Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

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* Neurologist. Ask for reduction in anti-seizure med. He tells me why he thinks that this is a phenomenally bad idea. So okay. He thinks the cognitive stuff is not med-related. Brain-damage-related or fibro-related. Can't tell. I say I won't know unless I reduce meds; he says, gently, that he is really, really sure that that will do nothing for me, and he is *very* concerned about the risk of seizures, as I statistically ought to be having 'em now. My voice trembles a bit at one point; I pause. I do not cry. Only neurological issues are a bit of weakness and some balance problems, nothing major.

* Rheumatologist. He is sympathetic. I am able to joke with him about the disability paperwork: "If I get disability, maybe I can afford my medications!" He asks if my health plan covers massage or myofascial work. It does not. He thinks it should cover physical therapy, though, if I have a scrip, so he gives me one. He is hesitant to give me Skelaxin only because he doesn't want to throw too many CNS drugs at me at once - wants to try increasing the Robaxin first. Okay. So now I take Robaxin in the morning, too.

* Other errands; post office, UPS dropoff, library. Driving driving driving.

* Pharmacy, where they'd shorted me on three of my six scrips, to varying degrees. Bitch pharmacist pretty much outright accuses me of lying. Strong letter of complaint has been submitted to Osco corporate.

I'm home. I'm not even livid about the bitch pharmacist, because I don't have sufficient energy. I'm exhausted, worn out, and the pain is back up to Monday's level. And all of today has been doctors gently and sympathetically saying "you're not going to get better, you know." Which is pretty fucking... I don't know. I don't have the words for that feeling right now. And yeah, I don't have anything terminal, and there are people worse off than me, and yeah. I know. It's just hard to deal with the whole no-hope thing served up by two doctors on the same day. "People say they'd like to get off anti-seizure meds, they say they haven't been having any seizures - but, well, that's because they're on anti-seizure meds." "This is all the fibro. These flares just happen. They'll keep on happening."

After a rest, I think I will reread my post about living from the other day. I'm not there right now. Just kinda numb. Tonight's an ice cream night.
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