Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

I'm already down tonight, due to feeling sick all day. It drags. It wears on me. It has three weeks of having my Self ripped away, just when I'd gotten her back.

I have looked at detailed lists of celiac symptoms. I see my hippocampal sclerosis, my seizures. I see my pain and my fatigue. I see, unexpectedly, my tooth discoloration.

But the thing I see that cuts me open is "recurrent miscarriages".

When I was 16. Then 18-19 with the first husband. Several of them, clustered, still a terrible wound in me. Then, most recently, one that came almost as a relief. But I never know. I assumed scar tissue from the first one wouldn't let the others stick.

All these years I waited and bled; I'd wanted three children, and it is too late now. I adore the daughter I have. But not having more? Still hurts.

And it may all be the fault of doctors who never ran a simple blood test. Me curled up bleeding sobbing on the floor just because no one ever thought of celiac.

Or it might be my mother, who tried to cook without wheat for teenage me and gave up because it was a nuisance.

I could have had no pain. I could have had a son, and another daughter.

This is what I have now. And I'll do my best with it. But sometimes it is all so close.

Medicated and typoing; time for bed.
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