Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

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Brief catch-up for new readers: In 2003, I Got Sick; I lost 50 pounds very quickly and lost half my hair. It took three years to grow back. I gained all the weight back and then some. Last summer, I switched medications, ditching the one that had weight gain as a side effect, and lost 40 pounds very quickly. Guess what? I lost half my hair again.

Side note: I did not drop lots of weight quickly on purpose, and I did get the eat a fucking sandwich death glare a lot when I was 5 pounds away from the feeding tube and abjectly terrified, and it's not cool. Don't do that to people. You never know.

Additional side note: I am 118 pounds now. At my skinniest I was 78, but also then I was a junkie barely out of my teenage years; my skinniest as an adult was 85, and yeah, that was Bad. My heaviest was 155ish (I stopped looking because I hated it so much). Before you judge my argh over being 155, please remember that I am 4'11", and that really is a lot for 4'11". My medically-ideal weight is supposed to be 100-105, but honestly, I'm happy at 118. I have a little belly pooch and my upper arms still show that I've lost a bunch of weight recently, whatever. With my medical history, I'd start getting paranoid were I any thinner. I do catch myself double-taking every so often - are my cheekbones too defined? am I In Trouble? no, just the lighting. Because seriously it is terrifying to be in freefall weightwise. But I fit into clothes I like, and my calves are solid muscle. I'm good.

So my hair. Both times it's fallen out, it's been very traumatic for me; my hair is a big part of how I define myself, how I see myself, and when it is thin and lank and barely there, I cannot feel like me. I lose my muchness. I just. Don't. Feel. Right.

It's coming back.

I already mentioned that, and that it was coming in blonde, which perplexes me. But the past few days I haven't just been tsking over the wisps that halo my face and make ponytails impossible. No, it's getting to the point where I can put my hands in my hair and it feels like my hair. Down past my ears to a little above my shoulders, my hair is starting to feel like my hair again. It's still thinner than it ought to be the rest of the way down, but it is actively coming back.

I just keep getting surprised when I touch my hair. Because look! Hair! I can haz! I need a new LJ icon again. Because this one is half my hair. And it's coming back.
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