You miss watching him from afar, but you would not trade this for anything - movement and music and touch that is safe, a hand on your waist or in your hair that you don't recoil from, that you welcome, and
you and Aaron, you move in sync, in parallel, you dance each other's orbit, you shape the negative space between you, and it gets smaller every time.
He glows and you reflect his glow, and maybe by now you glow a little yourself.
Maybe now you can allow that, or allow yourself to contemplate it.
He heads to the bar, and you head to the restroom, and you don't see til you're already all the way in that she is in there. She is pulling an opera glove back up her arm, and the inside of her elbow is as flushed as her cheeks, and her eyes have a hectic, manic gleam. Her voice is less sweet, more like buckwheat honey than clover honey, but she is even more beautiful than before. She looks almost as if she is being consumed from within. She is feral and dangerous, and you are back against the wall as she laughs -
An inhuman shriek rends the air, and you know what this is - this is Kai going off again. Confirmed by the nurse shouting “all available males” into the PA - Kai’s the only girl on the ward who gets that right off, because they know she’ll escalate, they know four or six orderlies aren’t enough. They know it takes everyone to bring her down.
You’ve pulled back into the common room, curled up on the couch, arms wrapped around your legs - some of the girls rush forward to watch the show, but you don’t want any part of it, never have. You don’t go off, not unless you’re triggered. Some girls go off just as performance art. Not Kai. Kai is 100 pounds of sheer unbridled fury, and it seems to take all she’s got to not go off on a daily basis, to play sweet and delicate and pass for something close to normal.
She is not passing now.
She breaks free from the first orderlies, almost makes it to the common room, and you pull back even farther, even though she’s way across the room from you. In case her madness is airborne, maybe. Her face is naked in rage, her big dark eyes narrowed - she is beautiful even so. An orderly grabs her from behind, and she aims a kick back at his balls, misses by maybe an inch - he starts to double over, and she rears her head back, bashing his nose with her skull, and she’s free again just for a moment, a second, until he hurls himself forward and brings her down, flat on the ground - her face hits the thinly-carpeted cement, and there is suddenly blood everywhere, and she howls. You don’t know if it’s pain or just fury that she’s down. And she really is down this time, great big orderly straddling her and pushing down on her shoulders and you flash back and you’re nine and he is - no, no, not him, he is not here, and you are sixteen and safe, another on her legs, more on her arms, and one pulling down her pants and he is pulling down your pants and it is going to hurt, it always hurts, and it never stops hurting, and no one will help you - not you, not you, you are sixteen, you are safe, and the nurse quick-swabbing her ass and injecting her full of haloperidol because it’s the only thing that slows her down anymore. She is screaming and struggling and she never stops fighting, and the blood is sticking her honey-blonde hair together in clumps, and you are trying not to panic just watching the men hold her down. You are sixteen, you are safe. You are sixteen, you are safe.
And now you are twenty-six and you are safe, and here is Kai - beautiful sweet-faced girl with eyes that flash something colder, something cruel. Here is Kai with her hand around your upper arm, vise grip even in the slick glove, whispering, "What do you want?"
And here you are, saying, "Not you."
She half-smiles. "Really."
You are silent. Damningly silent.
She laughs again and releases you. "You're learning to lie, Ash. Fascinating." She winks at you as she turns to leave - "I'll see you soon."
"Distilled Moonshine" pendant by wytchchyld. Copper enameled in black (can be touched up with nail polish if chips) and, well, just copper. :) Two glass beads. The symbiosis of Ash and Aaron.
"The Banyan Tree" pendant by wytchchyld. Copper and silver piece with a slew and a half of different colored glass pearls. Kai is somewhat more chaotic.
Click here to sponsor me - and e-mail me your receipt so I know how much I'm raising!
Current total: $705.
It is Janelle Monae o'clock up in here.
You will be happy to know that I remembered to take my medicine. And not my Lunesta. Just the pills that make me not have seizures or supraventricular tachycardia, not the one to make me go boom down.