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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
So my week has consisted of difficult realizations and difficult… 
11th-Sep-2009 02:38 pm
Figuring shit out
So my week has consisted of difficult realizations and difficult conversations. It's the kind of week that, used properly, reveals a lot about one's psyche.

Without going into specific details, the main things this week is showing me:

* I am still so willing to fling myself into the pit, to sacrifice myself in a blaze of glory. This is old old stuff. Many years ago, that was pretty much my life goal, that blaze of glory. And then I got pregnant, and had a child, and had to set that aside - had to figure out how to live. Clearly this is an ongoing process. The situation that came to a head this week was nothing so dire as life and death, but it has its roots all tangled up in that. It was a willingness to do things that would break me, because it doesn't really matter if I get broken; I was brought up short by that on Wednesday night - WTF, am I sixteen again? That's not healthy. And no one wants to be the blade I cut myself with.

* As Mark pointed out, my ability to believe myself capable of doing impossible things usually serves me well. The codicil to this article about Rahm Emanuel struck me when I originally read it: When hypomanics succeed at something big, they often think they can achieve something impossibly huge. I do impossible things all the damn time. Half of what I've accomplished in my life falls into that category; at this point, me just being alive falls into that category several times over. You try talking someone out of killing you and see if you don't feel like you can do anything.

So I've gotten very good, over the years, at convincing myself that I can do whatever needs to be done. Because if I'm fluttering about in self-doubt, nothing gets done. So I must needs be hard as nails and bold as brass.

So I convinced myself that I could totally do something that I totally could not do.

And realizing that I could not do it was a real kick in the gut.

I've pretty much come to terms at this point with the fact that there are things that my body cannot manage these days. But this was my mind and my heart, and dammit, I am meant to be tougher than that. Am I not?

* "You can do lots of impossible things," Mark said, "but what you can't do is contradict yourself." I disagreed, stating hotly that of course I can; I am large, I contain multitudes! But I know what he means, and he clarified anyway - I cannot hold a contradiction for long. Internally consistent 'song is internally consistent.

* The other thing I cannot do is lie. And once I admitted to myself that I'd been wrong, I had to tell the other people affected by this. Because if I did not, I would be lying, and I would be knowingly causing pain. And... no.

So the last few days have been difficult. I have been having necessary and painful conversations. I have been cutting certain possibilities out of my life forever. I have been utterly naked, and not in the happy fun way. I have been saying things that I can never unsay.

I have been standing up and doing what needs to be done. Even though it's not what I wanted.

I'm feeling a bit better today. The conversation I had today turned out far better than I'd feared. And... time will heal things. I just wish I could fast-forward, you know?

Apologies; I know that this is cryptic for most everyone, but it kind of has to be, because it's steeped in Other People's Business. (Note: everyone is okay, and none of my existing relationships are altered.) This is just me honoring my commitment to be my big imperfect self in public. Because pretending to perfection does nobody any good.

I will finish this post with a bit of a unicorn chaser:

* The kid is a steampunk today. Phoenix Steamworks tee, Timekeeper's Daughter earrings by sihaya09, gears-key-and-pen-nib pendant by kythryne, crumply copper satiny skirt, boots. The amusing thing? Every piece of this outfit belongs to me. I did not know I had a steampunk outfit. Elayna sees things in my closet that I do not.

* First week of ninth grade, and they're analyzing the Allegory of the Cave. Her school does not suck.

* I'm planning a session with a photographer friend... need headshots for writerly things. Said friend has clarified that he's a-ok with sexual content, too. So! Expect fun pictures eventually. (His schedule is even crazier than mine, so I can't say when But. It'll happen.)

* I'm about 75% done with a second sari-silk wrap. Yes, another. I needed mindless TV knitting, and struggling with the stitch markers on the honey shawl was annoying me. When I finish this wrap, I'll take it up again. I do want that shawl, and it's getting to be cozy-knitted-things weather. Next large project is a cozy wool throw; it'll keep me warm as I'm knitting it!

