Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

State of the Me

* Some people have been sending me, at my request, their observations of his behavior patterns. If you have observations, please do that. It helps to have corroborating evidence of his behaviors. Because gaslighting. I am also speaking to some people who've known him far longer than I, with interesting results. If you've had this sort of issue with Judah in the past, please let me know; I want your story. I am creating a map here.

* My mood is all over the place. I get what I call "a creepy feeling" that's not easy for me do describe, other than me feeling horribly unsafe. It passes eventually. But also I still feel guilty for speaking up sometimes, because it is All the Everything, and... I don't know. I'm tired. I did not want any of this.

* But, of course, one of the reasons I had to speak up is that he's shown that he's very good at manipulating me into believing that he wants to change and get better and that he really needs my help. I'm vulnerable to that. I need the evidence and I need the witnessing to keep myself from going back to him. I knew once I posted the words, I never could. If I hadn't, I still might have found some brain-twisty way to take him back.

* I was reminded last night that he'd followed the fuck a stranger/bully me/have an epiphany about how wrong he was and promise to be a better man pattern as far back as May 2011. So there's that. He did it days before moving to Boston to be with me. At the time, I wrote it off as "he must not have understood my boundaries and our agreements", but in retrospect - it matches behaviors since too precisely, and yes, I had been clear.

ANYWAY.

* My parents, sister and brother-in-law, and birthfamily will all be here this weekend for Elayna's graduation! They all fly in tomorrow, and will be here when Judah comes to collect some of his stuff.

* This means that today is a serious housecleaning day! None of them are staying here, but, y'know. Perhaps I will finish the laundry cycle that started with my Wiscon clothes and has expanded to include the sheets he did that to me on, the duvet cover, the towels rescued from his room, et cetera. I really should, because Elayna needs to do her laundry. Cleaning is good for this sort of thing anyway.

* I'm looking to change my webhosting - Dreamhost is being weird about letting me change from a $190 two-year lump sum (I do not have that money right now) to a $10.95 monthly payment. Anyone have recommendations? Can anyone talk me through the process of switching? Also, all my domains are still registered through GoDaddy, and in for a penny, in for a pound - what are to good domain registrars, and how do I switch that?

Now I will sit down and make the great big list of all the stuff I gotta do. Whee?
Tags: assault and battery, david judah sher, domestic violence, judah sher, rape
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