Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

  • Mood:

*breathing and eating french fries*

Okay. So.

Won't do a full play-by-play. But.

She won't take me off the fucking Trileptal - but she will lower it to 300mgAM/300mgPM, and supplement it with Lyrica, building up 50mgAM/50mgPM per week till we get to 300mgAM/300mgPM.

That would be the good news.

(Me: "I just want to reiterate, for the record, that I do not plan to have more children, so I would like you to consider Depakote and some of the other older drugs as options."
Her: "Definitely don't want more kids?"
Me: "Absolutely."
Her: "What are you doing to about that?"
Me: "Using condoms with spermicide."
Her: *tells me about the failure rate*
Me: *nods*
Her: *tells me that even Depo + The Pill has a failure rate*
Me: *thinks "Okay, so *nothing* is good enough, huh?"*)

So here we go...

She wants me to come in for a five- or six-day video monitoring session. In the hospital.

My first stunned response: "I can't do that right now. Not until at least September." This is Adam's single busiest month - he can't spend a week going in way late and coming home way early to manage Elayna. He just can't.

It's okay. There's usually a monthlong wait. Okay.

What is this test, and why am I having it?

* I go into the hospital.
* They crash me off all my meds in order to provoke seizures.
* They video-monitor the seizures to see exactly what's happening in my brain.

Okay, step three sounds interesting, but step two freaks me out. Let's remember that seizures can be terrifying, okay? Okay.

And why are we doing this lovely thing?

So we can explore "other options", since my body isn't handling meds.

Other options.

You know what "other options" are?

Other options = hacksawing away at my skull and slicing into my brainmeats. NO. My brainmeats. You can't have any. Mama forbids.

Slicing. Up. My brain.

Now, dude. We - and I don't mean us on LJ, I mean everyone, including neurosurgeons - we do not know how the brain works. We know a lot. But we don't know everything. The video monitoring is to pinpoint my seizure focus so they can cut it out of my brain.

But what else is in and around my seizure focus? What else can they permanently damage or outright take away?

The left temporal lobe is memory, is language.

Somewhere in my left temporal lobe is Shayara. Places You Haunt.

Somewhere in my left temporal lobe lives story.

I am not having brain surgery. Death first. That's not hyperbole. I would rather die than lose Shayara.

So! I'm having a cosmically shitty day. You?
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