Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

Big News

So one of the biggest things in my world lately, which has been pending for a long time:

I gave notice at BARCC yesterday. My last day will be July 8.

This is for so many reasons, and the fact that everything was pointing to "dude, it is time to leave" actually helped make the decision easier. In really brief:

* This is the wrong job in the right movement. Obviously fighting sexual violence is hugely important to me! But the work that I do as staff, as opposed to the work that I do as a volunteer, really does not use my skillset. I can have more energy to do better activism if I'm not, say, being a receptionist.

* My health has been suffering. This is partly due to the stress of an ongoing Thing at work that's hopefully nearing resolution, but not entirely. I spent over half of this winter sick, and I kept going back to work when I should've been home resting, and then I'd relapse...

Okay, I am going to expand on that because it's Important.

When I first applied for the job, when I first started, I'd just gone gluten-free and was feeling so much better than I had the last few years. I was like yay! So much better! I can has job and stuff!

Gradually I've had to confront, more and more, that being better doesn't mean I'm Better. Doing better than I was doesn't mean that I'm healthy. No matter what I do, I will never be well. I will never be fully able-bodied.

That's hard to come to terms with. It's hard to deal with. I have that Superwoman complex. I want to believe I can do anything. I want to shatter my limits. It is very hard to say "I can't". It is very emotionally difficult to accept that I can't count on my body to even do a part-time job reliably. It hurts.

But it is the reality.

I've been coming home and crashing out every afternoon, pretty much. No writing, no hanging with the kid, no reading, no making stuff. When I have a dayjob, the dayjob is all I have. And that hurts everything else.

I asked Adam a while ago if this would be an okay decision to make. He said "The tiny amount of money you make is not worth being miserable."

If that ongoing Thing gets resolved, I am going to continue to volunteer - this activism and this movement and this organization are all still hugely important to me, and I can't imagine that changing. I love this work. But I need to prioritize my health and my state of mind. Hey, I anticipate that my activism will be more effective this way - more time to write for the BARCC blog, and maybe even time to write that book about dismantling rape culture, after Shayara!

So that's where I am. It's not the only big change in my life - but when I've said "my life will be very different by the end of this summer", this is one of the biggest parts of that.
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