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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Because I'm recording everything to do with this. 
8th-Jun-2013 01:40 pm
Hearth
Realized last night that I am, in fact, not going to have another baby.

Judah and I had talked about children, you see. A lot. Because Judah really, really wanted kids. Judah was baby-crazy, I'd joke to everyone. Rarely did a week pass that he didn't talk about impregnating me.

And I'm 39, you know. And my body is not best suited to pregnancy at this point of disability. So there was a timecrunch factor, and some leeriness on my part. But Judah had to have a baby...

So I was thinking about that this morning, about the realization that I was definitely not having a baby now, about how it was a relief to have that pressure to breed anew off me...

...

...oh yeah.

Reproductive coercion is totally a thing.

...I expect these things to keep occurring to me as time passes. I expect to keep recording them here as they do.
Comments 
8th-Jun-2013 05:53 pm (UTC)
I hear you. My first husband was like that, and one of my post-husband boyfriends. They were all totally ok with my flat-out statement, "I am not ever having kids. If you want them, I am not the relationship for you. I will not change my mind, and I plan to be sterilized as soon as I can get a doc to do it."

Jim was ok with that until we hit 6 months of marriage and then would hint. Then he would have days where we would see kids playing and he would get quiet. Then he made some bullshit statement about how I was not a real woman for not wanting kids.

Stephen was A-ok with it, until he grokked that, no shit, I was serious. He got mad at me for something unrelated and laid the smack down that we WERE going to have kids and how could I deny this to him if I really loved him. Our relationship survived maybe two more months.

I understand how much someone can want to please a partner and how big a deal kids are. It must have been pretty rough for you. /hugs.
8th-Jun-2013 06:08 pm (UTC)
snug.
this is a reality that I am still tender about, for my own reasons.
8th-Jun-2013 06:37 pm (UTC) - And we'll keep listening, Hon.
Hang in there, you will come out the other side an even more awesome person.

I know it's corny, but Kelly Clarkson's song "Stronger" has become my mantra on days when I find I keep hitting and/or ripping off band-aids. (metaphorically speaking)
8th-Jun-2013 07:47 pm (UTC) - Re: And we'll keep listening, Hon.
Every so often, something corny also contains a substantial amount of awesome. With you on that. Oh, yeah.

8th-Jun-2013 06:51 pm (UTC)
I'll keep reading.
8th-Jun-2013 10:58 pm (UTC)
:(
9th-Jun-2013 12:32 am (UTC)
I will keep reading.
9th-Jun-2013 12:57 am (UTC)
Still here, still reading.
9th-Jun-2013 01:03 am (UTC)
And I will keep reading. Much love and strength to you.
9th-Jun-2013 01:12 am (UTC)
Still here, still reading.
9th-Jun-2013 01:15 am (UTC)
Recording everything is good.

I am glad that you find this to be a relief.
9th-Jun-2013 01:21 am (UTC)
I read this.
9th-Jun-2013 01:47 am (UTC)
Your recording of all this makes sense, and will prove useful to you.
9th-Jun-2013 03:22 am (UTC)
Y.A.N.A.
9th-Jun-2013 03:23 am (UTC)
You probably already know about this, since it seems to be based in Boston, but just in case, if not... there is a hotline specifically for LGBT/BDSM/Poly folks. They are called The Network/La Red. Here is their 24/7 crisis hotline: 617-742-4911. And their website: http://tnlr.org/

One of the kind counselors at RAINN's chat gave me their info last night. (After patiently listening to me ramble and abuse English in my anxiety). Thank you for pointing out that crisis center lines are for friends and family too. She helped me stop winding myself up with worry.
9th-Jun-2013 03:28 am (UTC)
I was thinking of you (shadesong) when I passed by their booth at the Pride festival this afternoon.
9th-Jun-2013 04:01 am (UTC)
Guhhh. Glad that you are not tied to him in that way!
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