Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

novel augh.

I am still having massive resistance to my writing, because the way this novel works is that I am digging up Deep Personal Painful Shit whether I intend to or not. And I took leave from BARCC to do this damn thing and I gotta. I can breathe without coughing now. Time to stop slacking.

But the thing that's got to be written now, it is a personal big bad, and I do not want to feel the way writing it is going to make me feel.

I have realized that what I need is to stop being so damn mean to myself about the resistance to writing. My hindbrain has reasons. For one, and I realize that this probably makes no sense to most people: When I'm writing Cicatrix in particular, I go into sort of a fugue state. This reminds my body and hindbrain of having seizures. My brain is perfectly aware that seizures are the thing what will probably kill me. So every time I sit down to work on this thing my brain is like JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR.

I'm aware that this is ludicrous! Unfortunately, my awareness does not fix it!

So I freak out and don't write and then I yell at myself for not having written, and then I get upset because someone is being mean to me, but I'm the someone, so "well, just don't hang out with them anymore" is not the solution. Plus, in writing this, I'm excavating pieces of my kid-self, and my kid-self kinda went through a lot of shit and needs to not be yelled at. So I'm looking at ways to reward my kid-self, and all I'm comin' up with is puppies. The kid-self has this fixation on puppy ears. But really, have you felt puppy ears?

I can't have a puppy because my husband loves me insufficiently is allergic. So I must come up with something else.

So yes. I need to find a way to apply self-discipline that is productive and not mean, because I need to get this novel the hell done. The only way it's getting done is if I manage to sit down and self-eviscerate every day.

I am so awesome to be around when I get like this, y'all.

In conclusion, I need to work on this thing now that's gonna mess me up for the rest of the day, hooray for me. Hi. Bye.

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