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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
How I know that he knew for a fact that he was raping me. 
3rd-Jun-2013 06:30 pm

Two notes.

1. When he cheated on me with the person who probably gave him HPV, he used his fingers in her. After all of my processing about the cheating and supporting him through his mock-sadness about cheating on me, one of my ridiculous thoughts, which I voiced to him, was "and dammit, she got something I never get!" He never seemed to like doing that, and he had other skills, so I never pushed for it (I have this thing where I don't pressure them to do sexual stuff they don't want to do, WEIRD RIGHT). But that was something that was never a part of our sex life.

It was pointed out to me yesterday that this was an interesting chain of events and choices here. That he was mad at me for being upset about repeated boundary violations, which started with him fingerfucking someone, and I'd said that half-jokingly, and I woke up from heavy sedation that night with his fingers shoved up me, which is an act that he has not done with me in over two years.

So that's interesting.

2. Remember this post? Because he and I did talk about it extensively at the time. Specific point of note:

1997. Three years after the rape I still think of as The Rape. My boyfriend and I have been hanging out a lot with the Tori Amos fan community; this is in the days of IRC, and I met said boyfriend and a lot of friends on #tori. I was introduced to Tori's music by a friend when she heard I'd been raped; she played "Me and a Gun" for me. This is the year after Boys for Pele came out, and we've been following Tori around Florida, showing up at all the meet and greets. At a club in Tampa I kiss this one fellow fan, because we're all elated and people are kissing each other. Months later, he's over at our house; we're all going out later with fellow fans. He and my boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch together; Elayna is napping in her room. I am so exhausted, and the guys encourage me to nap on the couch. I do.

I wake up with two fingers in my vagina.

I freeze. I sneak a peek through my slitted eyelids. My boyfriend isn't there, and this near-stranger who, yes, I kissed once on a dance floor.

He moves his fingers.

I stay frozen for the longest I-don't-know-how-long of my life while he continues to do this. Finally I fake shifting in my sleep, and he withdraws his hand. Soon after that, I fake waking up. I stumble into the kitchen for a glass of water and don't look at him. I apologize for not looking at him. He tells my my boyfriend went to run errands. I say okay.

I never tell my boyfriend. Because I kissed this guy once, you know. I know what my boyfriend would say.

It takes over a decade for me to realize that this is rape.

So yes. He knew. He absolutely knew.
3rd-Jun-2013 10:36 pm (UTC)
Even without the data, you didn't negotiate for it in advance? IT'S BLOODY OBVIOUS.

(Edited first version of comment for too much "how can anyone NOT know argh argh")

Edited at 2013-06-03 10:38 pm (UTC)
3rd-Jun-2013 10:40 pm (UTC)
Oh I know! But he's pulling "I didn't mean it" and "she liked it", the latter because my unconscious body responded.

It's rape because I was unconscious and unable to give consent. All of this makes it look premeditated, is the thing.
4th-Jun-2013 12:30 am (UTC)
Fucking denial fields. (Also, agreed.)

Edited at 2013-06-04 12:31 am (UTC)
4th-Jun-2013 01:22 am (UTC)
I have nightmares over the "but you liked it." That one can be a bitch to work through, and makes me seriously angry.
4th-Jun-2013 08:34 pm (UTC)
4th-Jun-2013 01:42 am (UTC)
You know this, everyone knows this, I would have thought HE knows this: THE BODY RESPONDING DOES NOT MEAN WANT OR LIKE OR ANYTHING. IT MEANS SET OF PHYSICAL RESPONSES TRIGGERED, and ESPECIALLY when there's been trauma in the past, the body responds because responding reduces injury potential and pain. It's a self defense mechanism!

I'm so sorry this happened. I'm so sorry this went on for as long as it did. If you want anything, let me know.
4th-Jun-2013 08:36 pm (UTC)
He knows. You know how I'm always talking about that stuff; I've even said repeatedly how glad I am that my body never responded during the rape my speech is about, because bodies responding = a known and awful thing. He knows.
4th-Jun-2013 12:27 pm (UTC)
So, apparently in the YEARS he has known you, he didn't listen to a damn thing you said about rape education. /headdesk

Some people have no issues with medicated/intoxicated sex and pre-negotiate before it happens. Others don't want anything to do with it and make that clear. Like you have. I've never shared intimate sleeping space with you and I know your boundaries.

And the fact that the human body responds physically to something it psychologically finds horrifying is so well known that I find it hard to believe that anyone can even THINK this is some kind of justification. To me, it's like saying that since the store didn't have a price tag on it, the item is free. Da Fuq?!
4th-Jun-2013 08:37 pm (UTC)
I do make it very clear to everyone I'm sleeping in the house with that the Lunesta will heavily sedate me. And I always specify to partners that I do not ever want to be woken up with sex. Some people like that! I am very clear on not being one of those people. Always have been.
4th-Jun-2013 03:16 pm (UTC)
He's spouting nonsense. Consent is conscious and deliberate. Reflexes *are not* consent. (You know this but I want to repeat it.)

*His* actions were conscious and deliberate; is he really trying to claim, "I didn't mean to penetrate her, it just kinda happened"?! That he used his fingers makes it even more clear that it was deliberate, IMO.

It does look like he knew what would hurt you and at that point he wanted to hurt you. And that is horrible. I also don't believe you were ever wrong to love or trust or have a relationship in the first place, and I'm still so very sorry he betrayed you.
4th-Jun-2013 08:38 pm (UTC)
It does look like he knew what would hurt you and at that point he wanted to hurt you.

