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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Without You 
27th-Mar-2011 11:07 am
Sugar Bowl
Anyone who saw sindrian and I together this past fall knows that we bonded hard, that we entwined, that we became a tremendous part of each other's daily lives.

As I write this, we've been apart for three months and will be apart for three more; he's coming home shortly after his graduation.

So - what's this been like?

I was frankly terrified of this separation. I've had long-distance relationships before, and not once have they worked out for me. Without the partner's presence, communication can stilt and stultify, break down, fail to connect.

Not so here.

Without planning for it, sindrian and I have settled into a pattern of daily Gchat... depending on our schedules, sometimes it's just a few brushes of loveyoumissyou, but I feel connected. Even though he's not physically here, he's a few keystrokes away, so in some nebulous sense, he's almost-here. Still part of my daily world, even if he's not chopping veggies in my kitchen, even if he's not in my bed. I will take the shadow over the absence.

And the communication hasn't lessened in intensity. For the first time in the physical absence of a partner, the relationship is still actively growing. It helps that we are both tremendously open and honest and trust each other enough to be very vulnerable with each other - baby, I got armor, let me tell you. That armor's why I was trying so hard to keep it mostly-casual with him in the early days. If you only saw us at StrowlerCon? We were trying hard not to entwine then. But the armor melted away with him. So I can ask him the questions that render me vulnerable and exposed. We can have these conversations, even 800 miles apart. We can explore and grow and be wholly open to each other. And - if it's like this long-distance, imagine us in the same place again!

No, what really gets me is nights like last night: a s00j concert that he should've been at, dammit, that I documented for him with pics and texts, but he should have been dancing with me. It felt wrong to be without him. Same thing with all of the parties, the games nights, the concerts, the shows, Arisia. With him not at my side, I feel like not all of me is there, and I ache for that.

I wasn't expecting that. I mean, a little? But not at this level.

My book contract is in many ways a blessing. This gives me a thing to focus on in his absence, a way to channel my energy, a way to be elsewhere, in a place he has never been which is thus not haunted by his absence.

Three months.
27th-Mar-2011 05:03 pm (UTC)
I will take the shadow over the absence.

Some people don't get this, and when it's that way for one half of an LDR, but not the other?

Troubled waters.
27th-Mar-2011 06:24 pm (UTC)
Yep. Which is one reason I'm thankful for our eXtreme communication!
27th-Mar-2011 06:37 pm (UTC)
I've learned it the hard way - which is why (knock wood) this deployment has been easier on me than the last one.
27th-Mar-2011 08:12 pm (UTC)
That's the first use of the word "extreme" I've liked in YEARS. I got to the point about 10 years where I wouldn't use products or go to businesses that used "extreme" in their names or ads. (Burned, so burned, by the XFL, perhaps; heh...)

This was lovely to read. It's so wonderful that you keep connecting to people the way you do.
28th-Mar-2011 12:57 am (UTC)
I, sir, know whereof you speak.
28th-Mar-2011 07:17 am (UTC)
You have my sympathy, and hopes that the situation no longer obtains.
29th-Mar-2011 02:17 am (UTC)
This is my experience as well.
27th-Mar-2011 07:49 pm (UTC)
This is so close to home. Hang in there.
28th-Mar-2011 05:00 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for posting this. Even now, pre-Dan-moving-to-Philly jitters bring up almost these exact thoughts. I'm glad things are working for you and he - it gives me hope.
28th-Mar-2011 01:36 pm (UTC)
One of the best parts of all of this? I could've written the same post. This is all so wonderfully mutual.
I've been burned my long-distance communication fail before, and it amazes me how well this works, especially since it's all via gchat!
I think that one of the reasons it works so well is that there is an end in sight to the LD part of the R. I think this makes it feel safer to invest more emotionally in the relationship, you know?
Miss you.
29th-Mar-2011 02:18 am (UTC)
Miss you too, everso. And yeah, I think the fact that there's an end to the LD part probably helps tremendously!
28th-Mar-2011 01:50 pm (UTC)
When my mom was upset at the very idea of mbarr in my life, he missed things. Passover seders, family events. It was a visceral bone-deep pain, a feeling of "he should be here to experience this."

She turned around, he's coming back to her house with me for seder this year. And I can point out the grape juice stains in my haggadah from the year we met.
28th-Mar-2011 06:21 pm (UTC)
I am not like this with anyone, even my beloved. I don't feel anyone's absence like this. I maybe masochistic, but I wish I did.
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