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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
I Answer Your Questions, Round One 
20th-Jun-2013 01:49 pm
Hearth
Just answering all here even though some were labeled okay to unscreen so everything's in the ame place.

What is your favorite Tarot card and why?
Sorry, I don't have one; I've never felt a connection with tarot!

From where I sit, you've been amazingly clear and cogent about the situation and your reaction to it. No questions per se, but if you have any thoughts that you feel like sharing about what we can do to avoid getting into such situations in the first place, I would be interested in hearing them.
Thank you. And hm. I don't have any thoughts yet, because I'm still in that place where I'm trying to figure out how this happened to me in the first place. Eventually there will be posts on that, as well as posts on what it's like to navigate this process and access these resources.

One thing that popped into my head: all of his exes were "crazy". Possessive, controlling, et cetera - everything that I assume he's saying about me now. (I do know that he's told multiple people that I "went crazy". Clearly, they looked at me, looked at him, and drew logical conclusions.) When I look back, everyone's behavior makes perfect sense - if I assume that he was lying to and cheating on them like he was with me. "All my exes are crazy" should have been a red flag. It certainly will be from now on. There will definitely be more thoughts in this vein.

Can I ask a question totally unrelated to all of your recent tsuris? Where did the name 'Gojirawitz' come from?
Adam and I like trashy pop culture. Like Godzilla, whose original name was Gojira. We joked once that, instead of me taking his name, we should make up a new name - Gojirawitz! Conveys strength, nuclear power, and mostly-just-cultural Judaism. Yeah, that stuck.

The biggest thing that I want to know is how your writing day tomorrow goes... I guess to put it bluntly, I want to hear about how you are doing at being yourself and not stifling yourself for him, and the extent to which that includes you talking about Judah is whatever extent you need that to be, but as far as I can see he can go hang, in a metaphorical sense.

I will let y'all know!

So far the process of being me-without-Judah - the deliberate aspects of it - have been going very well. The completeness of the separation helps. I went out dancing and to a burlesque show and a concert and two parties and a weird fun prom-based dance/event, and I tried out for a play - I didn't get in, but auditioning was a big step for me! I'm doing my best to take big steps, but consciously pacing myself, because I am in a variably fragile place.

But already I feel more visible. People asked me to dance at the prom thing. I wasn't expecting that. My light is brighter, if that makes sense.

And I had my first post-Judah first date (other than with Michael, who I was already involved with). See, in the time between Judah and I first dating and Judah moving here, I met this guy, and there was zing and making out, but I was overwhelmed with Judahfeels, and then Judah cheated on me days before moving back here, and our relationship got closed in order to deal. So I never followed through. So, uh, two years later, I pop up out of the blue apologizing for dropping off the face of the earth and giving the Cliff's Notes, and thank goodness for second chances is all I have to say, because dang. :)

Sometimes I talk about him. I did on the date, because my date asked, and we talked about his ex too. Sometimes I don't talk about him at all. Eventually he will fade into just being this super-evil ex and his name will rarely come up. I don't know when that will happen. It will take the time it takes.

But he is only a part of my life anymore in that his shit's still here and there'll be criminal and civil proceedings to go through. He has too much of my time, but none of my heart. Not after what he did; not knowing what he is.

The poem I'll be working on tomorrow has told me that it's called "The Life Cycle of the Phoenix".
Comments 
20th-Jun-2013 08:22 pm (UTC)
If it isn't helpful to have these things pointed out, please tell me, and I'll stop. But this, right here? Is another thing you masked from most of your friends: and then Judah cheated on me days before moving back here, and our relationship got closed in order to deal. The public story was "We feel so much for each other we decided to close the relationship to explore this OMG!intense!feeling."
20th-Jun-2013 08:31 pm (UTC)
It is helpful - thanks for checking!

As with a lot of my masking, both of those things were true - I needed time and space to figure out the cheating (which was presented as "I didn't understand the boundary!", when he had sex with a complete stranger, when I'd been super-clear about my boundaries and STI concerns), but we really already were in a super-intense place and would likely have been unofficially closed anyway.
20th-Jun-2013 10:07 pm (UTC)
"All my exes are crazy" should have been a red flag. It certainly will be from now on.

I support this, as it is one that has been a long-standing red flag in my collection.


In addition, the "because we are so intense" is also a mild flag for me, in retrospect. It's not that I actually have anything against intense, but because I'm not particularly wired for limerance, I am deeply suspicious of relationships that involve the "We met, and BANG! Chemistry! We are so connected!" narrative.

I know very well they happen and sometimes go well, but I always suspect they will flame out and I always worry they will spiral badly (even when I have no signs they will).

That's mostly my own biases, and has very little to do with the actual health of the relationships in question, so I rarely bring it up. (I know too many people who have that narrative and have lovely healthy relationships years later for me to believe it is anything but my own unease talking.)

It is, however, one of the things I remember thinking when I first met Judah and when I read the "we are closed because we are so intense". (I can't remember if I told you this.)




Edited at 2013-06-20 10:07 pm (UTC)
21st-Jun-2013 11:38 am (UTC)
(I can't remember if I told you this.)

I don't think you did, but that was years ago, and so much has happened since!
21st-Jun-2013 12:57 am (UTC)
It is much, much easier to see things in hindsight than while they're happening, and from what I have read about abusers, they don't LET their victims have time or space to figure things out.

