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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Just so you know 
10th-Dec-2010 02:17 pm
PSA! - by Zarhooie
I will not be discussing the Assange case this weekend, because I have been educating rape apologists all over the damn place on this and I am sick and tired of doing so. I realize that I have one of those jobs that follows me home and all over the place, but I am telling you that I have a boundary here and I don't want to talk about it at parties. I am not up to that right now.

Jaclyn's post here is awesome on that, and so are the Sady post I linked this morning and the Cara post I linked yesterday afternoon.

Now I go try to nap away my headache.
10th-Dec-2010 07:35 pm (UTC) - *hugs*
Sorry, Hon. I understand. I hope the nap helps the headache.
10th-Dec-2010 07:38 pm (UTC)
Random anonymous commenter has been busy this afternoon informing me that rape isn't actually a problem, and fewer than 1 in 1000 women are raped. Yay! Rape is imaginary, and we can all be happy now!

ETA: Boundaries are good things, and you have every right to set them. Please take care of yourself.

Edited at 2010-12-10 07:43 pm (UTC)
10th-Dec-2010 08:51 pm (UTC)
Oh, goodie! It's imaginary? So my flashbacks are imaginary? Silly me. Then again, I'm just a silly girl, so what does it matter?


Boundaries are good, yes. (Probably better than the solution I'm daydreaming of right now, which would require massive amounts of money for my bail before trial.)
10th-Dec-2010 08:58 pm (UTC)
There now. Don't you feel better?

My favorite part is when these individuals wrap things up with, "And if rape is so common, how come I don't know anyone who's been raped?"

Well gosh, I just can't imagine *why* a rape survivor wouldn't want to confide in you, mister...
10th-Dec-2010 09:36 pm (UTC)
Good hell. I hate that so much. I've been in a room with someone who said that once. I looked at him with a sort of numb shock, and his response to my look was, "Oh, don't tell me you're one of those victim people."

Yes, people are just lining up to tell you of their trauma, Rape Denial Guy. Because you're so very receptive, dude.
10th-Dec-2010 11:01 pm (UTC)



Every April, BARCC does a big Clothesline Project display in South Station. We get a lot of traffic, and some very... non-receptive people. And we get a lot of "Well, I've never met anyone who's been raped."

To which I give my perkiest, "Hi! I'm Shira," and shake their hand. I remind them that they obviously couldn't tell just by looking at me, and statistics say that there are a bunch of people in their lives who are rape survivors, and you can't tell by looking at them, either, and let's brainstorm on ways you can show people that you're receptive to hearing their stories.

In my work with BARCC, I usually only bring up the fact that I'm a survivor when I'm giving a survivor speech. Other times, if asked, I'll say "That's not really relevent; you don't have to be a survivor to do this work," because you don't, and not all of us are. But in that particular circumstance, given that particular attitude, I tell.
11th-Dec-2010 02:42 am (UTC)
I remember someone reading my shirt and expressing some...doubt? Incredulity? Disagreement? And watching a certain significant other of mine grow several inches taller and more muscular instantly, preparing to persuade him of the error in his thinking. Then one of your colleagues engaged the man in question and began a conversation in that vein. :-)
15th-Dec-2010 02:19 pm (UTC)
My colleagues are totally awesome.
10th-Dec-2010 10:52 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I'm dealing with an influx of "but women make false accusations all the time and so it's just as likely that this is a false accusation." *headdesk* Among other things.

Yeah, I'm going to an awesome concert tonight where I will not talk about rape at all YAY.
10th-Dec-2010 07:41 pm (UTC)
*warm, painfree hugs* Thank you for being strong enough to have those kinds of conversation day in and day out, and yes, you're well within your rights to place that kind of boundary.
10th-Dec-2010 10:53 pm (UTC)
Thanks. And most days, it's fine! It's just that cases like this bring out a lot of ugliness.
10th-Dec-2010 08:20 pm (UTC)
Go sleep. You're doing Good Things and you deserve to rest.
10th-Dec-2010 09:33 pm (UTC)
I am so with you there. One of the problems with being known as a survivor and a rights activist is that lots of people want "my perspective" on things. Sometimes I feel like an ambassador from RAINNland.
10th-Dec-2010 10:54 pm (UTC)
Seriously, nine out of ten parties, the first person to approach me will be approaching me with a question about rape. I'm like "can I hang up my coat and get a glass of wine first maybe?"
10th-Dec-2010 11:32 pm (UTC)
Yes. This. Though as I am in east podunk-bugger NH and rarely get to attend parties, it's usually online. Usually it looks like this.

*IM window opens*

Them: http://feministbloglinkthing.com/inflammatory-issue
(above link is example and fake)
Them: rofl raep
Me: Uh, rape jokes aren't funny.
Them: Jesus you're touchy
Me: /block

Two days later:

Them: Why did you block me you're a fascist who doesn't listen to anyone else's opinion wtf?
Me: I don't need rape humor/apologism in my life.
Them: ur lame. you clearly can't take a joke.
Me: Oh well. Worth a try. /blockpermanently

And then there's the really well intentioned ones who basically send me things to piss me off and say I should blog about them. The same ones who end up on said blog debating things with an apologist attitude. Hmm.
10th-Dec-2010 10:22 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I saw the Jaclyn post and figured I'd be linking to it as pretty much my final word tonight.
10th-Dec-2010 10:54 pm (UTC)
She's awesome. (In person, too.)
12th-Dec-2010 12:42 pm (UTC) - "Stereotypical" rape
Just throwing this out here. I have experience with rape looking very much like our collective subconscious expects it to and the victim still not being believed.

A friend of mine was assaulted in her home by a stranger who knew every detail of her daily schedule. He raped her and ran. There was witness to the exit in her neighbor. When her husband came home, she shook herself out of shock enough to ask to go someplace public and well-lit and explained what happened. The police here good old Hampton VA told her straight out that she was lying. Not "we don't believe you", but "you are lying about this and if you don't sign this paper admitting to it we'll throw you in jail."

The police claimed no witnesses; they never talked to the neighbor.

Her husband and friends have had to find her various triggers by accident, since she doesn't know them until tripped. Even something as simple as telling her to breathe easily and how to avoid hyperventilating caused a panic attack.

She is going to counselling, and the police will be sued.
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