Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

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Also?

I am officially curvy now.

Which is so weird, after years of stick-thinness, after being five pounds away from the feeding tube. I... I do not know what is normal, weightwise, anymore. I've been thinking about going to my doctor and just saying "Hey - is this good? Am I okay?" The numbers say I am. But I've gone from too heavy to frighteningly too thin, and I don't know what normal looks like anymore; I spent so long dangerously thin that I became accustomed to it, and now that I have flesh again, I don't know if I look right to other people. I was noticing that when I hug my upper arms, I no longer have the immediacy of bone. I was wondering if that meant too much weight - until I hugged Elayna and noticed that her arms felt like mine. And Elayna is a perfect weight for her height. So I must be okay - or, at least the lack of immediacy of bone does not mean, by default, that I have gained too much.

The jeans I am wearing right now are "size 2 curvy", by The Gap. So when I worry about whether my new flesh is too much, I just must remind myself that I am a size 2. Size 2 = not too much.

Which may sound crazy to you normal-size people, but remember, earlier this year my size 0 jeans were too big.

30 pounds.

I worry about distribution. It's pretty evenly distributed, but I have a little tummy I'd like to redistribute. The Rack of Doom is returning.

I caught a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror just now, is why I'm writing this.

I'm wearing a BPAL Trick t-shirt, size small (purple print on black), and my size 2 curvy jeans.

I look good.

The curves are in all the right places. My face has filled back out (and it is so strange to not see the hollows under the cheekbones anymore!). My hair is twisted up off my neck and held with a clip - curls fall down around my face. Yeah, I have a little belly. So does everyone.

For the first time in a long time - I'd do me. *laugh*

I'm going to be okay. Yeah, fibro sucks. But I look like a human being again. I look healthy. Because I mostly am healthy.

I'm going to be okay.
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