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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
1st-Jun-2013 11:02 am
Thank You.
I'm not able to thank everyone individually; I get overwhelmed when I try. But thank you.

No, Seriously, Thank You.
Special thanks to those who noted that a break with reality this sudden and severe is likely to be a medical issue and immediately reiterated that this does not excuse any of it or absolve him in any way. I agree with you, and I appreciate your reiterations.

Thank You, But
We have gotten many offers of financial help; I'm overwhelmed and sorting things out, and we haven't gotten to any of the financials yet. I hope that we can find a way to not need help. We're just dealing wit the more immediate concerns first, and probably won't get to sit down and talk about financial planning for another few days. I greatly appreciate all of you, but don't want to take money unless I know we need it, and don't want to take more than we need.

Why I Used the Words I Did
Copying and pasting from FB, where someone tried "but it's not rape-rape": I used the word rape very deliberately. The definition of rape in MA:
"Rape is a legal term that is defined in Massachusetts by three elements:
Penetration of ANY orifice by ANY object,
Force or threat of force, or
Sexual contact against the will of the victim.
Consent cannot be given (legally) if a person is impaired, intoxicated, drugged, underage, mentally challenged, unconscious, or asleep."

As Judah penetrated me with his fingers when I was impaired, drugged, unconscious, and asleep, this does meet the state's definition of rape. And the federal definition of rape used by the FBI is “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”

I am a writer and know what words mean!

I also found it important to name it as what it was because, in our society, many people turn a blind eye to spousal and intimate partner rape. It is important to speak up about these things that are very common and are very commonly silenced.

Recommendations Needed!
We're looking for recommendations of good lawyers who are friendly to our community; I'm assuming I'll need to file a civil suit in order to collect the several thousand dollars he owes us for back utilities/rent/groceries. Any recommendations?

Yeah No
I have heard that he's saying the accusations against him are untrue. This is interesting, given that he confessed to all of them in the courtroom - no questioning, just the judge saying "what's your side of the story" and him giving a detailed list of everything he did with no prompting. Which is why I was given a restraining order. Restraining orders are actually not that easy to get, particularly for a first offense... but when the perpetrator is glaring and giving the list of every action in detail ("and then I grabbed her right wrist and twisted it", etc.) in a cold, threatening tone of voice and with no remorse, the judge will grant a restraining order. And, y'know, this is all public record. So.

Yay Landlord
Our landlord is being very understanding. We have assured him that we love this house and want to stay here! He's given us permission to seek out another roommate, and asked if we still wanted a dog or if that was just Judah. YES WE WANT A DOG. Judah claimed before assaulting me that he would pay his share of the rent that's due today, but. Y'know. If he doesn't, the landlord will work with us on this. I am very thankful for that. There are protections in MA for victims of violent crime regarding housing, but obviously the ideal situation is one where the landlord doesn't even need to be told that and just does the right thing, and thankfully, that's what we have.

Yay Locksmith
Apparently the magic words are "We have a 209A restraining order", because that gets emergency service at cost. Last time I had to get a lock changed it was over $100 (when Elayna tried picking a lock with a piece of wood back in middle school). This time? $39 outcall fee and $30 per lock. (Which we'll get reimbursed for.)

Yay Resources
I am incredibly lucky that I knew about the resources available to me - that BARCC can help me not only with counseling, but with negotiating housing and safety. That the Victim Rights Law Center is available to me as I go forward. That, if necessary, I can get reimbursed for expenses incurred due to this mess from the MA victim compensation fund. This has strengthened my commitment to make sure everyone knows that these resources are available to them.

Yay People
I have been feeling very isolated from my community, due to the chaos of his depression and flailing about his work/financial situation and then his sudden break from reality and abuse, the latter of which I was trying my best to hide in order to protect him -

Yes. I know. But when you're in the situation, it is hideously confusing and gaslighty and you can't look at it objectively and say "Oh! This is clearly abuse and it is clearly escalating", not when you're thinking "I don't understand what's wrong and we just need some time to figure it out."

(So much gaslighting.)

ANYWAY. Yay people!

I am going to make a commitment to reconnect. This will probably go slowly and awkwardly, as I'm not used to being at gatherings or being able to actually talk about what's going on in my life. And I may veer into overscheduling myself and have to back off. I've never been through something quite like this, so I can't predict what the next few weeks will be like. I know that I will be going to a party tonight and hot tubbing tomorrow with some wonderful people. If you wish to invite me to things, please do, and I will try to be there.

Okay. Breakfast! Breakfast is a thing.

No okay a few more things.

Last night was hard.

I had friends over and that was good and helpful. But when I went to bed alone, it all crashed in on me, that my love, my heart, my "future contract spouse", had become this hideous unrecognizable thing.

And I hadn't been hit by a partner in 13 years. Not until yesterday.

And I can't be touched right now, I don't think. I am not safe in my body. And I don't know how long it'll take for me to get that back, and I hate that he stole that from me. I know it will be temporary. But still.

