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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
State of the Me 
5th-Jun-2013 08:51 am
* Some people have been sending me, at my request, their observations of his behavior patterns. If you have observations, please do that. It helps to have corroborating evidence of his behaviors. Because gaslighting. I am also speaking to some people who've known him far longer than I, with interesting results. If you've had this sort of issue with Judah in the past, please let me know; I want your story. I am creating a map here.

* My mood is all over the place. I get what I call "a creepy feeling" that's not easy for me do describe, other than me feeling horribly unsafe. It passes eventually. But also I still feel guilty for speaking up sometimes, because it is All the Everything, and... I don't know. I'm tired. I did not want any of this.

* But, of course, one of the reasons I had to speak up is that he's shown that he's very good at manipulating me into believing that he wants to change and get better and that he really needs my help. I'm vulnerable to that. I need the evidence and I need the witnessing to keep myself from going back to him. I knew once I posted the words, I never could. If I hadn't, I still might have found some brain-twisty way to take him back.

* I was reminded last night that he'd followed the fuck a stranger/bully me/have an epiphany about how wrong he was and promise to be a better man pattern as far back as May 2011. So there's that. He did it days before moving to Boston to be with me. At the time, I wrote it off as "he must not have understood my boundaries and our agreements", but in retrospect - it matches behaviors since too precisely, and yes, I had been clear.


* My parents, sister and brother-in-law, and birthfamily will all be here this weekend for Elayna's graduation! They all fly in tomorrow, and will be here when Judah comes to collect some of his stuff.

* This means that today is a serious housecleaning day! None of them are staying here, but, y'know. Perhaps I will finish the laundry cycle that started with my Wiscon clothes and has expanded to include the sheets he did that to me on, the duvet cover, the towels rescued from his room, et cetera. I really should, because Elayna needs to do her laundry. Cleaning is good for this sort of thing anyway.

* I'm looking to change my webhosting - Dreamhost is being weird about letting me change from a $190 two-year lump sum (I do not have that money right now) to a $10.95 monthly payment. Anyone have recommendations? Can anyone talk me through the process of switching? Also, all my domains are still registered through GoDaddy, and in for a penny, in for a pound - what are to good domain registrars, and how do I switch that?

Now I will sit down and make the great big list of all the stuff I gotta do. Whee?
5th-Jun-2013 01:47 pm (UTC)
Hmf. LJ marking me as spam just because I included a link!


Boo Go Daddy. I had trouble wrestling my domain registration away from them. And after that, they started with their sexist commercials.

Dreamhost does give you one free domain registration with your hosting. And AFAIK, they're still doing the 'refer someone and we'll give you money' thing. So maybe you can find someone who'll list you as their referral?

Boo Go Daddy. I had trouble wrestling my domain registration away from them. And after that, they started with their sexist commercials.

Dreamhost does give you one free domain registration with your hosting. And AFAIK, they're still doing the 'refer someone and we'll give you money' thing. So maybe you can find someone who'll list you as their referral?

Website: dreamhost dot com slash affiliates
5th-Jun-2013 02:30 pm (UTC)
if LJ is marking your comment as spam for including a link, shadesong may need to turn off this setting in her personal journal.
5th-Jun-2013 02:21 pm (UTC)
M uses nearlyfreespeech.net for both domain registration and hosting. It's a pay for what you use model, so if you have another Changeling's Lament that goes viral, you might get hit with a bigger bill than you expect, but for our purposes, it's a great service.
5th-Jun-2013 03:26 pm (UTC)
I use nearlyfreespeech.net for some of my hosting and Dreamhost for some of it (not wanting to have all my eggs in one basket) and while I will say that NFS has been reliable, there's quite a steep learning curve. They are *not* a full-service web host like Dreamhost is. You can probably ultimately do more on NFS than you can with Dreamhost, but you'll be doing a lot more by hand.
5th-Jun-2013 02:28 pm (UTC)
He needs to change, whether he wants to or not. He needs to get better. He will undoubtedly need help.

