Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

Stop and breathe. Stop and breathe.

I did not think this would be today's song, but when I sat down to write, there it was, clear in my head.

It's today's song because it grounds me deeply. I've been unmoored. I've been travelling, travelling, travelling, always on a bus or a train or puzzling my way down distant city streets. Over and over, the past weeks, I've been saying I need downtime, I need rest, and I keep getting the opposite. I love home and my purple couch and my cats, and I have been gone. I came home last night just in time to kiss my husband goodnight and tell him I wouldn't see him until Friday.

I am stopping. I am breathing.

The travel to New York was augh. Travel is physically painful for me; this is why I always travel the day before I have to Do Stuff, so I'm reasonably non-ouchy and in my right mind. And on my way back, I developed a migraine. In a jostly bus. And had no Excedrin.


I had the great fortune of being met at the bus stop in NYC by jenphalian, who help steer me to pisicutsa's apartment, where we had delicious gluten-free pasta and stayed up laughing as late as was reasonable. And when I flew into a bit of a panic the next morning, I had michaeldthomas at the other end of the phone to get me past it.

I am so fortunate in my people. I've been thinking about that a lot - how when I was close to breaking last week, I had kythryne's home to go to. I had her and Amy and Monster Toddler Miles, and I got to have tea parties and give away World Book Day books and have puppy time. I have been thinking about people, and about help, and the tears of gratitude I have when I tell someone I'm having difficulty and the first thing they say is, "Can I help?" I am so fortunate that I am in this place in my life, and that you are all here with me. I almost wrote about this on the way to NYC, this feeling that if I die today I will still have been SO LUCKY to have had the friends I've had.

I've been overwhelmed. Victoria died the day after Boskone, and things have been nonstop since then - processing that, getting Bash, planning and executing Elayna's birthday, dealing with parental visit, Judah's medical emergency, my parents again, hounding Elayna through scholarship applications, arranging college visits, mad bombers in Boston and Watertown, and more that's Other People's Stuff.

It's still going on. New York Monday and Tuesday. Attempts at recovery yesterday, then the meeting for the steering committee for BARCC's 40th anniversary Gala. Judah's father is in town all week, and his godmother is in town all next week and weekend. I have a thing tonight; I got back from brunch with Judah and his dad and my body just gave out and I emergency-napped, and woke up and got my hair washed just in time to dry for tonight. (My hair takes two hours to dry, minimum.)

Last and this week I have been trying to ground myself in tiny ways. When I miss my train, I take a deep breath, and I ask myself where the gift is in that. Is it that I get to hear a song I wouldn't otherwise have heard? Is it that I get time to really notice the pink-flushing-to-purple blossoms on that tree?

Tomorrow I am taking myself to the ICA. I've lived here for six and a half years, and I've never been. I've been asking people for years to go with me; it never happens. So I am taking myself. I have a discount pass from my library, and I will go to the museum in my most comfortable shoes and I will spend all the time there that I want.

I will stop and breathe.
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