My sleep has been massively disrupted lately, which throws everything off. Stumbling through this week. I need to get my brain to stop dreaming of him, because all of those dreams are Very Bad.
Various realizations harvested from my Twitter:
...going back through old stuff, it's amazing how much I stifled myself due to Judah's need to be the prettiest person in the room. "Judah needs the affirmation of people being into him more than I do (I have long since cultivated the Art of Not Giving a Fuck), and it's not worth fooling around if it makes him sad, so we stay closed." From a chat back in September. Welp. Seriously, god forbid people were flirting with me and not him; he had an Episode in January when a particular woman seemed more interested in me than in him. I dimmed my light a lot. I had a constant spotlight on him.
Isolating the victim from their communities is textbook DV behavior. The particular hell that's gettng me today? Had he not isolated me from my BARCC community, it wouldn't have gone this far. People would've recognized what was going on. People with experience. But I was traumatized and took leave, and then there was always a reason he gave not to go back. Every Peer Supe night, there was something else we should be doing.
It's also been pointed out to me that he didn't just passively keep me from writing, he actively did so by not leaving the house on time or at all.
Observations of others: He kept bringing "friends" around who would stomp on your boundaries, big time. Of course, you never talked about the actual cheating, so I didn't know about that. But I've been thinking, "You know, a loving partner wouldn't keep bringing nasty people into YOUR life and letting them trash you." And then you two would have a big talk and get your boundaries all re-defined again, and things would be better for a while. Until the next time.
From a person who's been through a relationship like this: My bet is that Judah has been a guy who just needed a break & some time to get things moving & whatever since you met him. His compliments at the beginning were some of the most amazing things anyone ever said to you. And then they got less sweet, but not actually cruel. And you questioned yourself over whether or not you were holding up your end. Then there was the flirting that was harmless but not, and okay you were busy & he wasn't breaking any rules until he was & that was your fault too. Because you weren't supportive enough or nice enough or whatever the line was & someone else was there for him. And sex was an issue in one way or another, along with money. And yeah, you were arguing with him so it wasn't his fault that he said mean things or hurt you or whatever. It was still all your fault. I know that whole song. Hell I think I used to sing it to myself. And I'm certain you weren't perfect GF & knew it so you ran around trying to be perfect through all of this so you could get back the guy you fell in love with who was so amazing.
I have a lot more stuff from a lot more people, including several of his exes, but it's all identifiable.
*sigh* He told the people who helped him last week that he intended to have his stuff out of here within the week. Well, it's a full week later, and I have yet to hear from the cops or the courts that he's attempted to set up a day and time for that. Which is what I expected, because I ran his entire life, and I knew he wouldn't be able to get anything done without me. We're coming up on a point where he'll need to pay July rent as well, so at least his laziness is delaying our financial setback.
Today I have writer-work to do, and cleaning, if I can shake this exhaustion.