You are not the one who can or should give it.

Strength to your arm.
5th-Jun-2013 04:18 pm (UTC)
Ayup, alla this.
5th-Jun-2013 02:53 pm (UTC)
I use A Small Orange for my host and really like them.

Thank you so much for speaking out about your experience. It's helping me personally deal with a past experience and I'm learning how to be compassionate towards myself.

Also I'm helping a friend who just experienced a rape who didn't have the words or resources to cope. Because of my connecting with you I was able to name what happened to her and support her in getting help.

So sorry you are going through this and glad you are you. :)

5th-Jun-2013 03:03 pm (UTC)
I'm in the process of setting up a new Wordpress install. Although I'm self-hosting, and thus cannot help with Dreamhost itself, I can at least offer to provide advice on Wordpress, esp. backup/transfer, securing and SEO -- if you think you'll need it? I'm doing a lot of Wordpress Best Practices research on top of what I already know, but haven't had time to implement until now.

[EDIT: This is for the domain name bit, sorry for being unclear!] I've used Joker.com, based out of Germany, for over a decade now. Their GUI is pretty awful, but I've never had any issues with usage. Not sure what you'd need for switching, but if you choose it I can help on the Joker end, at least.

Edited at 2013-06-05 03:09 pm (UTC)
5th-Jun-2013 04:26 pm (UTC)
First, make sure that the domains do not have the contact info privacy service on them, as domains with that turned on cannot be transferred. If you do have contact info privacy and are unsure of the login information, check in your domain control center and see if the privacy account number is listed there. The privacy account is by default set up with the same information as your GoDaddy account at the moment of domain purchase, so it would be the email address from the era when you bought the domain. (I'm not sure if you have privacy or not? but those were the usual stumbling blocks for people who did.)

There will be knowledge base articles on how to unlock your domain for transfer; there may even be specific ones for transfer to your new registrar.

Changing the registrant information fields on the domain will "lock" the domain so that it cannot be transferred out, for 30 days. This is a pain in the ass when a domain is coming up for renewal and you'd like to get it elsewhere, but it's in place because of historical problems with domain theft (change contact info, then transfer away, and HILARIOUS FUNTIMES ENSUE for the original owner; therefore people can't do that anymore).
5th-Jun-2013 04:41 pm (UTC)
Stefan uses Arvixe and really likes them and they're cheap.
5th-Jun-2013 04:57 pm (UTC)
I use gandi.net for my domain registrar, and have been very happy with them for over ten years.

Can't be much help for webhosting - all my personal stuff I self-host, the only other webhosting I have any experience with is Dreamhost. Gandi may have webhosting available - I know they have cloud stuff of various sorts.
(Deleted comment)
5th-Jun-2013 07:26 pm (UTC)
It's not ever easy to move your domain to another provider. You don't need that extra crap to do right now.

I'm with Dreamhost, if you want to piggyback on my account, you're welcome to do so. I have several domains and have a few friends with sites that they self-manage. In other words, I can set it up so you manage yourself.

But honestly? Your friends (including me) will give you $200 *much* easier than moving a domain to a new place. This is a situation where a little bit of "ask" is going to buy you a whole lot of time (2 years). You don't want to ask - I know you don't - but just do it.

Please give all of your friends who are clamoring for *something* they can do to help you, a chance to actually help you. It's small, it's easy, and it's one thing checked off the list of crap you're dealing with right now.

(as for the other stuff, I don't think I could pick Judah out of a lineup, I remember meeting him at a Stack party last year but I only remember you telling me how great things were going, I can't even recall what he said...so I'm no help there)

Also, please take my firm comments above as me trying to be helpful. If they offend in any way I apologize, that is not my intent.
5th-Jun-2013 07:27 pm (UTC)
ETA Also Dreamhost will do domain registration for you, $9.95 per domain per year, with 1 free domain on your account.
5th-Jun-2013 08:23 pm (UTC)
I second awfief about the Dreamhost bill. You don't need the headache of having to move your online stuff in the middle of everything, and that's one problem that actually is solvable (at least for the next two years) simply by throwing money at it.

