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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
After Jack. 
8th-Aug-2012 06:15 am
Tiala - xana art
* Adam met us at the vet's. I won't go through all of the horrible wrenching sobs. What I will say is that we gave him hugs and final scritches from everyone, with the last and biggest hug from Elayna, who's in Florida this week.

* The vet confirmed in detail that there was absolutely no way at all that Jack could live. Massively metastasized cancer; it was probably too late when he first showed signs of Something Wrong. I will not list some of the reasons the vets know there was no chance, because some are so horrifying that the sentences are running in a constantly-escalating loop in my head, and they don't have to be in yours. Just - our decision was right. It was the only possible decision.

* (I'd wanted to push for the ultrasound earlier. As it turns out, that would not have saved him, but it would have saved him some of the pain. Next time I will trust myself more and be more aggressive.)

* (The ultrasound was $340; it was worth it to know for absolute certain that we were doing the right thing. The euthanasia and cremation are $210, I think the tech said. They're letting us pay for that later. Which is good, because we couldn't have right now.)

* Adam and Judah and I were there for him at the end. We petted and kissed him and told him what a very good boy he had always been.

* He went instantly. Almost as soon as the butterfly needle went in, he laid his head down and left. He was so ready to go.

* I couldn't bear to leave his body in the room. I had to go back and cry again.

* I have never done this before. I haven't had a pet die since I was ten.

* When we go home, we cleaned. Judah took the lead, because I can't stand the smell of the floor-cleaning stuff; Jack had lost bladder and bowel control the last few days, and my bedroom and office, his sickrooms, reeked and were streaked with his fluids and semisolids. I cleaned up syringes, fluid bags, amoxicillin, painkillers, and Judah swept, mopped, scrubbed. I don't know if the duvet is destroyed; I'll run it through the washer a few times today. Saturday, we will paint my bedroom. We will transform it into not-Jack's-sickroom.

* Adam and Judah played video games in separate rooms. I curled up on the couch. Adam wrote a post. Judah wrote a poem.

* The other cats haven't reacted because Jack has been sequestered this whole time; they're used to not seeing him.

* There is a Jack-shaped hole in the world, and none of us yet really understand how to live around that hole.

*Today the guys go back to work. I am allowing myself the day off.
8th-Aug-2012 11:56 am (UTC)
You have my condolences for your loss. I can tell you that whether it is the first time since you were 10 or not, it hurts to lose a pet. The hurt does diminish with time though.
8th-Aug-2012 12:00 pm (UTC)
So sorry hon. I'm gonna miss that dopey cat.
8th-Aug-2012 12:14 pm (UTC) - You have my empathies
I had to go through this to my cat within a year of moving to Boston. HUGS.
8th-Aug-2012 12:42 pm (UTC)
* HUG *
8th-Aug-2012 01:05 pm (UTC)
This seems to be a week of mourning. I am sorry for your sadness. I think you are doing all the right things. I wish I were close enough to bring you dinner.
8th-Aug-2012 01:08 pm (UTC)
Losing a pet is hard, especially this way. We did this over a decade ago, also cancer. It's rough. You have my sympathies.
8th-Aug-2012 01:47 pm (UTC)
It never gets easier.

I am sorry.
8th-Aug-2012 02:03 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry for your loss.
8th-Aug-2012 02:09 pm (UTC)
I'm so, so sorry.
8th-Aug-2012 02:24 pm (UTC)
My condolences, 'Song. :(
8th-Aug-2012 02:29 pm (UTC)
Condolences. That is a very hard decision.

8th-Aug-2012 02:30 pm (UTC)
*hugs, and smiles, and silly dances on call*
8th-Aug-2012 03:11 pm (UTC)
Sorry for your loss, and sorry I'm coming to this late.

Speaking as someone who has lost two cats and two dogs* in the past eight years, I can tell you that eventually -- maddeningly eventually -- the Jack-shaped hole will become a Jack-shaped warm spot in your heart and memory. You will find yourself thinking less often about how he died and more often about how he lived. The pain and sadness will recede, and you will simply be glad to have known him. Right now it feels like a hole, a chasm, with you on one side and any possible happiness on the other. In time it will close. But for now, let yourself feel it and mourn and sob and rage. The worst will be when you find one of his toys or something when you're not expecting to, and the sadness will almost enthusiastically rush into your veins. There will come a time when something will remind you of him and it will bring a smile. But not today and probably not tomorrow. Give yourself time; be patient with yourself and with this process. And be kind to yourself, try to get sleep, try to eat. Jack would not think less of you for taking care of yourself; after all, you took care of him so well for so long.

*Not to mention a mom, but that's different. Losing human family members and losing animal family members are two different skill sets of grief, and it doesn't hurt any less just because one can say human words and one can't.
8th-Aug-2012 03:30 pm (UTC)
I'm so very sorry! Having been through this a couple times, it never gets any easier. Never, ever.

On the duvet, if you put some vinegar in with the wash, that will help get the smells out.
8th-Aug-2012 04:09 pm (UTC)
Hugs my darling.

When this happened to us we had two days notice: one day our Siamese was healthy, if a little hoarse ("But siamese always sound like that!" E said), the next he was a skinny wraith and the vet said "cancer from tip to tail".

I miss him madly,and that was ten years ago. Jack sounds a lot like him.
10th-Aug-2012 01:34 pm (UTC)
Thank you for telling me that; one of my big self-recriminations is that I Should Have Known. Really, by the time he let us know anything was up it was probably already too late; I know now that it was too late when his belly became distended a week ago. Still.
11th-Aug-2012 10:08 am (UTC)
We were told that because cats use purring to "heal" they often feel pain /show distress very late in the illness.
8th-Aug-2012 04:50 pm (UTC)
It's never easy. I'm really sorry.
8th-Aug-2012 04:56 pm (UTC)
I know I've given you my condolences on Twitter and Facebook - and on a previous LJ post - but when I lost Grimalkin it was utterly terrible for me. If you feel anything like I did, I just want you to know that... I know. And I care.
8th-Aug-2012 04:56 pm (UTC)
My condolences.
8th-Aug-2012 07:25 pm (UTC)
I read this whole thing.

And I know, 'song. I know. All too well. My heart breaks for you and your family. ♥
8th-Aug-2012 07:46 pm (UTC)
My condolences. Jack was a very special lad, and sorely missed.

My previous 2 Most Beloved Cats didn't stick around; I don't know that I've ever dreamed about them. My Floof, though- she shows up in dreams at least once a week... and it's so great to see her, and so sad to wake up and realize she's gone. I don't know which is harder.

I'm wishing all of you the best.
8th-Aug-2012 11:16 pm (UTC) - So sorry for your loss.
Read the previous post and it sounds like he picked you out of the people in the world to be his keeper. And that was a good thing for both of you.
9th-Aug-2012 05:03 am (UTC)
All my condolences and best thoughts. I'm so sorry.
9th-Aug-2012 03:42 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry. We went through this with the Reverend Selena a few months ago and I know how terribly hard this is.
12th-Aug-2012 05:14 am (UTC)
I'm sorry for your loss song. **hug**
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