* That conversation today leaves me with a lot of a relief and a bit of a glow. Things will be okay.
11th-Sep-2009 07:30 pm (UTC)
Indeed, her school does not suck. I remember being introduced to Plato's Cave in 9th grade too, by Brother Rago, some 40 years ago. I hope her 9th grade experience is at least as full of good learning as mine was.
11th-Sep-2009 07:32 pm (UTC)
11th-Sep-2009 07:34 pm (UTC)
Ptiberius? :)

11th-Sep-2009 07:36 pm (UTC)
The P is silent, yo.
11th-Sep-2009 07:37 pm (UTC)
Like my apostrophe!
(Deleted comment)
11th-Sep-2009 08:15 pm (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
11th-Sep-2009 09:33 pm (UTC)
So, not unlike つ tsu, then?
12th-Sep-2009 02:05 am (UTC)
An unvoiced glottal, or dental stop?
(Deleted comment)
12th-Sep-2009 02:44 am (UTC)
Okay, that's what I figured.

I sometimes find myself thinking of the apostrophe as an unvoiced half-breathed glottal stop.
12th-Sep-2009 01:03 pm (UTC)
I love these conversations.
12th-Sep-2009 12:09 am (UTC)
You made me smile. Thanks.
11th-Sep-2009 07:38 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to hear things are slowly getting better. I was concerned.

Edited at 2009-09-11 07:38 pm (UTC)
11th-Sep-2009 07:40 pm (UTC)
Better today than yesterday, and it'll keep steadily improving as the new status quo gets to feel normal. It's okay. I'm not quite as tough as I was telling myself I am, but I'm still pretty tough for all of that!

All in all, this could've been a lot worse, and it's being handled well all round.
11th-Sep-2009 07:54 pm (UTC)
11th-Sep-2009 08:20 pm (UTC)
Kudos on the use of my favorite Whitman quote.

Before I read that quote, I used to like to say, "If we refuse to contradict ourselves, then we cut in half the number of things we can say in a lifetime."

On a totally unrelated topic, who drew the picture on your LJ--the one with the woman under the message-in-a-bottle tree? We haven't really gotten into figuring out the inside art for the antho, but when we do I definitely want to know if that artist is available.
11th-Sep-2009 08:26 pm (UTC)
ultra_lilac here on LJ. Tell her I sent you! She did interior art for Ravens in the Library, too.

I must write something for you. *nod* Hopefully I'll be back on track next week.
12th-Sep-2009 05:32 am (UTC)
Thanks. I'll get in touch with her.

And I just checked out the lineup for Ravens. You keep some very impressive company there.

And, finally, I'm looking forward to whatever you send for "Traffic." or "Magic."

11th-Sep-2009 09:46 pm (UTC)
She is truly amazing.
12th-Sep-2009 01:03 pm (UTC)
Other recommended artists: haikujaguar and charitypomaybo!

Edited at 2009-09-12 01:04 pm (UTC)
11th-Sep-2009 08:46 pm (UTC)
*hugs upon hugs* Wishing you the best, hon.

Who's the photographer, by the way?
11th-Sep-2009 09:25 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you've had such a difficult week. I don't know the details, and I don't need to; I know that if I needed them, you'd have told me. I hope the weekend is good to you, and next week is better. (*hugs* offered if desired.)

Things will be okay.

Yeah. I had a bit of worry get resolved today, as it turned out something I'd been worrying about wasn't what I'd feared it was; it was a minor thing, but even that helps make the less minor stuff easier to deal with. Every bit helps right now. (Also, I have my LJ userpic badge again!)

time will heal things. I just wish I could fast-forward, you know?

Oh, do I ever know about wishing for a fast-forward right now.
11th-Sep-2009 09:47 pm (UTC)
Your forthrightness is illuminating. Thanks for letting us peek in at your process. :-)

My daughter is also treading the waters of ninth grade, and so far so good! She has 12 writing prompts to do this weekend.

11th-Sep-2009 10:52 pm (UTC)
Facing difficult knowledge about oneself and owning up to it is much harder for most people to do then whatever physical limitation you came up against. You rock.
12th-Sep-2009 07:37 am (UTC)
The first time I heard of the Allegory of the Cave was at the end of my Sr. year, European History class. We were reading segments of Philosophy and the Matrix while watching the movie.
12th-Sep-2009 09:51 am (UTC)
It sounds like you are doing a very brave thing, just a differently flavored very brave thing, and I wish you all the luck and peace of it.
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