Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

Why this is exhausting

So what I am writing is Cicatrix, and here's why it's exhausting: because I need full immersion in this, because the very cadence of it is so different from the way I usually think and I can't force it, I need to trance out into it. Because this story some stories come from the head or the heart, but this one comes from the gut, and that is more taxing to me even than the heart. I need to inhabit Ash, I need to be in Ash's body, and that is difficult, especially given how Ash feels about Ash's body much of the time.

You are ice, you are steel, you are a ball of blood-rusty thorns, you are a wild incoherent scream, you are eviscerated; you dig your fingernails into your palms and you don’t even tell him it’s none of his business, because you do not trust your voice. You don’t know if the door slams, you don’t know if you wake up half the neighborhood clattering down the stairs - all you know is this sharp awful flailing in your chest. This part of town is just barely familiar, just enough for you to find a train station, get on the train, clutch the stinking metal pole with both hands and close your eyes through the tunnels and just breathe, just breathe, horrible hitching pre-sobs into fluorescent light underground, just breathe.

Because I'm not doing "it felt like I'd been kicked in the chest", I'm doing what it actually feels like when you feel like you've been kicked in the chest, and to do that? I need to put myself through that feeling, so I can tell it to you like I should. Because you know what that feels like. And if I just say "like I'd been kicked in the chest", the reader will nod and move on and gloss it over; I need to bring you in there with me. I need you to feel it.

And now Elayna is home, so! Coffee and knitting and making sure she does her homework!
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