So yeah.
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1st-Jun-2013 03:32 pm (UTC)
The legal definition is extremely clear.
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1st-Jun-2013 05:23 pm (UTC)
Still here. Still reading. Still available to help...and still very much understanding that you know you can ask if and when it would actually be helpful.
4th-Jun-2013 08:42 pm (UTC)
I know I can ask when I know what I need. Thank you.
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1st-Jun-2013 05:40 pm (UTC)
Beautifully said, and I agree wholeheartedly with the beginning & end bits...

I'm still swamped with a project for my intensive class, but I'll have more energy/helpfulness in a couple days. Hugs all 'round.
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1st-Jun-2013 06:11 pm (UTC)
Again, I am so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you are in a relatively supportive spot and have all those resources available to you though. If one has to be up shit creek, it's good to have a paddle, and it looks like you've got BAARC and family and friends to help you deal with this.

I admit, I am so un-used to seeing the Name and Shame that I was at first taken aback to see it put out there. After a few moments of reflection, I feel like it is a measure of our society's tolerance for rape culture that I would react that way. But I felt it was inappropriate for the person who "corrected" you (I winced)--almost 'splaining, when you are both a person who works with rape victims on a regular basis as well as being the person at the core of this situation. I hope that folks continue their support of you and your family, and that Y'all make it through standing strongly. Many hugs.

(And I hope that Judah gets whatever help he needs. You loved him, and I'm sure that whatever road lies ahead for him, we hope he can get to a place where he can be accountable AND healthy.)
1st-Jun-2013 06:59 pm (UTC)
Just caught up--I came home to go straight to work and haven't seen LJ until today.

It all sounds horrific and you are bloody marvellous, as are the people around you.

Re "not my Judah". I get that. Almost 20 years ago now I had a break up that left me bewildered: the person who was leaving me was behaving in such a completely different way to any way he had behaved before that I felt like I was having a conversation with a stranger. It took me a lot longer to get over than I had expected, because I had not been left by "my G", I had been left by someone I barely recognised. "My G", I was convinced, was out there somewhere.

So many hugs
1st-Jun-2013 07:01 pm (UTC)
It took me a lot longer to get over than I had expected, because I had not been left by "my G", I had been left by someone I barely recognised. "My G", I was convinced, was out there somewhere.

Yes. I'm struggling with this...
1st-Jun-2013 07:31 pm (UTC)
Shit! This is/was a horrible thing. Maybe the diabetes and depression made him crazy, but that doesn't give him any right to do what he did. Illness is mitigation at sentencing, not absolution of guilt (said by a zealous criminal defense attorney who would tell him, "dude, you need to plead.")

Ridiculously shitty things do happen to strong, capable people. You are a different person now than you were 13 years ago: you have resources and you're not afraid to use them, you are older and wiser and better to yourself. You know how to take care of you. You're going to have good days, and you're going to have bad days. But you are surrounded by good friends and family who understand such things.

I hold you and Adam and Elayna in the Light and send you positive energy and strength and love.
1st-Jun-2013 07:32 pm (UTC)
I don't know where to begin saying anything productive or helpful, but I wanted to let you know that I've heard your story, and I'm so fucking sorry it had to happen to you, and if there's anything you need that I can do, please never hesitate to contact me.

I also wanted to let you know that you're brave and amazing, and I have untold amounts of respect for you.
1st-Jun-2013 07:41 pm (UTC) - I read the whole thing.
I know you may not remember me...I'm a friend of Sooj and Pope Lizbet and you and I met at Wicson a few years back. Just wanted to say that I'm really really sorry to hear what's been going on, but glad that you've been getting such support from family and friends and clueful police and judges and such.

You, Adam and Elayna will be in my thoughts.
1st-Jun-2013 07:56 pm (UTC)

I just want to say - I have read all this.
1st-Jun-2013 08:19 pm (UTC)
You are welcome. No, really. I know you don't need a place to go or stay or anything like that, but you are welcome into my life and my safe places as I have them. You are trusted, you are loved, and you are respected. I doubt I know how hard this truly is, but I think I get the medical monster turnaround of a beloved and trusted partner. I am proud of you for how you have handled this with dignity and such amazing strength. I didn't talk about what AJ was doing for over a year, because I thought if we just had the time and space, we could work it out. I know better now...like you said...so much gaslighting. May the Darkness hold you and comfort you.
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4th-Jun-2013 08:43 pm (UTC)
I like soap! I am allergic to soy and gluten topically as well as by ingestion.
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2nd-Jun-2013 12:59 am (UTC)
Hugs when you're ready. I hope things get less crappy sooner than later. And thank you for being so open about all this; it probably helps a lot of people.
2nd-Jun-2013 01:09 am (UTC)
I am very, VERY sorry to hear that this is happening in your life again. Hell, at all, in anybody's life, but yeah. You know what I mean. All the obvious 'if you need' and 'just let us know' aside, I'm very glad that you have the support you do, and I hope that when you need it, you'll be able to say so, and accept the help required.

All strength to you.
4th-Jun-2013 08:45 pm (UTC)
And I'm so sorry about the loss of Godric.
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