Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

Tew's Day

Thank you for bearing with me through last night's flailing despondency.

Better today than yesterday, but that's not difficult. Biopsy is one week from right now.

On Not Having More Babies
What I failed to articulate in comments last night, because I was very medicated: It is not just that I am 35 and gimpy. Though that does have much to do with it, as even if I'm less gimpy, I'm still five years older than the age I established as my cutoff for childbearing. It is also that:
1. My particular set of physical upfuckery means that I am not likely to have as long a life as the average person. And I want to be around for a significant portion of a child's life.
2. I do not want to sign up for another 18 years.

Ten years ago, or even five - sure, I'd've signed up for another 18 years, because it only would've been a few years tacked onto the end of what I'd already committed to. But it is important to note that I did not get the young adulthood most of you got. I was pregnant at 20; I gave birth a few weeks after my 21st birthday. I did not have my early twenties - I had Elayna's infancy and toddlerhood. It's only fairly recently that I've felt able to establish any time and energy for myself.

I never got to go to college. And I want to. But it's sufficiently time- and energy-intense that I can't work, raise a child, and go to school; I did try that once before, and had to drop out when Elayna was two, and that's before I got sick. So even if I have my old energy back, it's still too much.

Elayna goes to college in four years. So if I can afford it, I'm going in four years as well; if I can't, I'm going in eight years, when she graduates. I am majoring in neuroscience. I want my PhD.

I can wait eight years.

I don't want to wait 18 or 22 years. Odds are I won't even be around for that. I have waited. I have been patient. I have put my child first and myself last for my entire adult life, and I want to do this for myself. I want to go to school. My one regret re: having Elayna so early in life is that I never got to go - and still I won't have the social experience all y'all had with going to school at that time in your life, but I. Want. To. Go. And I will. I have gone as far as I can without college, educationwise; I have read everything available for the layman and undergrad, and I am on med-school texts and I need the actual school to really get it all. :)

My lifespan is aggressively finite, and I do not know if I have two years or twenty or whatever, and I want to have the chance to do this thing for myself.

So it is too late for a new baby.

To answer other questions:
* Yes, fostering is something Adam and I have discussed, and that could absolutely happen - but only after Elayna goes to college, as we simply don't have the room.
* I was going to wait til after my biopsy to get Elayna tested - but since she has no school that day and the paperwork for her bloodwork is written out to the hospital I'm getting the biopsy in, we'll just do it then.

Both parents are working today; my sister is threatening to come over to take us to lunch. And shoe shopping. I am politely insisting the shoe shopping is a Bad Idea, and online shoe shopping is a Better Idea; Dad disagrees, because things may not fit, but that's what return policies are for. And at Elayna's shoe size (5, like me), we can go to a dozen shoe stores without finding a single pair of shoes in her size, let alone a pair that she likes. I peeked at the purchased items on my wishlist and behold! I am getting snow boots, so if mine fit her I'll just buy her an identical pair, hey presto.

Current recurring conversation: Dad wants to take us to a movie, but there's nothing we want to see til Sherlock Holmes later this week. He refuses to believe that we don't want to see Avatar (and flat does not get why racism in media should be a problem), and refuses to believe that Elayna doesn't want to see New Moon. He's on his way out and just said again that we should go see a movie this afternoon.

We're going up to DeLand tomorrow. Which should be fun; birthfamily gets us more than this family does. The PITA factor there is just that I'm going to be explaining the gluten thing all over again, but the birthfamily is more likely to grok the concept; there is no one there like my grandmother.

Daily Science
A study in the journal Science finds much more molecular water in regions where planets are forming around young stars. The mechanism to keep the water from being destroyed by UV radiation appears to involve some of the water molecules shielding the rest.

I think a walk will help my mood. And I must do laundry and re-pack. Later, we may raid the DVD cabinet and see if my parents have anything worth watching; if not, Elayna brought Hogfather. Dinner with the family tonight. The train trip to DeLand is early tomorrow, so less agita, more time to read, write, and hopefully knit - big chunk of uninterrupted time is good for working on the lace shawl. *nod*
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