Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

"Look at this," Mom says, brandishing a bag. "We had a video made of a bunch of old pictures of Ali."

And I pour my sister's history out onto my lap.

There's the picture of five-year-old me holding one-year-old Ali. "I has a sister!" I caption this in my head, because tiny-me, I am all like "OMG cool, check this out! Baby sister!"

There's the picture of eight-year-old me and four-year-old Ali in matching pink outfits and Mary Janes.

And then there are no more pictures of me.

I'm glimpsed in the background of some shots.I'm an afterthought there, an NPC. But never older than eight.

My sister's life from age 4 til now holds no trace of me.

Sister? What sister?

Eight was about the age,I guess, that my mother decided I was irrevocably broken. That was when the meds started, and the shrinks, all thanks to things we don't talk about, and

I

disappeared.

I can deal with that. I know that part, that song and dance. The meds and the doctors and the adolescent psychiatric wards and the wilderness survival camp and the group home.

But through the pictures, I see my sister's life. Her childhood and adolescence. My sister dolled up in clothes I don't remember for events I never knew about. My sister with her friends. Petted. Adored.

They got the kid they wanted.

After they threw me away.

They cast me aside, rejected me, threw me to the wolves - in the adolescent psych wards, baby, Lord of the Flies looks tame.

And their lives went on without me. They kept having birthday parties and my sister had her dance classes, her ice skating, her slumber parties. All spread out in pictures for me to see. And I am just not there.

What the hell am I doing here?

I'm going to post song lyrics, and I'm not going to cut-tag, because rarely has a song been this perfect for an occasion. I cried first time I heard this on the radio. I don't currently have the mp3, so if any of you have it, please send?

Anyway.

Edwin McCain. "Solitude".

Tim he was a good friend
Yea was a brother of mine
We were imaginary comic book superheroes
Kids wasting time
We were prisoners of our youth
We were growing up strong
'til the day he was taken away
For something he did wrong

Tim came 'round just the other day
And boy he had some stories to tell
His mama kept him locked up in a rehab
Although the doctors said he was well
He said yeah I been through the anger
And the hatred towards my mom
And I put all that behind me
Just tell me what was it like to go to your prom

He said thank you mom for fixing
My clouded broken mind
But excuse me if I seem a little rude
While I was missing my childhood, my brother and my prime
You enjoyed the convenience of my solitude

Well growing up these days just ain't easy
And the kids they're doing the best that they can
So mama you better think twice
Before you lock your kid up and throw away the key
'cause soon your little boy is gonna be a man

He said thank you mom for fixing
My clouded broken mind
But excuse me if I seem a little rude
While I was missing my childhood, my brother and my prime
You enjoyed the convenience of my solitude

Tim left town yesterday
He left me with these words
He said yeah I know this life's got a lot to give
But my childhood is gone
And I'm not afraid of dying
I'm gonna grab the world by the horns and learn how to live

He said thank you mom for fixing
My clouded broken mind
But excuse me if I seem a little rude
While I was missing my childhood, my brother and my prime
You enjoyed the convenience of my solitude.


I missed my childhood, my adolescence, my sister, my prime.

But y'know what, family?

You missed me. Not in the sense of missing a long-lost family member, no.

You never knew me. You never got to know me. You never tried to know me.You will never really know me.

And that -

I have a daughter. And I look at her, and - she is my heart. She has enriched my world in so many ways. I have loved so fiercely since this child came into my life, and Ilove the young woman she's becoming.

And family?

You missed out on that. You threw it away.

So I pity you. I genuinely feel sorry that you have not gotten to feel that love.

I am not often angry about this anymore. I've pretty much moved on. I just - I can't imagine life without the love I feel for my daughter. Cannot imagine how much poorer I'd be for not having that.

And now I will suck it up and put on my pretty dress and do my best to stick with the few family members who actually like me, and I will get through this. It just feels so hollow. I am here for form alone. I am here because the script demands it.

This is not how I roll.

I dunno. Pretty dress time. Go dig up that song.
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