Why Are You and Judah Closed?
We get this question a lot! (Note: I do not mind being asked this or any question.)
In the beginning, it was because our relationship was so overwhelming in its intensity. We were afraid that adding anyone would dilute that, and we wanted that honeymoon period to last as long as possible.
(It has lasted two years so far!)
Gradually, we realized that we just didn't want to date anyone new. We weren't feeling sparks from new people, and we had a really good balance.
We're at the point now where we're like "Two years! That is super-unusual for both of us!" We're prepared for the possibility that one or both of us might develop interests, and if we do, we'll discuss that. The main factor at this point is time and energy.
Look, both Judah and I like to be super-awesome partners! Neither of us wants to be an eh, okay partner. Being a really good partner takes time and energy, and right now?
I post more than he does, so you have a better idea of the demands on me. I'm writing an emotionally harrowing novel as well as a bunch of other stuff, I'll soon be back to volunteering at the rape crisis center, I have a teenage daughter who spent the summer touring colleges and is about to launch into applying to them, I just slowly and wrenchingly lost a beloved pet, my grandmother is actively dying, I'm in the busy time of running the biggest track at the biggest con in the Northeast, et cetera, and I already have two partners and a kid.
I have nothing left for an additional partner right now. And if I added someone, I would become a mediocre partner and parent to the people I'm already committed to.
Judah is no less busy than I am.
It straight-up makes no sense for us to open our relationship at this time, even if we wanted to.
I Reinforce My Boundaries
Because when I was growing up, I was not allowed to have any. My parents are major boundary-tramples, and then also I had the Bad Childhood Shit which led to the Bad Adolescent Shit and me reaching 21 without any idea that I could have a boyfriend who wouldn't hit me, or any idea that I deserved one. I grew up as a beaten dog. I would meekly ask for some boundary that would make me feel safer, or ask to not do something that was making me sick, and I got a decisive "no." No, you don't get to control your body or anything about your interactions. No, you are not allowed to say no.
I spent last weekend in my parents' house. In between visits with my dying grandmother and a few precious hours with enderfem, I wandered the halls, a Ghost of Shira Future. This is the last room I was sexually assaulted in. This is the room where I tried to kill myself twice. This is the room they pulled me out of in the middle of the night to send me to the abusive wilderness survival camp.
Frankly, it took Adam to heal me. It took Adam treating me with dignity and respect to teach me that if I asked to be treated with dignity and respect, someone might listen. And from there I go to and if they don't, fuck them.
The years I've been with Adam have been amazingly powerful and healing. I've gone from shutting down entirely to saying "hell no" and being confident enough to back that "hell no" up. That takes work, especially starting from where I started. Years of hard work.
One thing I said to Judah last night was that I despise the idea of people assuming that I maintain my boundaries because I'm insecure or jealous. No. When I was insecure, I had no boundaries. My boundaries are a sign of my strength and confidence. I know Judah is coming home to me; I am 100% secure in my relationship with him. And part of that security is the knowledge that if I say "X has been really bothering me. I'm not saying don't do X, but if you do, can you also do Y," and he will say yes. Or if he doesn't want to do Y, he'll tell me why, and we'll find something that works.
Because everyone in all of my relationships deserves to feel safe and respected. And everyone in all of my relationships agrees with that.
My Lack of Promiscuity Does Not Make Me a Prude
I'm not a prude. I don't mind kinky hanky-panky - oh, watch the video. It is not worksafe!
That being said, I'm really particular about who I have sex with and when and how. If you ask five people for a definition of poly, you'll get six answers, y'know. But the way I do poly is that I have committed relationships that usually grow gradually out of friendships. Sometimes they're more casual and not capital-R Relationships. But I have to know someone pretty well before I get sexually intimate with them.
There are people who fuck people the day they meet them. I'm not one of those people! And I do not judge those people - if that's what you like, and everyone involved is cool with it, go ahead, have fun.
But don't try to prude-shame me for my choices.
As I said last night, in bitter exasperation, "I am sluttier than like 90% of America! Why all of this prude-shaming bullshit?!" I'm bi, poly, and kinky. My number? Pretty up there. Because I like having sex with my friends. Just not right now. Which, according to some, makes me prudish and unenlightened.
I DON'T GET IT EITHER.
Look. I am choosing to only have the sex I want to have, and only with the people I want to have it with. I am not going to apologize for that. My choice is as valid as anyone else's. And I cannot imagine a valid reason for anyone to have a problem with that. It is some bullshit is what it is, this idea that I am somehow not poly enough because there are people with pulses who I have yet to have sex with.
How Will I Know?
I have also been made aware more than once that people have thought that/wondered if I am trying to get them in bed.
Most people who have had sex with me are probably laughing right now.
Want to know how to tell if I want to have sex with you?
I will say "I would like to have sex with you!"
Look, I feel like sex is a thing that people should not be in any way ambiguous about. I operate on the enthusiastic consent + lots of discussion model. I will ask you if you'd like to have sex! (Or you can ask me!) Then we will move to a discussion of how to optimize our sexy funtimes! Maybe you really hate having your neck touched. Maybe you want a little buttplay. Personally, I hate being tickled. I feel like communicating about our desires and turnoffs is a really important part of this whole process. I'm not going to try to beam these things at you telepathically, or try to read your mind. I really need to hear, out loud, clearly, that you really want to have sex, and what specifically you would like. I need you to need the same from me. This is no time for guessing games, y'all! The best sex, IMO, comes after open and honest communication.
My way sounds awkward, but it makes people laugh. (Side note: I like to laugh in bed, too. But I promise I won't point.)
Related: I had an excellent conversation with a friend I'm really flirty with. She asked if it was just flirtiness, or if it was flirtiness With Intent - if it was heading somewhere, like to the bedroom.
THIS IS AN AWESOME QUESTION. If this is a thing you are curious about, please ask me this question!
I said that Judah and I were still closed, so not at this time, but hey! We are youngish and have our lives ahead of us. At some point my relationship may open. And we can reevaluate then. She was cool with that, and we're back to being ridiculously flirty for flirtiness's sake. Because flirting is fun! But absolutely everyone should be on the same page!
My brain is running out. Coffee time. Let me know if you have any questions! Also, I've tried to cover Adam and Judah's perspectives only on topics that I'm 100% confident in covering and that they have no problem with me talking about. Obviously I cannot know their every thought, so view this through the lens of my personal experience.