Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

Midafternoon Musings

The song that captures my mental state best right now: "St. Christopher is Coming Home", by Frank Turner.


Monday morning comes a-crawling in
From another weekend choked with cigarettes and sin
I've been busy so much lately
That every time I get some time to spend
I end up drunk or sleeping in
And I miss you... you're busy too
We call each other up when we're messed up
And say we'll meet in the New Year
But it's perfectly clear we'll do no such thing
Come the spring

When the evening casts its shadows on the corners of my days
And I am old and I am settled in the place where I will stay
When my wandering meanderings have finally reached their end
Yeah whatever else may be I will not forget my friends

Friday evening barely even begins
Before my phone begins to ring with people asking where I am
And I can't suppress a smile; we talk a while
The chances are that I am far away and so I'm phased out of the plan
And that's how I miss out on another night
The kind of night where nothing really happens
Yeah but everything goes down
And at the end I'm just a promise to pick up the phone
When I'm in town

When the evening casts its shadows on the corners of my days
And I am old and I am settled in the place where I will stay
When my wandering meanderings have finally reached their end
Yeah whatever else may be may my friends remember me

I am having a hard time with thoughts of my mortality these days. Irana's death hit hard, and there's been a wave of cancer in the SF community these days - and it's either a seizure or cancer (predisposed due to the celiac disease) that's most likely to take me out.

So I throw myself into social change work, because if I've got to go early I am going to get shit done before I do. And I do some other stuff that's less good for me; I'm... keeping an eye on myself. Self-awareness doesn't mean never fucking up, it just means being more likely to pinpoint the root cause of your fuckups.

I've been busy... so much lately...

I made a conscious effort to get to parties Saturday, where conscious goes as far even as pinging swashbucklr and saying "You should drive down from Vermont tomorrow so we can go to parties. And walk for change. And have some, ahem, quality time." Because I knew that, with parties going late, I'd miss the last bus - and with the Walk coming up the next day, I couldn't afford to. And, especially with the level of busyness at work this month, I needed social time.

People were surprised to see me. Heh. Hi, people! Yes, when invited, I tend to always want to attend. It's just a matter of navigation and energy level. And shyness.

I don't know, guys. This is a hard post to write. I have no problems admitting that I am not at all perfect, as one can see by reading my LJ in general. But this is not just a "not perfect, deal with it" thing, this is me actively struggling with something that I don't really know how to handle. The celiac diagnosis was a relief at the time; still is, because hey, my energy level is way higher and my pain level is way lower! But this wave of people being diagnosed with the exact kind of cancer I now know I'm way susceptible to, coming right after the death of a friend who was my age, has me spinning a bit. A lot.

And I need to be writing, and Cicatrix just has me frozen, because it means having conversations I don't want to have with family members.

So I'm figuring out how best to treat myself right. Which includes, frankly, not doing some of the self-destructive things I've been doing this past month. And getting back on top of my tasks.

And making time for social time, because my instinct, catlike, is to hide when injured.

So there's that. Now coffee, getting some stuff done, and hopefully a bouncy glee post about the Walk, because it does make me bouncy and gleeful!
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