Without going into specific details, the main things this week is showing me:
* I am still so willing to fling myself into the pit, to sacrifice myself in a blaze of glory. This is old old stuff. Many years ago, that was pretty much my life goal, that blaze of glory. And then I got pregnant, and had a child, and had to set that aside - had to figure out how to live. Clearly this is an ongoing process. The situation that came to a head this week was nothing so dire as life and death, but it has its roots all tangled up in that. It was a willingness to do things that would break me, because it doesn't really matter if I get broken; I was brought up short by that on Wednesday night - WTF, am I sixteen again? That's not healthy. And no one wants to be the blade I cut myself with.
* As Mark pointed out, my ability to believe myself capable of doing impossible things usually serves me well. The codicil to this article about Rahm Emanuel struck me when I originally read it: When hypomanics succeed at something big, they often think they can achieve something impossibly huge. I do impossible things all the damn time. Half of what I've accomplished in my life falls into that category; at this point, me just being alive falls into that category several times over. You try talking someone out of killing you and see if you don't feel like you can do anything.
So I've gotten very good, over the years, at convincing myself that I can do whatever needs to be done. Because if I'm fluttering about in self-doubt, nothing gets done. So I must needs be hard as nails and bold as brass.
So I convinced myself that I could totally do something that I totally could not do.
And realizing that I could not do it was a real kick in the gut.
I've pretty much come to terms at this point with the fact that there are things that my body cannot manage these days. But this was my mind and my heart, and dammit, I am meant to be tougher than that. Am I not?
* "You can do lots of impossible things," Mark said, "but what you can't do is contradict yourself." I disagreed, stating hotly that of course I can; I am large, I contain multitudes! But I know what he means, and he clarified anyway - I cannot hold a contradiction for long. Internally consistent 'song is internally consistent.
* The other thing I cannot do is lie. And once I admitted to myself that I'd been wrong, I had to tell the other people affected by this. Because if I did not, I would be lying, and I would be knowingly causing pain. And... no.
So the last few days have been difficult. I have been having necessary and painful conversations. I have been cutting certain possibilities out of my life forever. I have been utterly naked, and not in the happy fun way. I have been saying things that I can never unsay.
I have been standing up and doing what needs to be done. Even though it's not what I wanted.
I'm feeling a bit better today. The conversation I had today turned out far better than I'd feared. And... time will heal things. I just wish I could fast-forward, you know?
Apologies; I know that this is cryptic for most everyone, but it kind of has to be, because it's steeped in Other People's Business. (Note: everyone is okay, and none of my existing relationships are altered.) This is just me honoring my commitment to be my big imperfect self in public. Because pretending to perfection does nobody any good.
I will finish this post with a bit of a unicorn chaser:
* The kid is a steampunk today. Phoenix Steamworks tee, Timekeeper's Daughter earrings by sihaya09, gears-key-and-pen-nib pendant by kythryne, crumply copper satiny skirt, boots. The amusing thing? Every piece of this outfit belongs to me. I did not know I had a steampunk outfit. Elayna sees things in my closet that I do not.
* First week of ninth grade, and they're analyzing the Allegory of the Cave. Her school does not suck.
* I'm planning a session with a photographer friend... need headshots for writerly things. Said friend has clarified that he's a-ok with sexual content, too. So! Expect fun pictures eventually. (His schedule is even crazier than mine, so I can't say when But. It'll happen.)
* I'm about 75% done with a second sari-silk wrap. Yes, another. I needed mindless TV knitting, and struggling with the stitch markers on the honey shawl was annoying me. When I finish this wrap, I'll take it up again. I do want that shawl, and it's getting to be cozy-knitted-things weather. Next large project is a cozy wool throw; it'll keep me warm as I'm knitting it!
* That conversation today leaves me with a lot of a relief and a bit of a glow. Things will be okay.