Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

Stuff I must work out

First off: I love my job, and I love the people in my life, et cetera. now you know I'm going to kvetch here.

Also? There will be those who want to smack me upside the head because what I'm kvetching about is that there is too much awesome in my life. Which may sound like "Hey, if that's your biggest problem..." But we know it's not, so we can set that aside for now, plzkthx. Because I am genuinely having a difficulty here.

In a nutshell: My entire Boston life, over the past few years, has been highly structured. Even if it hasn't looked that way from the outside. I've taken on a lot of miscellaneous projects and responsibilities... mostly because I could, because I wasn't working. So I was the person who had the time to manage everything. And that life was very much a well-oiled machine. I got a lot done. Sometimes got overwhelmed, but hey, it was a lot, and my medical upfuckery is essentially a full-time job on its own.

And so now I have shoehorned four hours of work and two hours of commute into each weekday.

And my intricate Jenga has gone tits-up.

Today's the first day I've spent a significant amount of time home and awake in a full week.

...keep in mind that I still have medical upfuckery.

This is not good.

It's not good when I'm up past my body's demands of SLEEP NAO just trying to figure out how I can possibly fulfill my weekend commitments. Said to Mark on Gchat: "I need to know like now if you can pick Elayna up for the TeenLife Volunteer Fair on Sunday, because $COLLEAGUE is taking the LSAT on Saturday and is having a party that night that'll run after the buses stop and if Elayna has a ride I can see if I can crash there and we can just go straight to the fair (where we are tabling for BARCC) from his place, but if she doesn't have a ride, I have to go home between, and would have to take a cab - or not go to the party, but I feel guilty because I never get out to people's stuff. And there is that other party right after the Fair, but Elayna may have to sell Girl Scout cookies then. She has to on Saturday. I'm helping with that sale, then going to the Saturday party, but I need to know your plans like now oh god I'm tired."

There may have been more punctuation, but I refuse to swear to that.

I would *like* to be dating more. But when I joke at peer supervision meetings that whoever I date next has to become a CAPS volunteer so I can see them at meetings and tablings, I am not actually joking.

So. I have a lot going on.

And all of it is important, and none of it can be delegated.

My brain locks up every time I try to list everything. But basically there is kid stuff, work, writing, volunteer stuff, social life, making stuff, medical stuff... and the house is a wreck, and I don't get help with that, but that, I know, is because Adam and Elayna have different standards of clean and sometimes just do not see the issues I see. Of all of that? I can try delegating house stuff, but it hasn't worked so far.

Have I mentioned I'm tired?

And the social stuff is worth preserving. You may quirk an eyebrow over the two parties. But if all I'm doing is working myself to the bone and not allowing myself time with friends? That's not good either. And this weekend's gatherings = two entirely different social groups. (But I will be attempting to effect a crossover.) The problem with loving so many people is that then you have so many people to hang out with!

I could volunteer less, now that I work at BARCC and would therefore not be taking any time away from them, as they get more of my time than ever before. And truly, I have cut back. But I like my volunteer work. More than almost anything else, it energizes me. I love it and I'm good at it and I do good things.

So I'm trying to figure out a balance. I feel okay about the fact that I haven't yet; this would be a massive adjustment for anyone. But I keep feeling like I'm never going to not be running myself ragged unless I give stuff up, and I can't bear the thought of giving any of my stuff up. I need to figure this out.

In the meantime, instead of being the housecleaning dervish I told myself I needed to be this afternoon, I curled up and read a book. I still feel "aaaaagh" about the house. But I'm still wiped out, and figure I'd be even worse off if I *hadn't* taken reading time.

I have tomorrow after work as unstructured time, and Friday afternoon as well. Friday night I'm tabling for BARCC at a production of the Vagina Monologues. If you want to spend time with me this week, you should go. *wry smile*

Now I watch SNL with the family.
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