There's a throwaway line in a post you made just before I saw you last, at my bookstore event in August...

http://shadesong.livejournal.com/4406393.html

...in which you parenthesize: "no plan survives contact with Elayna and Judah".

Italics mine. Viewed in the rear-view mirror, that throwaway line takes on more significance.

I saw you as tamped down and dimmed that weekend in August because of losing Jack and learning about your grandmother. I'm sorry that I didn't see any warning signs of unhappiness beyond those factors.

[edited for spelling]

Edited at 2013-06-21 12:57 am (UTC)
21st-Jun-2013 11:39 am (UTC)
they don't LET their victims have time or space to figure things out.

Exactly. Constantly whipsawed by his gaslighting, especially in the last few months.

"no plan survives contact with Elayna and Judah".

*nods* My oblique frustrated reference to his refusal to ever give me my writing time, actively preventing me from working.
21st-Jun-2013 02:31 pm (UTC)
Enjoy your writing time to the fullest.
20th-Jun-2013 11:55 pm (UTC)
Your light is brighter.
21st-Jun-2013 11:39 am (UTC)
Thank you. (Tell me more?)
21st-Jun-2013 12:51 am (UTC)
""All my exes are crazy" should have been a red flag."
This is such a good insight. I'm going to have to make myself remember it.
21st-Jun-2013 11:41 am (UTC)
Yeah. I feel like generally, yes, most of us have had awful breakups in our past - but personally, I'm friends with most of my exes. Definitely not all! But most. To not be on good terms with a single ex Says Something. "Crazy" says something too.
21st-Jun-2013 02:04 pm (UTC)
Yup. I see this with my dad: "All my bosses are crazy and horrible and out to get me." One, maybe two, catastrophically bad breakups/exes/bosses/whatever, sure, that's bad luck. We've all got a story like that. But when every single one, for fifty years, is crazy and out to get you? Time to look at what the only common factor is in all those situations.
21st-Jun-2013 04:09 am (UTC)
Other relationship red flags, collected from personal experience:
  • You find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid setting off your partner

  • They isolate you from family and friends, slowly but surely

  • They want to know your whereabouts at all times, and get angry if they don't know where you are or are hanging out with someone they don't want you to

  • As previously noted, all exes are "crazy" and everything bad that happened in previous relationship was the fault of said exes; bonus points for "...and therefore I don't need my medication/therapy because I'm not with that person now and therefore everything's peachy"

  • Multiple instances of lies and boundary transgressions

  • They gaslight you and you begin to doubt your own perceptions of what's going on

  • They threaten to break up with you repeatedly, saying that problems in the relationship are all your fault, putting you in the position of begging not to be left and promising to "do better" (which will be totally impossible, by the way)

  • Your everyday behavior and demeanor changes so much that people may ask if you are ill or even on drugs

  • Life's various difficulties are presented as proof that everyone is against them


Edited at 2013-06-21 04:11 am (UTC)
21st-Jun-2013 11:44 am (UTC)
Yes, yes, yes to all of this. :( Except he didn't threaten to break up with me. He'd withdraw emotionally - implicit threat, not explicit. To make me work harder and sacrifice more.

Everything else, yes. He was lazy in his startup, so his business partners were out to get him. And you saw me withdraw and become isolated - or rather, you *didn't* see me.
21st-Jun-2013 05:35 pm (UTC)
Also:

- You find yourself behaving extremely out-of-character for yourself (eg, freaking out when the partner is out later than they said they'd be, calling around to make sure partner is where they said they'd be, driving around to make sure partner is where they said they'd be, rifling their drawers/room/electronic devices), looking for some sort of nebulous "evidence" of... something. Really just looking for validation of your own perception that you're being lied to.

- Your friends tolerate your partner, but have more or less hidden dislike/distaste for said partner.

- Moving goalposts, the inability for you to do anything right/that makes the partner happy.

- They take credit for your accomplishments, after making it almost impossible for you to achieve said accomplishments.



Edited at 2013-06-21 05:35 pm (UTC)
21st-Jun-2013 05:59 am (UTC)
The poem I'll be working on tomorrow has told me that it's called "The Life Cycle of the Phoenix".

Prrrt.

Not being invisible is good.
21st-Jun-2013 02:16 pm (UTC)
Adam and I like trashy pop culture. Like Godzilla, whose original name was Gojira. We joked once that, instead of me taking his name, we should make up a new name - Gojirawitz! Conveys strength, nuclear power, and mostly-just-cultural Judaism. Yeah, that stuck.

According to wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_English_words_of_Yiddish_origin):

"witz is Yiddish for "joke" (from german Witz)"

So, extralicious appropriate.

Edited at 2013-06-21 02:17 pm (UTC)
24th-Jun-2013 03:03 am (UTC) - completely off topic, college
i do not know if you have looked into this, BUT...just in case
CLEP tests and DSST tests are accepted at every university. they are worth 3 credits each, and cost about 100 dollars or so to take....
which beats my current cost of 1500 for 3 credits pretty handily

so if its something your child does well (test take) it may be worth while...
go to the college registrar, with your list of required and elective classes, and ask "which of these do you accept a CLEP test for?"
be prepared to chase around a lot, usually there is like ONE person who knows

get the exact test name
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