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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Hello Friday 
28th-Sep-2012 09:00 am
A few last small notes on poly stuff
Not saying Here Endeth My Musings, but saying I want to hit these points, and then maybe I will be back to our regular content mostly.

When I give examples of "$PARTNER and I have been having this problem" - the problem is already resolved. I'm not going to talk about it here until everything is settled, until we are totally fine and I understand the root of the issue. We're cool, y'all.

We're actually doing really, really well, because with this summer of startup hell for him, schedule hell for me, the slow and terrible death of our cat, the rapidly-accelerating terminal illness of my grandmother, and us even having gone an incredibly rare week of not seeing each other at all due to divergent family visits - relationship conversations weren't happening often. We weren't checking in as often as we usually do. We were putting off conversation that were less important than, say, arranging how I'd get to the airport or giving the cat his medication; we'd stick a pin in something ("Actually, I'm not okay with that; let's talk about it tonight") and never get back to it. In a way, the thermonuclear epic shit of this weekend and the shit preceding it was a gift, because we had to prioritize the things that obviously should not be waiting for later. It was an important lesson. We're actively engaged right now in finding good solutions to the root cause of all of this, and we feel great about it.

So the other important thing here, that I want to make sure those of you following along for tips get: I know that at this point, you know that there is No One True Way to be poly.

The other side of that is that there are infinite ways.

Which means that you and your partners have different ways of doing poly.

This is why we always say "communication, communication, communication - and Google Calendar." Even if you think you've found someone who does poly exactly like you do, you haven't. There are points of divergence. So you need to talk a lot about exactly what you need and want, because those points of divergence are going to rise up and smack you in the face. Or your partners' faces. There is almost guaranteed to be something that upsets someone that comes as a total surprise because you thought that you and your partners do poly the exact same way. It may not even be big! But it can be a shock to the system regardless.

So any poly relationship - like any healthy monogamous relationship! - involves a lot of communicating. A lot of negotiation. And they're all going to be different, because everyone has different boundaries and systems and desires. The map of your relationships will have very irregular borders. My relationship with Adam is very different from my relationship with Judah (yet we all live together happily!) is different from the relationships I had with feste_sylvain and swashbucklr, for example, which were in turn very different from each other.

(Quick note on feste_sylvain, since I've been asked via e-mail: we rephrased our relationship last year. I say rephrased because we really weren't getting to see each other more than once a month, and it stopped feeling like a Relationship, so we started calling it more what it was; we are still among each other's closest friends, love each other very much, and have left that door open for the future. All the kids will be off to college eventually, after all!)

(EDIT: feste_sylvain clarified our timeline in a comment to this post, for those who rightly saw that the timelines didn't match: "For a little more clarification: when 'song and Judah started their "closed relationship", I was initially "grandfathered in", but then the other stuff happened which led to our redefinition." I was so busy typing up all of the present-day stuff that I forgot to cover previous stuff. Judah and I have always been in a state of not dating anyone new, but existing partners (at the time, Judah had one too) were grandfathered in.)

So phew. Poly week on my LJ. These posts have been interesting to write! I'm glad they've also been interesting to read.

Today is a writing day, yay. I'm working on the story that isn't grimdark, with the silly names and the complete disregard for keeping one's genres separate. This is one that time_shark pretty much dared me to write. I was hoping to have it done so I could submit it to a specific place, but their deadline is Sunday, and it won't be ready. (I should charge the nasty creature who stomped on my boundaries for work hours lost.) Which means time_shark gets it first after all! But I have to finish it first.

Judah's and my two-year anniversary was this past Saturday but, given fuckery, we have decided that this year we're celebrating it this Saturday. We are having a Very Boston Adventure! <3 The MIT Glass Pumpkin Patch, the Bandiros Misteriosos Choose Your Own Adventure thing, the Marshmallow Fluff festival - then a break for dinner and Doctor Who at home before a party that evening.

Doing All the Things around the house. I'd like to see Revenge of the Robot Battle Nuns, but there are no seats together left, just standing room - I can't stand for two hours on the best of days, and I know it would be even worse the day after such a physically-active day. I've e-mailed to ask if they have any seats set aside for moderately-disabled people, but I haven't heard back; we could buy tickets and just show up with my cane and insist upon seats, but I really want to know for certain before I spend the money.

What are you up to this weekend?
28th-Sep-2012 01:25 pm (UTC) - Communication vs assumptions
I think you've touched on a couple really important things here:

1. Relationships are like music. We can assign them genres for easy reference, but this doesn't obligate the songwriter(s)/partners to follow our preconceptions about what (indie rock | prog | poly) means they're supposed to sound/act like.

2. The most important thing about any relationship is the communication (even "I prefer that we discover what each other like in bed without talking about it" is communication)

Sorry for the anonymous post, I'll figure out how to log in if I have any other epiphanies to share

(Deleted comment)
28th-Sep-2012 02:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the clarification! So busy imparting so much information that sometimes I forget to clarify the points that aren't new.

You were there for me on Gchat as we approached the end of Jack's life, though, and that helped immensely. I wasn't letting myself cry until that one chat where I lost it. I needed that. Thank you.
28th-Sep-2012 05:10 pm (UTC)
Poly Week! It's like Shark Week, but with less narration and aquatics. :)
28th-Sep-2012 06:37 pm (UTC)
So people thought that when you started dating Judah you broke up with anyone you were already seeing at the time? That's kind of weird, isn't it?
28th-Sep-2012 07:29 pm (UTC)
Your discussions of poly are useful in their thoughtfulness and in producing new terminology! Thanks.

Weekend: sleeping, writing MY stuff, and absolutely not freelancing.
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