I heard someone say once that forgiveness is having given up all hope of having had a better past.
I'm reminded of visiting the scene of my rape ten years after... of feeling like I could almost see and hold the girl I was then. Of the feeling of kissing her goodbye, that particular twist in my heart as I let go.
...while we are on earth, our limitations are such that we can only see the underside of the tapestry that God is weaving. God sees the topside, the whole evolving portrait and its amazing beauty, and uses us as the pieces of thread to weave the picture. We see the glorious colors and shadings, but we also see the knots and threads hanging down, the thick lumpy patches, the tangles. But God and the people in heaven with him see how beautiful the portraits in the tapestry are. The poem says in this flowery way that faith is about the willingness to be used by God wherever and however he most needs you, most needs the piece of thread that is your life. You give him your life to put through his needle, to use as he sees fit. (emphasis mine)
I'm not going all religious on you. Faith doesn't really entirely have to do with religion, for me. I go back and forth on a daily basis as to what I believe in, aside from the fact that I believe in the possibility of anything, that I believe in not disbelieving. And sometimes I believe in an anthropomorphic god or gods, and sometimes I don't. But I always believe in something. If that makes any sense. I'm medicated to hell and back.
And I don't know that, in this tapestry, I'm some big fancy bit of embroidery, this dazzling piece of design, this thing to make people ooh and ahh. And I don't need to be. What I hope I am is something that crosses under the other threads, the thing that helps them hold their position, helps the piece as a whole. I'd like to be the piece of thread that helps Elayna shine. I'd like to be the piece of thread that helps hold other designs together when things are tough, the piece that helps correct when God's fucked up the embroidery a little. (Because I know I don't believe that any god is infallible.) I'd like to give strength and support. I can be the tangly piece crossing underneath. Holding you.
I have had some really fucked-up things happen to me. But because of those things, I am capable of helping other people. So maybe there's a reason to it. I am being used as God or the gods or the Universe see fit. Because the picture is bigger than me. I don't know. I just trust that there are reasons.