Sleeeep. Also, choice.
Slept the day away; posting this morning and sleeping helped. Thank you guys for your thoughtful comments on a tough situation.
As noted in comments, yeah, it feels strange that I'm fine exposing my guts in posts like that, in speeches about rape and sexual assault, etc., and yet I clutch my writing to my chest like a security blanket. I think what it all comes down to is choice. I choose to discuss the impact of my seizures. I did not choose to make writing a Career.
And if I did have the choice? I would be writing! It's just that I'd also have a part-time job. I want to work. And I want to bring in money through my l33t BARCC skills or my administrative demigoddessness, and not be forced to look at things precious to me as something that must be monetized.
My life is full of things I never got a choice on. Rape and sexual assault, obviously, but I never got a choice on college - and yeah, I could go back after Elayna graduates, but it's not the same, and besides I have trouble learning now anyway. I never got a choice on career, partly because of college. Now there are the lack-of-choice things imposed on me by my brain and body. And sometimes I really rail against that; my darkest spirals have always been about lack of choice. So with a clearer head, I can see that that's where a lot of this is coming from.
So I need to feel like I have a choice.
That's a start.
What I may go for Wind Tunnel Dreams is put up the Telenias story, "My Empire for Ashes", as I revise it. Because that's close to done. And I could post it here or through e-mail, by subscription. Interested people, what would you rather?
EDIT: And actually... I guess maybe yesterday, I was given that choice. When Adam hugged me and said that if I needed to just curl up in bed and build a pillow fort and just read the day away, that would be okay, for as long as I needed to.
As noted in comments, yeah, it feels strange that I'm fine exposing my guts in posts like that, in speeches about rape and sexual assault, etc., and yet I clutch my writing to my chest like a security blanket. I think what it all comes down to is choice. I choose to discuss the impact of my seizures. I did not choose to make writing a Career.
And if I did have the choice? I would be writing! It's just that I'd also have a part-time job. I want to work. And I want to bring in money through my l33t BARCC skills or my administrative demigoddessness, and not be forced to look at things precious to me as something that must be monetized.
My life is full of things I never got a choice on. Rape and sexual assault, obviously, but I never got a choice on college - and yeah, I could go back after Elayna graduates, but it's not the same, and besides I have trouble learning now anyway. I never got a choice on career, partly because of college. Now there are the lack-of-choice things imposed on me by my brain and body. And sometimes I really rail against that; my darkest spirals have always been about lack of choice. So with a clearer head, I can see that that's where a lot of this is coming from.
So I need to feel like I have a choice.
That's a start.
What I may go for Wind Tunnel Dreams is put up the Telenias story, "My Empire for Ashes", as I revise it. Because that's close to done. And I could post it here or through e-mail, by subscription. Interested people, what would you rather?
EDIT: And actually... I guess maybe yesterday, I was given that choice. When Adam hugged me and said that if I needed to just curl up in bed and build a pillow fort and just read the day away, that would be okay, for as long as I needed to.