Happy birthday to desperance!
Bad day. Almost zero sleep last night - dipping down into sleep only shallowly, surfacing to hold my rumbly cat, who sensed my troubles and never left my side. My hands formed into claws of muscle tension and pain, and I buried them in warm soft fur to relax them. Surfaced in a fit of coughing, spasmodic and harsh and scary, and could not get back down.
Woke up late, hurting with every moment and every move and breath. Fibromyalgia. Migraine. (I am a migraineur. I hate the pain and accompanying aura, but I find the word attractive. Something should be.) Took Lyrica, Excedrin, Flexeril. Couldn't get back to sleep. Am typing instead.
Adam has been my best friend for eleven years, my lover for six, my husband for two, and with every passing year it seems that we grow into each other more, that we become one person. I am the part of us that is sick. That is physically fragile, frangible. I do not like this, but I'd rather it be me than him or Elayna. I've grown into this, into subconsciously feeling that I took on the sickness in the family; I didn't realize it until he was so sick recently, and I recovered so much faster than he did, save the cough. Adam shouldn't be sick. Same as when, in my teenage years, I reconciled being the victim of so many violations by telling myself that I'd taken on my friends' share, that somehow I could keep them safe just by screwing with the averages. I was given this much because I can handle it without going mad. I was given double, triple my share so my friends wouldn't get their share.
I am this sick, this constantly sick, so my beloveds don't have to be.
It makes no logical sense. I know. And I didn't realize that I was thinking this way again til now.
But - knock wood - where I grew up fragile and asthmatic and broken, Elayna is growing up beautifully healthy and whole.
If I can take her share, I will.
Ever wonder how liquids would boil in space, without the constraints of convection and buoyancy? Here's a video and article!
What's fascinating me in my physics-research tangent is how little we actually know about how things work, and how learning about seemingly unrelated things can make whole chains of reasoning fall into place. Boiling. We don't know how boiling works. And learning can help optimize space travel.
Placed a big order from both the Lab and the Trading Post. A long-sleeved tee, because, hothouse flower that I am, I don't own enough. A few bath bombs. From the Lab, Smut and Luperci - no Red Lantern for now, as I've not been wearing it, whereas I've been wearing Luperci plenty. Aunt Caroline's Joy Mojo and Yemaya. An imp pack of the new Panaceas for headaches, sinus pain, and muscle aches.
Jolasveinar: Their scent is a mishmash of snow, dirt, Icelandic moss, marsh felwort, and the smushed petals of buttercups and moorland spotted orchids, with the barest hint of the scent of pilfered Christmas pastries.
In bottle: Complicated! First baked goods, but lighter than Cockaigne - then cold nature scents.
On me: Mmmmm. Same flow. It wavers between winter air and the faint whiff of baked goods. For some reason, I'm reminded of Edmund in the giant stone maze in... I forget which Narnia book. This one is very interesting. I like it. :)
The Snow Maiden: Ylang ylang, osmanthus, spring berries, and daffodil cloaked in hoarfrost.
In bottle: Cold, with a hint of berry under a barely-there cloak of flowers.
On me: Same. This is very pretty. Elayna's already fallen in love with it, as daffodil is her second-favorite flower. This is not entirely me, but I may get a bottle for her.
Snow-Flakes: The radiance and desolation of winter.
In bottle: Huh. This one *doesn't* smell cold to me. It's round, full, and unfamiliar.
On me: Something in this goes sour on me. Bye-bye, Snow-Flakes.
Knecht Ruprecht: The snow-covered foliage of the Black Forest and the fruit and woods of apple and almond trees.
In bottle: Sweet! Apple with slivered almonds. The forest lurks behind.
On me: Same. Oh, this is nice. Adam, this is the one you loved. This goes in my next order.
Right, then. Heat will make me feel better. I will go immerse myself in hot water.