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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Some things you maybe should/would like to know about me + Sindrian 
4th-Jul-2011 11:20 am
Cutter + Skywise
I've referred obliquely to the unprecedented ways in which sindrian's and my relationship has grown. We haven't been talking about this stuff on LJ for a few reasons - we didn't want to make his last few months in Cincinnati interpersonally awkward, for one, but even more important is that a lot of this growth and change happened while we were hundreds of miles apart, and we needed to be back in each others' presence again and reintegrate, see where we were, et cetera.

So we were lying in bed last night musing about one of these things about us that we think someone is unaware of, and I realized that we haven't really said any of these things yet. And we really ought to! They are large and relevant things!

This is not by any means an exhaustively complete list. There's stuff that's not for public consumption, and stuff we're still exploring the extent of. But here are some things that a) may affect how you interact with us and b) may be of general interest.

* It became clear to us toward the end of the fall, a few months in, that emotionally, we are primary partners. It is important to note that Adam and I are still primary partners and always will be! But I discovered that I was in a double-primary situation. This is one of the things that's definitely unprecedented! And something I never thought could work. But it does, I think in large part due to the very nature of my relationship with Adam, my relationship with sindrian, and how Adam and sindrian are with each other. I would not attempt this with anyone but these two. Don't try this at home, y'all! Since we realized this towards the end of the time we were physically in each others' presence, sindrian and I have needed a bit to figure this out. Him living with us for a few weeks has provided useful data. :)

* We are planning to all move in together after Elayna graduates high school. That's two years out, giving us plenty of time to save money and not disrupting her high school experience.

* We are fluid-bonded (I got an IUD and yes, we both got tested).

* Not just because of the above, but because of the unprecedented intensity of our relationship and the need to reintegrate after six months apart and explore what all of the growth in our absence means and manifests as, we are currently sexually exclusive with each other, current partners excepted. This is probably the most important part for our friends and potential ummfriends to know! We have a set date to reevaluate if we want to continue that or open things up, but as of yesterday, we still see ourselves as not interested in exploring new shiny yet. There's just... so much territory here to map that anything else feels like distraction, and we're very focused on figuring out what all of this means.

We have a lot of intensity here, and we're devoting a lot of energy to mapping our terrain, figuring this out. We sort of exploded out of nowhere and we are still learning; we've been together nine months, but 2/3 of that was long-distance, and a lot of the huge startling commitment things unfolded while we were long-distance! So just being is our focus right now.

So that is part of the great big stuff going on. Part of. There is more. Oh goodness gracious.
4th-Jul-2011 03:37 pm (UTC)
so exciting! i squee for you.
(Deleted comment)
4th-Jul-2011 03:56 pm (UTC)
That's what she said!
4th-Jul-2011 04:07 pm (UTC) - *hug*
I hope that everything remains stable as you continue to map out this brave new world, and that all involved become more and more happy in it. *big hug*
4th-Jul-2011 04:08 pm (UTC) - *hug*
I hope that everything remains stable as you continue to map out this brave new world, and that all involved become more and more happy in it. *big hug*

(sorry, this is aViva Sedai, forgot to log in this morning)
4th-Jul-2011 04:55 pm (UTC)
I wish you all happiness and growth. It is quite an adventure.
5th-Jul-2011 06:55 pm (UTC) - Your icon is total win
Just thought I'd mention that in passing.
4th-Jul-2011 05:59 pm (UTC) - As official curmudgeon...
Don't try this at home, y'all!

STFU. :) Some people reject primary as a useful descriptor, others have more than one. You and Adam and Sindrain are not special snowflakes in this.

Now that my duties are over, I can shower you with squee for what sounds very exciting for you and reassure you all that you three are special snowflakes for entirely different reasons which are awesome anyway. ^___^

Much love to you all.
4th-Jul-2011 11:38 pm (UTC) - Re: As official curmudgeon...
Ahahaha, this. I don't date anyone I couldn't see as a primary partner. (Doesn't always actually manifest that way, but pleasingly often it does!) So it is totally possible. I've been on both sides of it -- currently I'm one of two primaries to my Seattle partner, and that works beautifully.

