavior makes perfect sense - if I assume that he was lying to and cheating on them like he was with me. "All my exes are crazy" should have been a red flag. It certainly will be from now on. There will definitely be more thoughts in this vein.

Can I ask a question totally unrelated to all of your recent tsuris? Where did the name 'Gojirawitz' come from?
Adam and I like trashy pop culture. Like Godzilla, whose original name was Gojira. We joked once that, instead of me taking his name, we should make up a new name - Gojirawitz! Conveys strength, nuclear power, and mostly-just-cultural Judaism. Yeah, that stuck.

The biggest thing that I want to know is how your writing day tomorrow goes... I guess to put it bluntly, I want to hear about how you are doing at being yourself and not stifling yourself for him, and the extent to which that includes you talking about Judah is whatever extent you need that to be, but as far as I can see he can go hang, in a metaphorical sense.

I will let y'all know!

So far the process of being me-without-Judah - the deliberate aspects of it - have been going very well. The completeness of the separation helps. I went out dancing and to a burlesque show and a concert and two parties and a weird fun prom-based dance/event, and I tried out for a play - I didn't get in, but auditioning was a big step for me! I'm doing my best to take big steps, but consciously pacing myself, because I am in a variably fragile place.

But already I feel more visible. People asked me to dance at the prom thing. I wasn't expecting that. My light is brighter, if that makes sense.

And I had my first post-Judah first date (other than with Michael, who I was already involved with). See, in the time between Judah and I first dating and Judah moving here, I met this guy, and there was zing and making out, but I was overwhelmed with Judahfeels, and then Judah cheated on me days before moving back here, and our relationship got closed in order to deal. So I never followed through. So, uh, two years later, I pop up out of the blue apologizing for dropping off the face of the earth and giving the Cliff's Notes, and thank goodness for second chances is all I have to say, because dang. :)

Sometimes I talk about him. I did on the date, because my date asked, and we talked about his ex too. Sometimes I don't talk about him at all. Eventually he will fade into just being this super-evil ex and his name will rarely come up. I don't know when that will happen. It will take the time it takes.

But he is only a part of my life anymore in that his shit's still here and there'll be criminal and civil proceedings to go through. He has too much of my time, but none of my heart. Not after what he did; not knowing what he is.

The poem I'll be working on tomorrow has told me that it's called "The Life Cycle of the Phoenix".
Tags: assault and battery, david judah sher, domestic violence, judah sher, rape
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