Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

I'm still putting my thoughts together, but: I find that there is a certain appropriateness to the fact that I am spending this last week of my daughter's legal childhood finishing things.

This started out as "hey, let me knit her gauntlets! and I wonder if I can knock out that sweater!" It became...not a rush against the clock, but a ballet of intricate planning. Because I had to get it and all of my other Sekrit Plans accomplished without her knowing. And I have quite a few Sekrit Plans. So I have been accomplishing all of these interlocking tasks without her being aware in the slightest that anything out of the ordinary is going on. She walks in the door, I'm copyediting or reviewing a book like I've been doing nothing else all day, like I didn't just rush to get everything hidden.

I wove in the ends of the gauntlets just now, and as I finished, the book with all of your advice arrived via FedEx. I'll weave in the ends of the sweater tonight, after she goes to bed. But I can put the other pieces of her ritual in place while she's curled up on the loveseat with her laptop.

I am finishing things. The other side of this is that I have given myself this space outside of time, outside of routine, to finish things. I am not beginning anything this week. Tasks completed do not trigger new tasks. I am not running. I am slowing down to breathe.

I gave birth to her when I was a few days past my 21st birthday. I have never had an adult life that was not centered on parenting her. And I know that yes, next week I will still have to nag her to hang up her coat and put her socks in the hamper. She will still live with me until late summer.

But it does very much feel like the pivot point is in two days. I will always be her mother. She will always be my daughter. But yes. This is a tremendous life change for me. I've been feeling it Impending for almost a year, and this is when it becomes real: this, her graduation, and then her leaving home.

I am holding this space open. I am allowing myself to do what feels right here.

I am finishing things.
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