Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

Of chaos, control, and color

I have control issues. I know. This comes as a terrible shock to all of you.

And, of course, the gradual accumulating trauma over the past year and resultant need to step away from something that defines me = loss of control. Which provokes the grabbing-at-control response.

As I said last night, "usually my control issues manifest as disordered eating. I feel like forcing them to manifest as a need to get the old loveseat out of the way tonight is pretty reasonable, considering."

So yes. Basically the control issues are coming out as a need to control my environment, which here means that I want to be done setting up my house right freakin' now. The problem is that I've done everything I can without the guys, as everything else involves lifting and moving heavy things, building things I'm not equipped to build, et cetera. The current thing that's making me twitch is the painting - we got the living room done, yay! It looks amazing! But the foyer is in a state of disarray and I am argh about that. Until this morning, it was a pile of dropcloths and a ladder; I fixed that, but I still need to screw the switchplate covers back on and hang the art, and I absolutely hate doing that when I have to turn around and take it all apart again Sunday morning. I do not like my home being in chaos for a week, and I like cleaning up and then immediately re-disassembling everything even less. So much augh.

But.

We have our verdant living room. And as of today, we have our purple velvet couch. And I know that some people are like "green and purple, what?", and my dad was one of those people, but he just called and said, "I had doubts that that was going to work, but it looks like something from Better Homes and Gardens." And it does.

I'm just getting used to really furnishing my home, decorating my space, creating a home that looks on-purpose, instead of a random accretion of stuff. And I have never ever had color. The prior couch, which was my first couch ever and had moved through three states with me, was mushroom-grey; it was really comfy (so's this one), but colorwise it was meh. And I've never had color on the walls, not even as a kid. So many shades of off-white. It was amazing to dare to roll on that green. And I insisted upon a purple velvet couch. Because I want color, I crave color, I want my space to be mine. I do not want anonymous boxes. I want people to walk in here and think "actually, yes, this is what I always imagined 'song's place would look like."

Working on it. Super-slowly, and that glacial pace is very, very difficult for me, in ways the guys don't really understand. But we'll get there.
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