Which can be arranged.
7th-Jun-2013 03:42 am (UTC)
You know, one thing about Dreamhost is that they have a gift card system where you can make a gift card for any amount up to $119, so it would be pretty easy for a group of people to provide for the bill in full. I'd pitch in for that.
5th-Jun-2013 09:16 pm (UTC)
Because I know it can help to have this repeated even when you already know it and people are already saying it, I'll repeat a few things:

* You have nothing to feel guilty about.

* You get to own your own story. You get to be as public or as private about all of it as you want to be. You can even be different levels of public and private about different aspects of it. No one is owed any part of your story. And no one can tell you how or when or if or how loudly or in what manner to tell your own story. You can write it all down on paper and then burn it, you can publish a book about it, you can get up on a roof and shout it from a bullhorn, you can do an interpretative dance about it in the privacy of your bathroom. Whatever you need to do - that's what you get to do.

* If anyone has a problem with how/why/if you're sharing your story - that is their problem. Not yours.

* No one has a right to you, or a right to access to you, or a right to anything of yours. Not your body, not your time, not your space, not your help, not your love, not your home, not your friendship, not your energy, not your resources - nothing.

* Whether he would be capable of accepting help and actually changing at this point or not, it's not on you to help him do it. It wouldn't actually even be to his benefit to have you be the one to help him and it would actively harm you.

* Even if he never ever did anything wrong his whole entire life to you or anyone else right up until the time he hurt you - it's still wrong what he did, you still have every right to cast him out, you still have every reason to be feeling what you're feeling, and he's still an asshole for having hurt you. If it helps (and I totes get how it would!!!) to map out the history and try to understand his patterns, then good on you, I'm glad you're able to do that. But even if he was, like, superman before this? It doesn't change what happened or how what happened affected you.

* Everyone who cares about you wants you to be doing only things that are good and healing and right for you right now. Sometimes they might think they know what that is, but really, only you do. You get to say so and they should respect that.

* It's okay to ask for help. Lots of people want to help. It's also okay to turn help down. Not all kinds of help offered are actually all that helpful. But it's to ask, or accept, help. It doesn't make you less of an amazing, strong, incredible person to do that.

* You're an amazing, strong, incredible person!! But you also get to be vulnerable and miserable and messy sometimes too.

* You have nothing to feel guilty about.

5th-Jun-2013 11:32 pm (UTC)
6th-Jun-2013 05:36 am (UTC)
I'm no longer sure what subset of the above I had intended to say, and what subset I now feel certain I intended to say because it's just so obviously right, but either way... yeah. What they said. (nods)
6th-Jun-2013 01:25 am (UTC)
I wanted to say that I have read this, and all of your previous posts on this issue, as well as previous posts linked from those posts. I don't know that I have anything worth saying, but I have read it all.
7th-Jun-2013 05:06 pm (UTC) - hosting stuff
Dan runs hosting for several of our friends, on a "every so often we remember to ask people to chip in" basis. Let me know if you want to know more about that - looks like you've got lots of other options.

Big congrats to Elayna! Please tell her, from me!
8th-Jun-2013 12:43 pm (UTC) - Re: hosting stuff
I'd like to know. Especially if I can get help transferring stuff? I have zero clue on any of this. I just went ahead and switched to $10.95/month for the time being.
9th-Jun-2013 03:38 pm (UTC)
My mood is all over the place. I get what I call "a creepy feeling" that's not easy for me do describe, other than me feeling horribly unsafe. It passes eventually. But also I still feel guilty for speaking up sometimes, because it is All the Everything, and... I don't know. I'm tired. I did not want any of this.

Thank you for speaking up. It also helped me see patterns in past events in my own life :[

Gam ze yaavor. It's good to know you are not alone and you have support. Wishing you even more of it! :]
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