Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

*pained look*

Monkey says: "Just make sure not to push so hard you get worse, ok? I know the cycle of getting annoyed at being sick so you push harder out of annoyance."
Me: "I've been sick pretty much all year so far." (So sick of resting.)
Monkey: "Because you won't stop and get better."
Me: ":P"
Monkey: "Am I wrong?"

I am currently getting a talking to from him and Mark regarding the fact that when I push myself I get sicker, and that this is a well-established pattern with me, and that I need to just rest.

But just-resting is excruciating. Because when I'm almost well, I see all of these things that need doing. And just sitting there is... aaagh.

But multiple people are poking me and saying "You know that thing you do? You're doing it again." So I am listening.

I'm just frustrated; I feel like I've spent half this year in my sickbed. I have stuff to do. But I have a cold and my brain is just refusing to come online. I feel like I'm in slow-motion today.

There is likely a post coming on my stubbornness re: my body, and not wanting to treat myself like A Sick Person. I suppose that stems from not wanting to treat myself like a sick person. I want you to see writer-me and mom-me and warrior-me; I don't want the first thing you see when you look at me to be sick-me. I want you to see my mind, not my body. My strength, not my physical frailty. Because I am more than this.
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