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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Good morning. 
28th-Aug-2012 10:26 am
Good stuff first.

* My poem "Mushroom Barley Soup: An Invocation" is up at Stone Telling! Go read the entire issue. It is tremendous, as always, with stunning work by tithenai, ajodasso, alankria, Emily Jiang, LaShawn Wanak, Sonya Taaffe, Sofia Samatar, and more. And tell the editors how much you love it!

* Hey hey guys Electric Velocipede has a Kickstarter! I have a soft spot for EV because it's my very first publication credit, but I love John Klima's editorial taste even when it doesn't include me. EV is a magazine worth supporting, and I hope that you will.

* zarhooie was a most excellent houseguest. She scrubbed down my kitchen while I was working on Friday! She got Elayna to clean the microwave! She got Elayna to trim her overgrown nails! Also she was just lots of fun. She needs to move back to MA. *nod*

* And Judah and lbitw and albreda and I did massive amounts of yardwork. Only one more push and the yard will be ready for the building of containers for gardening and stuff.

Not-so-good stuff:

* My grandmother has cancer. Stage 4. She has six months if they leave it untreated, and 12-18 months if they do chemo. My big dread right now is that I'm going to have to talk my parents out of chemo; I think Grandma doesn't want treatment, but my parents are both very aggressively demanding ALL THE CHEMO, and to put someone through that a) when she doesn't want it and b) when it'll only buy her another 6 to 12 months? I find it unthinkably cruel. They just got the word yesterday, so it may be that they'll sleep on it and come to their senses. But I have this sinking sense that I am going to have to have the "you need to let your mother go" conversation with my mom, and that's not going to make anyone happy. *heavy sigh*.

* I have been thinking a lot about Jack, of course, and identifying something curious - a sense of betrayal. It seems that there was still something in me that really believed that if we all tried really hard and did our very best, Jack would be okay. There is this bewildered child-self in me that is just incredibly wounded because we tried so hard and our effort couldn't make it better. Huh.

Neutral Stuff:

* Elayna's first day of school is Thursday, September 6, and that is when I can start writing again. From now til then it's all haranguing her to do her summer reading, et cetera.

* I'm still super-busy, though. I would list everything but that cuts into my getting-everything-done time, so I should stop this post and get on it.

One more Good Thing: Judah made GF chocolate chip cookies. They are delicious.
28th-Aug-2012 02:39 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry about your grandmother. And I'm not sure if she is near to you or far away, but you may be able to find a strong advocate in the nurses who are caring for her; it's not uncommon for the patient and the patient's children to have different views of what is a good way to handle things, and they are there to help the patient. Some facilities even have counselors who are there to help with this issue, and I really, really think it's a good thing to pull them into the loop. I watched my Father do chemo under very different circumstances - it was the 80's, and he was only in his early 40's - and it was So Damn Hard. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and he was young and strong before it started.

And I'm sorry about Jack. It isn't fair. Death follows her own rules, and we don't even get to know what they are.

Yay for getting to write again. It is like slipping into the swimming pool after a long parched walk; I can't wait for school to start either!
28th-Aug-2012 02:47 pm (UTC)
Yeah. Grandma is 89. I was saying last night that if this was for a younger person, and/or could extend her life for 5-10 years.... that would be different. But that agony for a few months?

Augh. I have feelings here.

28th-Aug-2012 02:41 pm (UTC)
Ultimately it's got to be your grandmother's decision, and hers alone. Do the doctors understand that?
28th-Aug-2012 03:02 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. *storage bank of hugs waiting*

I hope you don't have to have That Talk with your parents, but if you must, I wish you courage and peace and stiffened spine and sure words and mojo. Lots of mojo.
28th-Aug-2012 03:45 pm (UTC)
sympathy about Grandma
28th-Aug-2012 04:42 pm (UTC)
Completely unsolicited, mind you, but your words about your grandmother and your words about Jack lead me to think that you need to cut yourself some slack about Jack. You're absolutely right about your grandmother, and then you're identifying a part of yourself that is beating yourself up for not being able to save Jack through sheer effort and will. I am not calling you on an 'inconsistency' here: Emotions do not mix well with consistency.

Your grandmother, bless her and keep her free of pain, will be gone sadly soon with or without the effort and will (chemo) on her behalf. Jack, rest his soul, would most likely have been soon to go with or without the effort and will on his behalf. What your grandmother needs at this point is comfort and the knowledge she is loved. You gave Jack that. Repeated for emphasis: You gave Jack comfort and the knowledge that he is loved. Please gently tell the bewildered child-self in you that all living things die, you all did everything you could, and death can only be stalled for so long.
28th-Aug-2012 06:14 pm (UTC)
Well said.
31st-Aug-2012 02:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you, for all of that.
28th-Aug-2012 07:46 pm (UTC)
I tried really hard and did my very best for my best friend in the entire world, and it didn't end up okay, either.
(Hoping I) understand how you feel.
(Deleted comment)
31st-Aug-2012 02:40 pm (UTC)
Heh. Thank you, but I'm already busy that whole weekend!
29th-Aug-2012 02:21 am (UTC) - Sorry to hear about your grandmother.
Having been through chemo for breast cancer I know how hard it would be for your grandmother. It's not an easy decision to make because benefits vs pain is always hard to judge. Add family dynamics to it, it makes it more complicated. I just hope the right decision for her comes about in the next few weeks.

30th-Aug-2012 01:07 pm (UTC)
One thing your parents may not be aware of...chemo kicks one's ass when one is young and healthy. It may buy her another 6 months, but will those 6 months be filled with sickness and exhaustion?

Honestly, I can't believe they even suggested chemo for her. Radiation, maybe -- that's much less taxing on the body compared to the chemo she'd need, and it wouldn't give her much less extra time than chemo.

At any rate, you and your family are in my thoughts. Be well.

And how you feel about Jack is totally natural and normal. Grief is a process -- let it unfold in its own way. It will take time.
4th-Sep-2012 02:41 am (UTC)
I am sorry about your grandmother. I was going to say I am even sorrier that you have to have this hard conversation on top of it, but maybe it is a help in some ways to have something to do for her? I don't know. *hugs* anyway, if you want them.
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