It feels strange. It is a thing you have never really let yourself be. You have known all your life about the cracks in your world, and you have written your own map; you avoid the broken places, you have laid your path in places that do not hurt. But you have broken again, so unexpectedly - and this time not from without, but from within.
Because through your years with Jason, with his father, the long years after, you thought some essential part of you was dead - the part that could feel hope, the part that could connect to anyone else, the part that could feel safe in this world. Dead or never born, never grown.
But now you meet Aaron for tea or for dancing, now you walk down the street with another person who has been broken like you have but has kept on living, defiant, and you feel like something is pushing its way out of you, widening the cracks, letting hope in. Letting you feel something from without.
It is autumn, and you wrap yourselves in scarves and crunch leaves underfoot and slip your hand into someone else's, and you still don't quite fit here, but you feel like perhaps you could.
If only you could release your elsewhere, and the only hope you've had for years - the hope of going back.
Gorgeous lace scarf by Suzanne C! The pattern is Rivolo by Anne Hanson, and the yarn is Handmaiden Sea Silk - silk and SeaCell. As Suzanne says, "On survivorship and lace knitting: the holes are what make the whole more beautiful."
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Team Venture shoutout to thesilentpoet, blogathonning down the street!