So much hilarious bullshit.
Honestly, really, truly, no, I do not have a TV in my bedroom. Or a computer, or a phone. Really truly, when I wake up at 3am, I don't go online or even read, I close my eyes and try to be all meditative and shit. No, I don't drink coffee at night. No, I don't smoke at all. No, I don't snore. No, I don't have restless legs.
So apparently my problem is that I'm right-handed.
"But Shira!" you might say, "I am right-handed, and I am able to fall asleep and stay asleep without the maximum dose of sleep drugs!" I have no explanation for you. According to the sleep doc, you probably only think you're sleeping, and instead you need therapy.
See, because I'm right-handed, I'm left-brained, and left-brained people never ever let themselves sleep, ever. It is impossible to sleep if you are right-handed and therefore left-brained. Because you're organized and make lists.
So my solution, I guess, is to be less Twilight Sparkle and more Pinkie Pie? I guess? Maybe? Seems to be in line with what I am being told?
Also, cognitive behavioral therapy. So I guess I can talk for five thousand hours about how really, I'm totally fine with my mother at this point as long as we live several states away, and my teenage daughter is pretty awesome*, and really my thing is just that I can't sleep. And he can make piles of money off years of me sitting there and saying "Yeah, no, everything is still pretty cool in my world."
He did recommend me for a sleep study, though. So we did make one step towards figuring this out with actual science.
Clearly this was an excellent use of my extremely limited time.
* The assistant asked if I had any kids, then how old my kid was; I said sixteen, and she said "Wow! Well done!" and I was thinking, um, thanks? Belated congratulations for successful gestation or something? I don't know.