Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

Liminal Space

So earlier this summer, I was granted an unprecedented gift from the universe.

A pause button.

I had the time and space to just be, just think. And the more I realized that's what I had, the more I realized that I had never had that before. Ever.

I had never had the time to sit and weigh options and decide what I wanted. I have the reflexes of a soldier in wartime, I've been told. There has always been so much hitting me all at once, from all directions. My mind is perpetually like my body is on Thanksgiving Day - constantly in motion, constantly in an intricate dance of get shit done, weighing options in a fraction of a heartbeat and making the lightning-fast judgment call because I don't have time to linger and because no one else can or will. I make combat decisions. My first husband was a martial artist who was taken aback, literally speechless, by my speed. Adam, Wendy, and Bret were stunned when I tripled (I think it was tripled, could've been quadrupled) their scores at a shoot-the-aliens-and-save-the-humans game at DisneyQuest.

Because when everything is happening rightnow and it lands on you, you learn to aim and fire accurately at a dead run. Because you have to. And that becomes reflex.

And then I got a pause button.

I got this amazing time of stillness. And I spent my summer evaluating those piled-up decisions, one by one, and figuring out if I decided well. I deconstructed the decisions that needed unpcking. I looked at decisions that I'd kept up in the air because they did require more thought, would have catastrophic results if I didn't give them more thought. And I took my time.

For once in my life, I had time to take. :)

Eventually, I began to worry that I had become too addicted to that stillness, to that liminal space, to that pause button. Would I be able to step out into action again?

So I woke up the next day and pinged a friend who's been the subject of one of those pending big choices, and said "Hey, got time to talk about this? Because I'm ready to move forward." And he was, and we did.

And I'm keeping on. I am back in motion.

I will be doing my best to preserve that stillness within my dance, though. No lightning-fast pullthetriggergogogo. Waltz, not dervish.

Balance.

Grace.
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