And yaaaay, go you, I'm so glad that you're happy and enjoying the exploration and immersement and wonder and joy.
(Deleted comment)
4th-Jul-2011 07:53 pm (UTC)
4th-Jul-2011 09:40 pm (UTC)
*whistles* That ain't minor. Congratulations. I'm a bit jealous. I've been wishing that my home were bigger of late so that we *could* have our GF move in with us. But I'm much more happy for you!
4th-Jul-2011 11:48 pm (UTC)
So now I'm wondering, and I hope this isn't a stupid question, but what is the difference in feeling between primary partners, other kinds of partners (don't know the terminology here) and just friends?
5th-Jul-2011 10:52 am (UTC)
Ask 10 different people and you'll get 15 different answers.

I can only answer for myself: I've traditionally rejected hierarchies. I have my husband, then my boyfriends or girlfriends, who are not secondaries or tertiaries, they're just my boyfriends or girlfriends. But now I have this huge intense thing with sindrian that is clearly way more than just-a-boyfriend.

This glossary may be useful.

Also from here:

Primary Partner n : a person of polyamorous orientation that is intimately involved in your life on day to day basis, the person provides emotional and economic support, there is mutual sharing of resources, goals and life paths

Primary Relationship n 1 : the closest relationship type, the person(s) given the most time, energy and priority in a person's life; includes high level of intimacy, attraction and commitment as demonstrated by marriage-level bonding (such as shared life paths, goals, parenting, economics, housing, important values, ongoing emotional support, etc.), typically includes a desire for a shared lifelong future together

Secondary Partner n : a person of polyamorous orientation that is intimately involved in your life but usually not daily, the person provide emotional support may or may not provide economic support, there may be some sharing of resources, goal and life paths but they are few as compared to primary partners

Secondary Relationship n : a close relationship type, by definition it is given less in terms of time, energy and priority in a person's life than any primary relationship, includes aspects of primary relating, such as sexuality and emotional support but usually involves fewer ongoing commitments as evidenced by fewer shared values, plans or finanical/legal involvements, may include a desire for a long term future together


There's also such a thing as tertiary partners, and it may go further down, but I tend to just have primary, boy/girl/whatevergenderfriends, and sometimes I have friends with benefits. As far as *just* friends, I don't date them! :) Most of my friends are huggy people, but PG-rated cuddling is our level of contact.

Edited at 2011-07-05 10:52 am (UTC)
5th-Jul-2011 12:09 am (UTC)
I truly wish that the relationship is all you each want for it to be. Congratulations!
5th-Jul-2011 02:31 am (UTC)
5th-Jul-2011 02:56 am (UTC)
Do you have any suggestions for someone interested in being in a polyamorous relationship?
11th-Jul-2011 03:57 am (UTC)
Practical suggestions? Google calendar. Something more philosophical? Get used to the idea that you aren't as honest as you think you are, even with yourself. Then, try that much harder with the honesty. You can get by in monogamy, polyamory sometimes really makes you work hard. But the payoffs are pretty damn nice.
5th-Jul-2011 07:53 am (UTC)

And while I am hardly an expert tech-support line, I shall state my willingness to answer "how does this thing work for you guys / what do you do about this thing" questions on the topic of three people living together in a long-term poly relationship. We still argue sometimes, and Not Everything Is Perfect Always (tm), but it's been almost 7 years now since I moved in with heron61 and teaotter and it's still working. :-)
5th-Jul-2011 10:53 am (UTC)
Thanks! :)
5th-Jul-2011 02:31 pm (UTC)
I hope many, many happy things for you both! That's quite something.

I'm forced to admit, though I've always felt poly-from-the-inside... whenever I read something like this my first thought is, "Is laziness an justifiable reason to prefer monogamy?" And not just as a human with many responsibilities, but as a writer. I don't have a primary atm, and I often worry that I couldn't handle so much as one with my current schedule... and I'm not as busy as you!

Don't try this at home is right. I can't even imagine, but if anybody could handle it, you could.
5th-Jul-2011 02:34 pm (UTC)
Thing is, my guys are actually a huge help in terms of getting stuff done! They're a help. I very much steer clear of partners who require a lot of energy and maintenance and don't much reciprocate.
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