Michael has been marvelous at keeping me busy and getting me through this, but he is leaving this morning, and soon I will just be back to bleakly figuring this out.
Where the practicalities stand:
Thursday at 6, Judah is coming with the police to pick some of his stuff up. This is supposed to be a 5-10 minute trip to grab essentials. In order to pack up all of his stuff and get it out, he needs to hire a police escort for several hours - off-duty cops at time and a half. I expect he's weighing the costs of just leaving everything here and continuing to pay rent vs. paying for the police escort. Obviously having the rent paid up is good for us, but I want this to be over. I want his stuff out.
To answer the question many people have asked: I think us packing his stuff up for him is a bad idea. He's already shown that he's a liar, and I don't put it past him to claim that things are missing, or to break things himself and tell people we did it. I believe it's in everyone's best interest to not give him the opportunity to do that.
One of the problems with the pickup: "He's going to bring some friends with him." I told the police wait, no, because his "friends", the ones who goaded him into that hideous spiral of behavior the week I was gone, the ones who continue to harass me - those people cannot be here. I gave a list, and I'll be talking to the detective investigating the sexual assault portion of this today regarding the harassment (I told her about it as part of the history leading up to the rape and assault, but there's new stuff). The cops were very interested in that.
So they said I can refuse to let in anyone I'm not comfortable with. But I'm pretty sure they're still planning to show up as a cheap intimidation tactic - but my entire family will be here. And my tough-guy BARCC colleague Bobby. And if other people want to be here, we can do a dinner party later.
So there's that. That's Thursday. And we've already swept the house and put everything he owns into his room, so he shouldn't need to be here too long, and Adam will accompany him and the police to make sure he doesn't try to steal anything from my room while he's upstairs.
Today I'll be talking to the SA detective about the harassment and about my decision to push forward with this case. It will be a tough one to prosecute - intimate partner violence always is. But I actually have video of me sleeping while on Lunesta - sleep study last year. Near-comatose. Immobile. His "she wanted it" defense will not stand in the sight of the video of drugged, immobile me, a doctor testifying as to what effect Lunesta has on a person, and a parade of character witnesses who've slept beside me or been told when sleeping in the same house how I am on Lunesta.
I'll also be doing my phone intake with the Victim Rights Law Center. And looking into organizations that do domestic violence counseling - I haven't been in this situation in 13 years, and what happened with my ex-husband was barely anything compared to this. I have no frame of reference.
Accompanying Michael to the airport soon via T (unless a last-minute ride materializes). Then a lot of terrible phone calls, after which I may need some Gchat, and I'll try to deal with backlogged comments and e-mails on the topic. Then I don't know. I don't know how to relax anymore. The horrible rapid escalation of May took that from me. I will have to learn again.
I will have to learn how to not live in crisis.
Because this has brought up a *lot* of the worst stuff from my past, stuff I fought through and conquered, and now I have to do it again.
For now, coffee and breakfast. One thing at a time.