Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

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Hello to new reader jadia!

Oh do not ask. *buries head in hands*

Yesterday was trying. Because I was exhausted from coping with pain, but hurt too much to sleep. My best bet was to remain perfectly still, spine ramrod straight, as any movement of neck/shoulders/upper back hurt like fire. So. I read a bunch.

I am trying to call my rheumatologist to move my Thursday appointment up. The line keeps being busy. For the first time evar, I have set the thingie to call me back when the line's not busy. Because if I can't get the appointment moved up,I am just going to hit the Flexeril. One Flexeril knocks me out for a day and a half. It's a day and a half to lose, all groggy when I'm actually awake - but it's a day without Constant Pain Vigilance.

I am frustrated that I cannot currently focus enough to write, and I do not know what to do about it. Also, I am frustrated because I'm trying to Do To Much, and really I just want to focus on Shayara.

I will try to write more of the silly cat thing. It's just that my brain is kinda being put through the wringer right now. I am hormonal and in pain and keep being reminded of my own mortality - stumbling across stuff like references to people dying of seizures.

And, y'know, I know that I have something that kills people. I know that I could drop dead any day. I try not to think about it; I try not to dwell on it. I'm not in denial about it. Thing is, I want to live. And living includes stuff like jumping out of airplanes for charity, blogathons for same. Living includes parenting - yes, "parent" is also a verb, dammit. Living includes loving - finding love everywhere, loving hard, loving with everything you've got, because everyone needs love so damn much. There is no such thing as too much, and some never, ever get enough. Living includes being fierce and not being a pussy and doing what you want to be doing, doing what you need to be doing, and doing it now because there may not be a tomorrow. And if there is? Well, there's more to do then.

And living a finite life means burning as brightly as you can while you're here. It means being a firework so goddamn big and bright that everyone who sees your life will have it burned onto their retinas for a few seconds, burned into their brain, jawdropping BANG of pure joy.

Happy Harry Hardon said "Talk hard." I say "Live hard." Live hard and bright and full, and take it to the limits, and when you hit the limits, cross them, and flip off the guards on your way through. Do something no one's ever seen. Be something no one's ever seen. You're not going to be here forever either. Make it count. Be you. You're the only one who can do you justice.

Do not just exist. Don't say I'll do it tomorrow.

"Live" is a verb, too.

And, y'know, not that I'm expecting to die anytime soon, but in the likely chance that y'all are still around when I do, this is what I want you to do, rather than get all weepy: I want you to go out and do something you've never done before. Something you've always wanted to do, but were putting off til next week, next month, next year, when you have money, when you have time. I want you to go out and do it. Cry me no tears. Send me no flowers. Do something joyful and extravagant.

Don't wait til I'm gone. Do it now.
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