Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

Odin's Day

Still tired.

So far zero donations on Elayna's story. Um. What can we do as enticement?

The fingerless-mitts and jewelry-gift-certificate auctions are over; the custom baby blanket and key pendant are still up. Hopefully I'll get the "my entire BPAL sale box" post up this afternoon.

Out all day yesterday
Having much fun with lightcastle, but also that means no nap and no 'net time. Will catch up on nap today, but no 'net time means you roll your own link soup.

I am frustrated by money
Yes, even with job. Because we keep having these massive expenses like new glasses and, at ten times as much, Explo. I was kvetching last night that I need to get a passport, and I do, but every month there's something else that requires every penny of my paycheck. (No, I have not been buying yarn, not for over a month.) The basic effect of my paycheck so far is that we are not digging ourselves deeper every month, we are not living wildly beyond our means - but we are living exactly within our means to the penny, so the freedom I anticipated has yet to come about.

I need to make a list of things to prioritize after Explo. And Wiscon and Readercon.

I am frustrated by time.
I think I need to preserve next week; I am turning off my scheduling and doing nothing that's not already on there. Need home time.

I am frustrated by people grabbing me from behind
Which happened thrice last night at and around Diesel. I've lived here three and a half years by now; I think I can safely regard the people still doing this as unteachable. I need to get a sign made to wear to Diesel: "Not responsible for reaction when seized unawares". Which you'd think would be warning enough, but you'd think saying "Please do not grab me from behind" several times a month for three and a half years would be enough, wouldn't you? And yet.

And yes, I know someone's going to whine about me threatening people by saying "my reflex is to hit and I am controlling that, but you want to avoid triggering it", but what I am saying is that it is an reflex, it is automatic, and the fact that the person my body thinks is assaulting me is not a red smear on the floor is a testament to my control of my reflexes - but my control is not infallible, so maybe you could try to not do things that you know my body automatically translates as assault, especially when that's a thing you should never do to anyone you don't know welcomes it anyway. It is not like I've never mentioned this before.



EDIT: I have a few minutes more before leaving for work, so let me unpack this a little more:

When you grab me from behind, the first thing I have to do is consciously think "this is not a rapist."

This is not a rapist... but it's someone who doesn't think I'm allowed bodily autonomy.

It's someone who regards my body as their/public property.

It's someone who disregards my repeatedly-stated "no".

It's someone who doesn't think I have the right to say no.

It's someone who's fine with me going through a cycle of fear and anger so they can get a grope in.

It's someone who assumes consent is implicit and assumed and that my "no" doesn't apply to them.

It's someone who thinks they have more right to my body than I do, and will not let me assert my rights.

It can be difficult to get from that to "this is a friend". Sometimes impossible. I think you can imagine. And if I don't hang out with you, if you only see me at Diesel and cons and parties and wonder why I've been going to Diesel less and less - yeah.

If you want this to not be my train of thought every time I see you? Just stop grabbing me from behind. Which is, I reiterate, a thing many people hate, so I can't imagine why you'd find it acceptable anyway.

Credit where credit's due: people who ask if I'm huggable, I <3 you. I love hugs, I love physical contact, I just like to be asked or at least see the hug coming. No, I don't need a detailed permission slip every time; I just need to know who's touching me.

Work, nap, hopefully writing statements for my BARCC photo shoot, house stuff. Tonight is a much-needed home night.
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