Through this stressful time, there have been a lot
of conversations; everyone in my relationship dynamic processes things by talking a lot
, so there are multi-hour processing sessions, and by the end of them we are exhausted and punchy. So punchy that we collapse into hysterical laughter at every successive epiphany.
Like, one issue has been that, in this touchy-feely crowd, Judah gets groped a lot. Sometimes this is fine - there are people we have that kind of friendship with. Sometimes it's not; usually when it's not, it's a respect issue.
Another thing I can't believe I have to spell out sometimes: Show respect for the partners of the people you want to get in bed. If you don't show me respect, good luck making time with Judah. If you don't show Adam and Judah respect, I really won't even give you the time of day.
What do I mean by "show respect"? Don't worry, this is not a Godfather thing. There are no rituals of supplication. It's basic human decency. If, say, you wedge yourself between me and my partner, turning your back to me to indicate that I am out of this conversation, and do your flirty hair-flipping feeling-up thing to my partner - I think we can all agree that that is not respectful.
Yes, this has happened. Do not be that person. I'm trying to steer clear of generalizing in these post, but I really feel like that is pretty universal! Do not be rude! Like, to anyone, but especially not to the beloved partner of the person you're trying to get in bed. I really can't see how that's a good idea.
A side note on this: I want to be friendly with my partners' partners. We don't have to be best friends. We don't even have to hang out on our own. But for the health of everyone, we should get along. Like, it shouldn't be awkward and territorial for us to all be at the same party. Our personal ideal is that we all carpool to the party and have a blast. (Our true ideal is that then my partner's partner comes home with us. And also that I get to play. Look, I'm bi, Judah and I are interested in a lot of the same types of people, we already know we like sharing. This part isn't a necessity, so if, when we open up, you are interested in Judah and not me, don't let that keep you from expressing interest. I'm just as happy to have friends. Judah feels the same re: people being interested exclusively in me.)
So anyway. Judah gets groped a lot. Sometimes Judah gets groped and hit on by people who do the ignoring-thing or who are just hyperaggressive in their attentions. Based on that or on past experience with said people, I will tell Judah that that one's a lion, or that I'm getting some kind of red flag on their behavior, or that that one is Cuckoo Poly.
(I think I got the term Cuckoo Poly from felisdemens
? It is a very specific thing in which the new partner immediately does everything they can to push all of their target's other partners out of the nest.)
(I am full of animal slang, it seems!)
An unfortunate byproduct of this is that Judah has been feeling like he is a lion magnet. That only lions are into him. I have tried time and again to reassure him that this is so not the case, that there are many women who are totally interested in him. It's just that, like me, they don't hump people within five minutes of meeting them. They are getting to know him and will express interest at some point. It only seems like he only attracts lions because it does take most people more than five minutes to take action. We haven't been out and about much, so people getting to know him has been a slow process.
So, shortly after he had an epiphany that had him cracking up, I was in the middle of trying to communicate this to him again, and I started cracking up. "What?" he said. "WHAT?"
"Oh, Judah! The reason only lions are humping you? Is because only lions don't respect boundaries
. We are closed! That is why the decent people haven't been all up on you! They're respecting our boundaries!"
Oh, finally! Finally he really realized it.
So really, to reassure him, I would love to find some way of making it cool for people to express interest in him. Without actually formally opening the relationship, because we can't handle that many people jumping on his dick simultaneously. Seriously, we don't want any injuries. But I think it would help him to know that he is found attractive by people who don't have giant neon red flags dancing over their heads.
You can, by the way, always let us know that you're interested. As I said here a while ago, it takes me a while to shift into seeing someone as a dating option, so letting me know well in advance that you have an interest is good for me; it means that when we do open up, I'll have pondered my options in advance. Just, y'know, tell us once. If you tell me every damn week, I will feel a bit harangued. And please do not tell either of us with a tongue down our throats. USE YOUR WORDS. (Yes, both of these things have happened. And surprise kisses are doubleplusungood for me because if you've eaten gluten recently, you will get me sick!)
I do hope that I'm making sense. Poor sleep lately due to stress, and my grandmother had to be taken to the ER last night; the cancer is obstructing her bowels. Waiting for more news on that. Writing these posts has been very cathartic for me in purging the situation from this weekend and other related annoyances, and it's also a good distraction from the situation with my grandmother. It's good for me to do them, and I thank those of you who've said that they've helped.