Exactly. This was punishment.
4th-Jun-2013 10:37 pm (UTC)
And quite possibly that he wanted to hurt you and punish you and be able to claim that it was something that you had asked for.

Which is sick.

But hardly impossible.
4th-Jun-2013 12:20 am (UTC)
Jesus, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that this happened, and I'm so sorry that he clearly knew what he was about.
4th-Jun-2013 12:51 am (UTC)
This is why it bears repeating and repeating that rape is not about sex, it is about violence and domination and violation and reducing someone to not-a-person. Some may think, naively and with no malice, that if a rapist doesn't stick his penis into someone it isn't rape. Because heteronormative sex means orgasm for the male, and fingers aren't generally thought of as primarily sexual organs. If he had done that with a foreign object like a bottle or something, everyone would've been properly horrified, but because it was fingers, that's just, like, third base or something, no big deal, heavy petting. They're not thinking that it's not about how big a sexual act it appears to be, it's about taking away someone's agency and humanity. A lot of people get their ideas about rape from movies and it's like, if I wasn't gang-raped on a pinball table like Jodie Foster, I wasn't raped. If I don't have a black eye and broken bones I wasn't assaulted. And if the rapist didn't get off, he didn't really fuck me ergo he didn't really rape me so what's the biggie?

But as a lot of us found out the not-easy way (I don't want to say 'hard' in this context): rape is not sex. And relatedly, man-on-boy (and more rarely woman-on-girl) child molestation is largely not a homosexual act, or at least not motivated by sexual feelings so much as something-broken inside the rapist that needs expression in this awful way that seeks to enforce power on someone less powerful in the moment. So when some say 'it's not rape-rape' or whatever they don't seem to be processing the rapist mindset, which many of us had to understand from the receiving end whether we wanted to or not.

Um. I seem to have needed to blurt all that out when what I should be saying is that you are loved and you have legions of folks who'll get your back and I'm sorry for what happened but pity is not something I'm feeling because it's the absolute last thing you want and you're too big a survivor for that.
4th-Jun-2013 02:49 am (UTC)
Thank you. I was sexually assaulted by digital penetration (it's still really hard for me to say "raped") by a doctor who was doing a genital exam and was...apparently curious about my trans genitals? and some people are superreluctant to admit that that's anything beyond somewhat inappropriate :/ The whole "just fingers" thing is so absolutely horrible. :S
4th-Jun-2013 12:35 pm (UTC)
This. I just had a discussion yesterday with my friend about the fact that there is no Hierarchy of Trauma when it comes to what someone has been raped with.

Hypothetically speaking: "Because I was raped with finger or a bottle it wasn't 'as bad' as if it had been a cock?" So if the rapist gets arrested, the judge, jury, or court decides that it wasn't reallly rape and my attacker gets some stupid sentence, and I get told I have no right to be THAT traumatized.

Yeah no. That is not my story, or anything like my situation, but I have heard it and seen it. For some reason people want to make it out like it wasn't so bad because it wasn't a penis or "real sex" and I think this is for them to be able to say that the victim wasn't hurt so badly. It makes them feel better that their friend only had a little trauma...It's a comforting lie.
4th-Jun-2013 08:39 pm (UTC)
Um. I seem to have needed to blurt all that out when what I should be saying is that you are loved and you have legions of folks who'll get your back and I'm sorry for what happened but pity is not something I'm feeling because it's the absolute last thing you want and you're too big a survivor for that.

This made me laugh, so thank you for that!

And yes. This was not "but I thought we could have sexy funtimes after that huge fight even though you're unconscious and I know that's not okay". This was punishment.
4th-Jun-2013 02:49 am (UTC)
Skincrawl. The utter, utter bastard.
4th-Jun-2013 03:22 am (UTC)
I read this.
4th-Jun-2013 06:19 am (UTC)
Reading; witnessing; utterly appalled at everything. But especially for me, the betrayal of trust.

(Spoonless, have medical stuff going on, but please know that I'm mentally lighting candle for you, whether I comment or not.)
4th-Jun-2013 01:16 pm (UTC)
I read this.
4th-Jun-2013 01:20 pm (UTC)
Vile, malicious, and evil.

I pity the people in his life who continue to believe his lies.
4th-Jun-2013 01:40 pm (UTC)
He absolutely knew.

There's an almost surgical precision about the cruelty here that in my experience is very typical for abusers; they spend time during the good times studying for your weak points because that is where they are going to attack during the bad times.

There is never a moment where they are not taking in info and filing it away for later use. You know the hyper-awareness of a survivor in the days and weeks after? Abusers live in that headspace ALL the time. They just use the inputs differently.

I am so furious on your behalf, 'song. I wish there was a way I could put this anger to service to help you somehow.

4th-Jun-2013 08:40 pm (UTC)
they spend time during the good times studying for your weak points because that is where they are going to attack during the bad times.

Yes. What happened and the way he's speaking about it pushes some extremely specific triggers.
4th-Jun-2013 09:40 pm (UTC)
It baffles me that anyone could know you for more than, say, an hour, and claim to not know that an unconscious person is incapable of giving consent.
5th-Jun-2013 02:12 am (UTC)
I'm still reading.

I am having a lot of feelings but I'm not going to dump them on you. I'm going to sit with them.

Reading and witnessing.
10th-Jun-2013 08:21 pm (UTC)
As am I.
7th-Jun-2013 05:48 pm (UTC)
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