Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

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Today

We'll get the bad out of the way first: today's training was even harder on me than I expected. And I expected it to be really hard on me. It was expecting it to be emotionally difficult, yes,but I wasn't expecting to dissociate through much of the afternoon. Which is notpart of my normal. At all.

This whole week has wrenched my perspective around. I've lived this stuff one step at a time, present into new-present. This week has finally turned me around and let me see the past - has shown it to me reframed with the knowledge and experience I'd developed independently. Showed me just how fucked up things were, and *why* they were fucked up, and how the upfuckery was connected, in sometimes surprising/shocking ways. To put it better - I experienced the stuff in question as a child and adolescent. I'm just now really looking at it as an adult, and seeing stuff that I could not have seen as a child/adolescent.

That's coming out tangled. It was a bad day for my brain. Will try again next week.

The other bad thing is that Adam and I keep playing voicemail tag; we're always in a session (he's at an edutech thing in SF) when the other one calls. I miss my husband. I need my husband.

The good stuff:
* Talked to feste_sylvain a few times today, which was very grounding.
* With judicious application of muscle relaxants, my fibro pain was much more tolerable today.
* So I got to take a walk home,listening to music.
* Mail call: Necklaces from cissa and parrish_relics for the Blogathon auction! And Wyrding Studios loot for me - my recent gift tomyself, plus June's Shiny of the Month (an elaborate pendant of several sorts of pearls that I've named "Spire" for its central stick pearl), plus a cute wee freebie in copper wire (which will match my cane). :)
* Phone call with maxymyllyn - always good when I'm in a difficult state of mind.
* Will have dinner and silly-movie-watching with mllelaurel. And early to bed.

What I am telling myself, and anyone who'll listen, is that I am in superhero training. I am. I'm one of 24 people who, after tomorrow, will be certified to get you through any crisis related in just about any way to rape or sexual assault. To meet you at the hospital in your hour of greatest need and be your advocate. To educate the hell out of this entire generation and the next one, with the goal of the cessation of rape. Not just to hold you when you fall apart. This week is about giving us the tools to put you back together - and teaching us how to help you use them.

It's fucking hard. This whole week.

But it's worth it.
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